Hey guys

I like the idea of fairness in life. People tend to put themselves into one of two categories; those who are unhappy and think that the world is unfair, and those who happy and think they are fortunate. What I find interesting is that it isn’t material possessions, status or wealth that determines what side of the coin you live on, it is your attitude.

When I am working with clients I have to make one thing extremely clear right from the start. If people cannot grasp and accept this concept then I am not able to help them.

The concept I introduce to people is “you are responsible for your own happiness and successes, regardless of what you have been through”. It may not be your fault what has happened to you in the past, however if you are ever going to get the results out of life you want than you have to own your actions and learn to be self disciplined. [Read more...]

 Hey guys

I find the subject of self esteem fascinating. It is often talked about, usually in the sense of either ‘having low self esteem’ or ‘how to raise your self esteem’. I have worked with a massive amount of clients with self esteem issues. In this post I am going to try and give tips and pointers that you can incorporate into your own life.

Firstly let’s define what self esteem actually is. Wikipedia’s description is “Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth”. The term esteem is described as “To regard with respect” in the dictionary. Self esteem can be simply put as liking yourself (high self esteem) or not liking yourself (low self esteem).

A quick search on the internet for what other terms people use for self-esteem and I found;

Confidence

Self-confidence

Self-worth

Sense of worth

Self-image

Self-respect

Self-regard

Self-assurance

Pride

Value

Empowerment

Inner game

So how do you go about raising your own self esteem? Why do some people have high self esteem while other people have low self esteem? Does self esteem really exist? I am a worthy person? These are all questions that I wanted to answer.

From all the research I have done over the years, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion. I believe that self esteem is earned and it takes time and effort. It is not something you get from dreaming big, from walking on hot coals or repeating lies (aka affirmations) to yourself on a daily basis. I also believe that self esteem is not a constant and varies in regards to your environment and surroundings. 

I get bombarded with emails from around the world on a daily basis. Guys (and girls) want to know how to increase their self esteem. They want the magic pill (anti depressants is something I will come onto later) or something that will make them love or even just themselves. Not liking yourself must be horrible because you tend to be you all your life. If you don’t like yourself then you should work on the reasons and do things that will cause you to like yourself. Wallowing in a well of self pity won’t help anyone. I always reply to people with some simple steps to take which I know will “increase” their self esteem. Will they do it? I doubt it. As what I tell them requires them to put in effort, most people want the results of change without having to make the changes. Or as I like to call it, being delusional.

I was with someone the other day who told me he suffered from low self esteem. Firstly you can not suffer from low self esteem, it isn’t something like a virus (unless it is a medically diagnosed condition). I asked him what he meant when he said that and he replied that his life was shit and he is going to the doctors as he wants to be put on anti depressants. He is 32, lives at home with his parents (which he hates and they don’t want him there), he is unemployed, very overweight, messy un-kept hair, poor personal hygiene, wears old baggy clothes, has no friends and spends all his time in his room watching DVDs and playing computer games. He has no goals in life and no motivation. He also has a younger brother who is married with 3 children. He also has a great job, is slim and enjoys a great social life. He constantly compares his life to his brothers, and so do his parents. This guy was also bullied at school as he had a speech problem (now fine). It isn’t hard to see why he doesn’t have high self esteem now.

This guy wants to now be put onto anti-depressants which I fully understand. However his aim is to feel better about himself, not actually make real world changes. I spoke at length with a GP the other day (I will hopefully be posting an interview here in the near future) about prescribing anti-depressants and how they help. In the case of this guy, it might make his life more tolerable, but it isn’t likely to change what he is doing. Anti-depressants are not side effect free, and if he has no plan on how to use the medication to achieve goals (by this I mean get a job, lose weight, form a social circle) then he will be adding another problem into his already problematic life.

The doctor I was talking to said that anti-depressants are most effective when they are to either help with endogenous depression (this is when the depression is not dependant on lifestyle, but a medical issue) and those who are going through a sudden change and need help getting through it. Sudden changes include bereavement, redundancy, having a baby, moving house/job/country etc. If however people just want to feel better about themselves without any plans to make lifestyle changes, then this is where they can become a crutch.

I spent a few hours with the guy with low self esteem and gave him some pointers on how to naturally raise self esteem. I am sure there are plenty more and please feel free to comment and post your own. The below tips are in no particular order.

* Taking responsibility. Where you are in life now may not be your fault, however if you want to see results then you need to take responsibility for your life. You can never control things 100%, but you can do a hell of a lot to make things better. This is your life and you are responsible for it. You are so incredibly lucky to even be alive and you can change your lifestyle.

*Drug and alcohol use. Drugs are bad mkay, and carry a lot of health risks. They change the natural flow of chemicals in your brain and make you feel like utter crap for days afterwards. Using drugs for special occasions I am sure is fine (please check with GP, who will obviously say they are not) but consistent and long term use may cause depression. The same with alcohol. Don’t believe me, don’t drink or do drugs for a month and see how you feel.

 *Exercise. Doing regular exercise is so good for you both mentally and physically. You should plan and stick to taking regular exercise. When I work with clients they often say that they do not have the time. Not interested. I can only advise people what to do, not run their lives for them. People will say it is too cold, dark, they don’t have anyone to go with etc etc etc. Then I simply reply “don’t do it then”. This puts the responsibility back on the client. I always make it clear with my clients that they can choose to follow my advice or not, I can only tell them what I have found to work for others.

 *Get off the computer. Humans are social animals. Computers are not people. Those who are the loneliest are usually those who spend the most time alone. I am not saying not to use computers, but realise that Facebook and other things like that is NOT being social. For every hour you spend alone on a computer (doing whatever) try to spend at least an hour with real people.

 *Put the conspiracy shit away. Listen, the world is not going to end in 2012. There is no illuminatii who are trying to put you into death camps and the government is not keeping you asleep in some hypnotic trance. I have not yet found a conspiracy theory that can not be explained with critical thinking. Stop scaring the shit out of yourself with this fantasy rubbish. A lot of people make a lot of money out of scaring you. Notice how all the conspiracy gurus (if that is the correct term) always have books, events, products or just need donations. 

 *Be a nice person. I can not tell you how nice it is to be nice. I am not getting into the whole “nice guy” thing, I am talking about just being a nice and considerate person. Every day I do things that I consider to be nice and kind, sometimes they are small and sometimes big. I use the tube most days and I always help to carry prams up and down the stairs. I spend time with service staff and treat them nicely and tip well. I buy people drinks. I love taking people out to dinner. The other day I helped an old lady cross the road (so cliché). I always ask people if they need help if they are looking at a map. I let other people on/off the bus and tube before me. I buy stupid little presents for people without reason. I stay behind for hours after I am being paid on the PUA Training bootcamps to help the students and answer their questions. I write these articles for free!!! Every day I make sure I do nice things, not because I have to but because I want to. It makes you feel great about yourself, try it!

*Eat well. Like with exercise, eating right is both vital for mental and physical health. There is no excuse for not eating correctly, you are an adult you need to learn how to feed yourself.

*Spend time with those you love. Take a look at who you spend time with, do you actually like them? You become your peer group, so be careful who you hang around with. I always want to be with those who are better than me, rather than those who hold me back. One amazing resource for meeting new people is www.meetup.com it is free and I use it all the time.

*Have fun experiences. What is the point of living if you don’t have fun? The other day I was speaking to one of my closest friends and she said she wanted to see more live shows in London. I was online after then and I came across a show called “La Soiree”. My friend is broke at the moment but I said I would treat her (overlaps with being nice). We went to the show and then we went out for dinner. It was one of the best nights of my life. Plan fun things and do them. It doesn’t always have to cost money, later this week I am taking another of my friends to feed the ducks at Alexandra Palace. It will also be a great laugh.

*Create something valuable. People talk about being high value, but what value do they really have to offer? I have found that by creating something that people want it makes you feel amazing. When I was younger I used to run live band nights in Manchester. This made me high value without even realising what value was. I then moved onto running business networking events, every month I would have 100 people in my offices. Now I am in London I have finally got round to creating my new thing of value, Interesting Talks! I love public speaking and I know loads of great speakers and trainers. I have started a meetup group http://www.meetup.com/interesting-talks-london which will be a monthly event. All the proceeds are going to charity and it will be fantastic to run and be involved with. By giving your time and resources to help create something valuable will sky rocket your self esteem.

*Do things you like. I always believe in treating yourself well. Lots of people try to punish themselves, instead I work on a reward basis. By filling my week with things I like doing, it makes me like my life. Some things are I like are eating out, going to the cinema, spending time with friends, having deep tissue massages, going to the pub, writing articles and blogs, buying clothes, eating sweets, going to parks, cooking and going to random London events. I always have things planned in my diary each week that I enjoy doing and I stick to them!

*Plan your life. One amazing resource I use is Google Calendars. It is totally free and it helps me to run and organise my life. I have three colours on my calendars, blue for work, red for financial and important things, orange for fun and leisure. I can see exactly what I am doing all week and if I am doing enough fun things or not. I like to plan things out and then do them. I take as much time planning and living my social life as I do my work life. If you spend just a few minutes a day planning your social life rather than reacting to other people’s plan, then you will really see the difference. Those who don’t plan what to do on the evenings and weekends usually up doing nothing! The more you plan the more you do!

*Get enough sleep. Sleep is so important to maintaining a healthy and positive outlook on life. I advise that for the last 30 minutes before you go to bed you disconnect from all technology. No TV, internet or computer games. Allow your brain to wind down and make your room relaxing. I am all for scented oils and candles. Try to get to bed before midnight and get at least 7 hours of sleep per night. If you have problems getting to sleep then use hypnosis downloads and remember to unplug from technology for 30 minutes to relax.

*Dress well. There is a strong psychological link between looking good and feeling good. If you wear old crappy clothes and don’t take care of your appearance, then you will not generate a good reaction from others. If you dress well and take pride in your appearance, then this will shine through and you will get much better reactions from people. Looking good does not have to cost a lot, it is about knowing how to shop for your body type. Dress as the person who you want to become, not who you are now!

*Get on with things. I am not a religious person and I have no interest in trying to change or alter anyone’s believes. However until someone can show me undeniable evidence that there is an afterlife, I am assuming we just have our short time on this side of eternity. Find out what things you actually want to do and then get on it. Stop trying to motivate yourself before you take any action steps. Once you start to take action you will develop motivation and passion. There is never a right time to do anything, so you might as well start now. Choose one thing that you have been putting off or never got round to doing and just get on with it. This is why I started my meetup group, I had been thinking about it for a few months. Now it is up and running I feel great about it.

*Expect everyone else to be a muppet. One thing I have found is that I can’t really rely on anyone else and shit happens all the time. I assume the worse will happen every day and then plan for if it does. By planning for the worst I am actually constantly surprised by the world. If I need to get into town I will always give myself twice as long as I should need. I have been let down by public transport so many times that I now just assume it will happen. Now I am always early and I spend my time having a nice coffee and reading a book. I expect the best from people and situations but prepare for the worst. I live in a world where I accept things go wrong, so when they do I am not very bothered. When they go right I am always happy.

*Make specific goals. Goal setting is an interesting topic, once which I am very interested in. In the self help world they tell you that you can have anything you desire just by thinking about it. Bullshit! Also most people make intangible goals such as “I want to be happy”, “I want a good social life”, “I want abundance”, “I want to enjoy my life”, “I want to fulfil my potential” and loads of other tree hugging hippy crap. You need to make your goals tangible, if not how can you test and measure it? Ask yourself, if you did have a good social life what would you be doing? This could break down to going out 3 times a week, once for a meal, once to the pub and once to an event. You now have tangible things to work on. If a goal isn’t tangible then it is just a pointless fantasy.

*Keep a record of your fun times in photos. I think photos are a great way of recording memories. Take lots of photos of you and your friends doing the things you enjoy. Then make sure that you display them where you can see them all the time. If you are ever feeling down then you can look at these pictures to remind you of what great things you have already done. Printing out digital photos cost pennies, put them all over your walls.

*Stop comparing yourself to others. Your success should only be judged by your success, not those of other people. Facebook is the ultimate place to show off and basically lie about your life. This is why I keep off it as I really don’t care about what other people are doing. Never compare yourself to others as it will end in disaster.

*Evaluate your surrounds. If you room/house is dirty, dark, messy and gloomy then you will probably feel down. Make sure you take care of the fundamentals such as having a nice clean house and try to get as much light and colour in there as possible. Our surrounding have a massive effect on our mood and it is something we can easily control. By having a clean room, filled with nice things (candles, oil burners etc) and lots of pictures of you and your friends on the wall will make you feel better about yourself.

*Aim low. This now goes against all the self help crap out there. I am sick of hearing about having to make massive goals to motivate yourself. The bigger the goal, the less likely you will ever achieve it. When you don’t achieve a goal it makes you feel crap about yourself. When you achieve and surpass a goal it makes you feel amazing. For example with this first meetup for Interesting Talks I am organising I was hoping to raise £50 for charity and have 15 people attend. So far I have raised £90 and have had over 70 people join the group, 18 of which have confirmed. Another 15 or so have confirmed via email. I still have over a week to go before the event so I assume the figures will go up even more. I am motivated by achieving and surpassing small goals rather than never achieving large ones.

*Taking criticism and advice. I always have a lot of people giving me criticism and advice. Some of it is friendly and helpful, some of it is because the person is trying to put me down. Whenever someone gives me criticism or advice I always thank them and say they are probably right. I think why they are giving this to me and can I actually use it. I frequently get hypnotists telling me how to advertise and market my services. It only takes a little checking to see that I am making much more money than them. I never take advice from someone doing worse than me.

*Take time to fully relax. We live in a crazy world and our mind and bodies are not yet fully adapted to this way of living. This is why it is so important to take time out to fully relax. I suggest that for one day a week you refuse to do any work and not reply to any emails or take any phone calls. I write down important numbers, I then leave my phone at home. It is such an amazing and freeing feeling and allows you to really recharge your batteries.

The above tips are in no particular order and I do not expect you to do all of them. But read through them and see if you can incorporate any of them into your life and see what results you get. Self esteem in a state/mood and it is generated and maintained by the things you do. Stop sitting about feeling sorry for yourself and wish you had high self esteem and get out there and do the things that generate it.

I have high self esteem because I enjoy my life and do the things that cause me to feel good about myself. I do this through planning and hard work. I do not sit at home “wishing things were better”. I just get on with things, yes it sometimes hurts but that is life. If you want to have high self esteem or like yourself, then you have to give yourself the reasons to do so. Self esteem is earned through application, not by just wanting it.

 Of course please feel free to ignore all of the above and use “The Law of Attraction” to manifest amazing things into your life.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Hey guys

I  am going to have a bit of a rant today. It is cold and I have drunk a lot of coffee. I hope you can take some useful tips from this post. Please leave a comment for the post and tweet or facebook it, or whatever those buttons are. I do get a lot of emails from people who read my blogs, instead of contacting me please post them here so I can reply and everyone gets the benefit of the answer. Please note that the clients who I refer to in this post have given their full permission and has approved it prior to publishing.

A client came to see me last month, he wanted motivation, self esteem, passion for life and a list of other crap he had read in self help books. He had attended a motivation seminar earlier this year, but surprising this did not have lasting results. He had even tried EFT, the practice of tapping your face and other magical energy points on your body while repeating mantras like “I fully accept myself” etc. If you think EFT will get you results then I have some magic beans you might be interested in buying. Also you can earn £10k a month just by working 2 hours a week from home. If something seems too good to be true, that is because it is. Maybe I am just cynical and should learn how to use the “Law of Attraction”, maybe not.

My first question to everyone I work with is “what do you want?” His reply was “I want my life back”. He is currently out of work and sits around all day in his little dingy bedsit, which is above a take away in a bad part of London. He does not have any friends, his family are distant and he fills his days by playing computer games, drinking and smoking a lot of weed. It is not hard to see why people get depressed, if I had his life I certainly would be too.

Although his life seems crappy now, it wasn’t always this way. 2 years ago he was a successful business man with him own company. He had a nice girlfriend, a good social circle and overall enjoyed life. Everything was fine until the recession hit and the banks overnight cut his credit limit. This had catastrophic results on his business and it imploded within a week. He lost his house, his business, his girlfriend and most important his sense of worth/motivation/self esteem/inner game/fill in the blank for yourself. For the past two years he has tried to escape his current reality with drink, drugs, computer games and anything else that takes his mind of his problems.

His aim was to get back to being the person he once was. Unfortunately I do not have a time machine so I was unable to help him with this request. This is what so many people want to achieve, they want to go back in time to when they were happy. So many of my friends reminisce and talk about the “good old days” back at uni or at school and when they had so much fun. I am having the best time of my life now, I believe it should always be that way.

The opposite to living in the past is to live in the future. People have massive delusions about what they are going to achieve, fuelled by the self help industry. People often create fantasy worlds about the future as this makes their life bearable now. The sad reality is that this is highly unlikely to ever happen and their lives are going to get progressively worse.

Getting back to my client, he is extremely bitter and a lot of this is towards his bank. He blames his current state on his bank for cutting his credit limit and therefore imploding his business, which caused him to lose his house etc etc. I asked him “do you think your bank actually cares?” he said “they should”, I said “well, they don’t”. Being angry about someone or something is not going to ever help you. You are responsible for your own happiness and success. Yes life does throw a lot of crap at you, but it is how you deal with it that really matters.

As we talked I started to find out that is wasn’t completely the banks fault. It turns out that he relied far too much on the bank and credit lines which made his business highly venerable. If I was able to put him back the person he was before the credit crunch, then he is likely to make the same mistakes again. You can not change the past, but you can learn from it.

So what do I mean by this. Well there are two sides to everything, what you are doing and responsible for and what other people do and are responsible for. A large proportion of people who are a victim of a crime at the hands of another person, are much more likely to endure the issue again, when compared to people who have never been a victim in the first place. If you have been mugged, raped, assaulted or abused then you are more likely to go through it again if you do not learn from your past and change what you are doing. The majority of all crime is circumstantial, i.e. you happen to be in a certain place or situation.

Ok let’s get into this. A guy came to see me a few weeks ago how has been mugged 3 times in the last month. Unlucky? Yes, but his actions were also contributing to these events. Every time he had been mugged he has been out drinking and walking home alone. The way he walks is past several cash machines at about 3am and is in a bad part of London. Each time the muggers had got him before the cash machines and taken him to them and withdrawn his limit. He wanted me to help him restore his confidence. If I did this then he is highly likely to be mugged again. Look at his actions and behaviours, he is out by himself, intoxicated, at a time and an area where muggers operate. If he was not drunk and near these cash machines, got a taxi or lived in a different part of London then he is not likely to be mugged. No amount of therapy is going to change the world or other people’s actions. Life isn’t fair. I was able to help him deal with the trauma of the incidents and I gave him a number of a local taxi firm. He has not been mugged since. The muggers will have mugged other people, as this is what muggers do. Instead of trying to change the behaviour of others, focus on what you are doing.

Back to the first client. He wants his old life back but he did not want to learn from what had happened. He was fully ready to set the business up again and rely on credit lines, however this is practically impossible to do in the current climate. The fact is that if he sets his business up and heavily relies on uncertain external factors, then the same thing is likely to happen again. It is only when he accepts that what he does also contributes to both the successes and failures he encounters. Begrudgingly he started to understand and is currently in talks with investors as opposed to getting credit. This is a much more stable way of setting up the business.

A few people have emailed me recently complaining that my posts are not about Game. So for those of you out there I am going to take the points from above and put it into a way that you can incorporate into your game and success with women.

I want you all to get the notion of circumstance and logistics. The guys who I know who have slept with the most women have all done it in the same way. By going to house parties! At house parties everyone is a good mood, you have shared rapport (you are all there for the same reason), it is easy to talk to people and there are bedrooms on site. A lot of the time these guys have had zero game, they just happen to be in the right place at the right time. This is exactly the reason why PUA Training has a residential flat in Leister Square, because it is so easy to bounce girls there after a night out.

If your aim is to go out and get laid, then actually have a plan put in place. If you live an hour outside of London and with your parents, then it is going to be bloody difficult. Take a leaf out of Peter Stringfellow’s book, he lives above his own strip club! Does this man deserve to sleep with all the hot women he does based on his looks, personality or game etc. No of course not. But he does anyway because he has designed things that way.

My best advice to you is to think about what your actions are and the logistics of what you are trying to achieve. Don’t try and change other people or the world, instead work with it. If bad things keep happening to you, then is highly likely to be the result of the actions you are doing.

The more time you spend with people, the better socially you become. Spending your free time reading or watching videos about game without action will not help you. Spending time on Facebook is NOT being sociable. The more time you spend with people, especially girls, the better your results will be. The guys who I know who have the best “game” have literally no idea what “game” is. Make a promise to yourself that for every hour of theory, do an hour of practice. Start to design your life and plan logistically how to get the results that you want, then do it. Yes it will hurt, it will also take time and effort. Welcome to the real world.

Learn from your past and plan for the future. Don’t rely on others for your successes in life, only yourself. The best things happen those who are in the right place at the right time, so make sure you are that person. Being at home alone whinging about how bad your life is, is not the best strategy.

Matt Kendall aka Hypnomatt

p.s. remember to leave a comment and press those nice colour buttons.

Hey guys

Today I want to talk about making changes in your life. Every day I work with people helping them to change their pattern behaviours to therefore get different results. Recently I have been doing a lot of work on myself and starting to see real results. I hope that you take from this blog some helpful tips that you can incorporate into your own life.

For the last few weeks I have been feeling rather sorry for myself, to the point where I had to make some changes in my life. I wear contact lenses (the type you sleep in) and a few weeks ago I got a really bad eye infection that was not only painful but it really restricted my sight. It started one morning as I woke up, it felt like someone was pushing their thumb into my eye and it was watering like crazy. I put up with it for a day thinking it was hay fever and stocked up on sprays and drops. By the next morning it looked like I had been punched by Mike Tyson so I guessed I better get it looked it.

I went to my local opticians as it is only round the corner from where I live. They said that I had to immediately go to the eye hospital and gave me a letter of referral. By this time it was 11am and I was concerned because I was due to catch a train to Chichester to attend a neurology workshop the next day. I asked if I could put it off until I got back, it was a firm “no”.

So barely being able to see I packed my bags and went to the hospital, thinking it would be quicker to just get the train after the hospital visit. I then had to get myself from North London to Old Street via the tube. It was bloody difficult, trying to navigate the tube without being able to properly see. By asking a lot of people and squinting (I stupidly have not got a pair of glasses) I managed to find the hospital and register at the desk. I was there for over 5 hours and I was given drops that I had to administer once an hour, 24 hours a day!

By this time I had missed my train, I was down in the dumps and could hardly make out the world around me. Although I only had an infection in my left eye, my right eye was being “sympathetic” and was too extremely sensitive to light. My eyes were in fact so sensitive to light I couldn’t even look at my laptop screen or TV!

I sat outside the hospital thinking what to do. I had a hotel booked and was due to attend the course the next morning, not only that I had to teach on a PUA Training bootcamp that weekend too. I made the decision to go home and feel sorry for myself. I then saw out of my blurry eyes several people with horrific injuries to their eyes and face coming into accident and emergency and it really put my issue into perspective. So I had a little word with myself, I said “Matt, stop being a little bitch and go to Chichester”. I stopped being a little bitch and I went.

I took myself off to Victoria station and got the next train to Chichester. Although I had to pay 5 times the amount for the ticket than what I had already paid online, I was feeling rather pleased with myself. By the time I got to the hotel and checked in, I was positively brimming with confidence and in a good mood. I treated myself to a curry and then went to bother the barmaids in a local pub near where I was staying. The course went well and I came back to London knowing that by going I had gained so much more than just staying at home and moaning about how unfair life was.

Although I was unable to see, I dragged my sorry ass down to the PUA Training bootcamp. I give a 2 hour talk on Sunday mornings, I have not missed a single bootcamp in over 18 months and I was not going to start now.

My phone alarm was set to go off every hour, day and night, to put the drops in. After a few days I had a realisation ‘where does all the time go?’ Every hour my phone would beep, I put in the drops and I also thought to myself “what have I actually done in the last hour?” I began to realise just how precious time was and then something even weirder happened. I passed a hotel on my way home and it was advertising for Christmas booking. I checked my phone and realised we are in the 10^th month of the year, how to heck did that happen? I am sure it was only Christmas a couple of months ago! It certainly feels like it anyway.

One major excuse I get from my clients is that they do not have the time to make changes, or that it isn’t the right time for them. From being so conscious about time flying by I firmly believe that there is never a right time to start something, in fact when you think it is a bad time it is probably the best time.

Over the following three weeks I had to go to hospital 7 times, with more visits planned. My eye infection was actually quite serious and for some reason all the drops they gave me didn’t work as expected. Thankfully now my eye is 90% better and I can use my laptop again without wearing sunglasses. Over the last 3 weeks I have also been accessing my life, goals and what it is I really want to do and how to make changes. The course that I attended in Chichester focused a lot of how the brain works in relation to pattern behaviour and how to make real world changes. Over this period I decided that I am going to take firm action on something that I have toyed with for several years but never actually achieved the results I wanted. The thing I started to really address was my weight.

I believe that we all have one big thing we would like to change in our life, it is our big excuse to why we have not done as well as we could have. We become addicted to our excuses as it makes us feel better about not achieving our goals, it gives us something to blame. I hope that by reading this post it might start to give you a bit of motivation towards making changes in your life and starting to tackle your big challenge in life.

So first things first. Before I started to tackle the problem I needed to find out where I was. It is pointless making a goal if you don’t know where you are starting from. For the first time in a long time I stood on the scales, took a deep breath and looked down. It was not good. I then went online and checked the NHS height and weight chart and literally had a heart attack when I saw what category I was in and what I should actually weigh. I called the doctor and made an appointment later that week to get a professional opinion of my weight and also what is a healthy amount to lose and at what rate.

The doctors appointment came and as I sat in his office he asked me what the problem was. I said that I have decided to finally get my weight under control and I wanted to know what shape I was in and the best way to go about it. He weighed and measured me and put all the info into his computer. He then told me something that cheered me up. He said that to get to my “ideal” weight as directed on the NHS chart would be “bloody crazy!”. He had an Italian accent and was rather camp so it made it all the more humorous. He told me that a realistic amount of weight to lose would be 12 KGs over 3 or so months, so basically by Christmas. He also wanted me to see his dietician to help me on my way.

After feeling much better after seeing the doctor I had my appointment with the dietician. We talked about the amount I wanted to lose and how to make lots of little changes in my diet. She said that for the next week or so, try not to make many changes but instead keep an honest food diary. She said once you start to record what you are eating, it is easy to see where the problems are and how to make changes.

When I work with clients I always tell them the advantages of keeping a diary and now it was my turn with food and drink. This is where the title of the post comes into play as I had to be accountable to myself. It is actually much harder and difficult than you may think. When we live our lives day to day we simply do not notice our patterns. When you have to write things down it makes a huge psychological difference.

I kept an honest food diary for a week, what I ate and drank and at what time. I also started to record what activities I was doing each day and how I was spending my time. After the week was up it was easy to see why I am over weight and where I need to make changes. I drank a lot more than I realised and it hadn’t been a particularly heavy week! I was eating rubbish convenient food and at the wrong times i.e. late at night. It also seemed that a lot of it was linked with drinking.

When you start writing down what you do you can really start to see your own patterns. You can then start to make real world tangible changes to what you are doing to make sure you get different results. Since I started with the weight loss effort, I have reduced my drinking, started to prepare more food at home and stopped eating so much junk. As a result I have lost 3kg which was confirmed by the dietician I have been seeing. Making small changes is the only way to make a large overall change.

Now that I have started to sort my diet out I am starting to focus on exercise. I am a member of a local gym, however it is a bit basic and also quite a walk from my house. There is an amazing gym 2 minutes from my house but is it very, very expensive. I see this as an investment in myself and I know that I will get value for money from it. I am actually joining this afternoon, now my previous membership has expired. I am having a professional program done for me, so again working with professionals.

Over the past few years I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have seen the changes they have made to get real results. I want to leave you with a few pointers to take away from this blog so you can start to implement changes in your life and start to achieve your goals.

Step 1

Work out what it is you actually want to do.

You have to make the goal tangible and measurable. For example I want to lose weight, this is very easy to measure. In game terms it could be to make a certain amount of approaches or even to improve your social life. If you want to work on your social life then make it specific, for example have a goal of going out 3 times a week, once with friends, once to an exhibition and once for a meal etc etc. Once you have a tangible goal you have something to measure.

Step 2

Make a real assessment of where you currently are.

If you do not know where you currently are, then you can not make plans to where you want to get to. I would start by keeping an honest diary or some other way of monitoring what you are currently doing. This will then be your starting point.

Step 3

Make mini goals

Once you know where you are and where you want to get to, break it down into mini goals. For example I want to lose 12 kgs, however this is broken down into monthly 3 kg goals. If you want to improve your game then you could make it a goal to open 5 girls a day. Remember the goals have to be tangible and measurable.

Step 4

Quit you whining and get to it!

If you make a realistic goal, work out where you are and then make steps towards it, then it is quite hard to actually fail.

I want to mention three really important points about making any changes in your life. Firstly is speed of implementation. Secondly is working with professionals. Thirdly is passion and motivation.

Speed of implementation. The longer you leave something, the less likely it will ever happen! Start working on this today. Not tomorrow, not next week, today! There is nothing worse than someone with a goal who constantly goes on about it yet takes no action.

Working with professionals is going to accelerate your progress. Yes, this is going to cost money. You have to decide if your life is worth it or not. When you pay for professional help, you get professional results.

Passion and motivation is something that always comes up with my clients. My advice is to do something for 2 months, without excuse, then we will talk about passion and motivation. Once you are involved with something and you are getting results, you develop passion and motivation. Wanting to have passion and motivation for something before you start is simply retarded.

I want to end on a really important point. You are 100% responsible for your life. Whether you achieve your goals in life or not, no one really cares! Stop making bullshit excuses and get on with it.

Matt Kendall a.k.a Hypnomatt

p.s. please feel free to ignore all the above advice and instead use the “Law of Attraction” or some other tree hugging hippy crap.

Hey guys

Sorry I have not posted on here for a while, I have been majorly busy working and moving house. Thanks to all those who came to Effortless Attraction and I am working on getting some audio up on this blog ASAP. I need to speak to the technical wizards above to help me with this.

Ok the thing I want to address today is the whole “fix me” attitude that I see so many guys with. Every week I get emails from people all over the world saying that it is my responsibility for me to fix them. These are not short emails either, they are pages and pages of moaning trying to get me to understand how bad their lives are. I often write back a short email with a few simple things to implement in their lives. This is usually replied to with an email of excuses or why it won’t work for them. At this point I am not able to offer any assistance at all.

Before I started specialising in working with guys with social anxiety (or inner game as others refer to it as) I used to work from a clinic in a large gym in Manchester. Due to the venue I used to get a lot of referrals from the personal trainers to help clients with weight loss. When working with a client who wants to lose weight you need to careful explain to them that they are 100% in control of their food intake and exercise levels.

The most common excuses I got from weight loss clients were;

1. My parents over fed me
2. My partner cooks too much food for me
3. I don’t like the taste of fruit/veg/healthy food
4. The government puts too much sugar in foods
5. There isn’t enough time to cook properly
6. I don’t know how to eat healthily
7. It is to cold and dark to exercise
8. It is societies/the media’s fault
9. I have the type of body that stores food more easily
10.I have a slow metabolism

My standard responses to the above excuses are;

1. You are now an adult!
2. You eat it!
3. Then don’t eat it and carry on eating junk food. I don’t care.
4. You eat it!
5. Make time!
6. Learn!
7. You live in England, it is cold and dark most of the time. Move to Australia. I doubt things will be different.
8. But it is your responsibility!
9. Have you had this confirmed by a doctor? Anyway if this is the case what this means is that you will have to work harder than other people. Life is not fair, deal with it.
10.Again, have you had this confirmed by a doctor? I doubt you do have a metabolism problem, if you do then you need to work harder than those with a normal metabolism. Deal with it.

People love to give excuses to why what I am telling them will not work for them. Instead they want someone or something to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own life and therefore the results they get. This is exactly the same thing I get when trying to help guys with their social skills.

People are not prepared to work hard at something and instead they want results overnight. The problem is with massive change is that the person can not handle it and it often leads to more serious problems. People also make stupid and unrealistic goals. Last week I worked with a 34 year old man who weighed 25 stone, smoked heavily and practically lived of take-a-ways. His goal was to lose 12 stone and become a professional footballer with 6 months. He is living in a fantasy land. Later on he told me he had watched “The Secret” and is visualising himself as a thin and playing football at Old Trafford. More on this dangerous and idiotic film later.

I have found that people like the idea of change, but don’t actually want to change what they are doing. Instead they want to feel better about their miserable life and give their favourite excuses to why the rules of life do not apply to them. The best way to achieve this is antidepressants, drinking or drugs. These tried and tested methods are excellent at blocking out reality and making you feel better about not getting the things out of life that you want. After all it isn’t your fault is it.

Real change takes hard work! There is no way round it. I know that a lot of self help crap just tells you to visualise stuff or even make a wish (I have actually read this in books) and everything is easy and the universe cares about you. This is pure delusion.

I have a motivational strategy that is foolproof.

Step 1. Make a realistic goal. Break this down into very small and manageable steps.
Step 2. Get the resources, skills and training you need.
Step 3. Work with people who know what they are doing.
Step 4. Try to pre-empt issues in advance. Plan rather than react.
Step 5. Measure your progress and keep on course.

No big happy feelings, no making wishes or worst of all, asking the Universe for it. I will let you into a little secret; the Universe does not care about you! If you think the Universe is there to serve you, you are delusional.

People do not want to take ownership of their problem. Whether it be a weight issue or the fact they do not have a good life and a girlfriend. It is your responsibility, regardless of what has happened to you in the past. You are 100% responsible for your results. Life is not fair, deal with it.

I was at home the other day and I switched on the TV. It was half way through “Deal or No Deal”. The concept of the game is simple, the contestant picks a random box containing a cash value, they then chose other boxes to open and try to sell their own box to the banker. It is a game of pure chance and probability. However I was watching this and the contestants were chanting, cheering and seemingly believed that they could influence what figure are in the boxes. One lady opened her box and revealed she had a high figure (chosen at random remember), she started crying as she felt so guilty and kept apologising. It is disturbing to think that people think they can magically change a printed numerical figure in a seal box by simply wanting it to change.

Just a few words that I hate are;

Abundance
Energy
Positivity
Fate
Destiny
Universe
Karma

I know that if I am talking to someone who uses these words frequently, that they are the sort of person who gives away control of their life and won’t take responsibility. The worst offender of all the self help crap is “The Secret”. I truly believe that this film is dangerous and should be made to carry serious warning on the cover. People watch this like it is a documentary, it isn’t. Firstly the biggest fundamental error is “the law of attraction”. This is NOT a law! It is not a law in the sense of gravity or anything within the realms of science. It is pure hypothetical idealistic nonsense.

Let’s look at the steps for “The law of Attraction”

1. Be clear about what YOU want and knowing exactly what YOU really want.

2. Placing Your Order. Ask the universe for what you want. The Universe won’t ask you questions that’s why it pays to be very, VERY specific.

3. Allow the Law of Attraction to work. Fully let the law of attraction to bring it about. Don’t force your ideas of how it should happen. Let the Law of Attraction figure that out.

4. Know without doubt that what you want and have asked for will happen.
Have faith and patience that the Law of Attraction will bring it about.

5. Relax and become receptive. You have to be in a calm harmony condition to aligned to the universe and manifesting your desire.

Basically this allows you to think of what you want, ask for it and then just wait to receive it. How amazing is that? I am sure that in some occasions that this has worked, however it does not make it a reliable system. This completely gives away your personal responsibility for generating results.

I met someone the other week that runs ‘Law of Attraction workshops’. He charges £250 for a day long course where people can learn how to manifest everything they have always wanted. As you can image I had a few questions for him, the main one being “how long does it take to actually get the results?”. Of course he gave me a useless answer saying that you have to be receptive, if you are not in that state you will not get what you asked for. So when people say they are not getting results he simply tells them that they need to be more receptive. Good system this, when you do not get the results you simply keep waiting and it is your fault for not being receptive. So you either get what you want (very unlikely) or you die from waiting for it. If people get impatient then they are not in a receptive state to receive. A foolproof system that does not need to provide any evidence to the poor people who shell out £250 for this nonsense. If you are not getting results it is your own fault for not being receptive.

If you want to start getting real results then you need to take responsibility for your life and change what you are currently doing. I understand that the position you are in right now may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility. I have worked with a wide range of clients, all of whom have their own personal histories and some of the things I have heard are very disturbing. I can totally understand why they are in such a state now, however it is still the person’s responsibility to take control of their life, regardless of what they have been through.

At a recent event I did a lot of 1-2-1 work with one guy in particular. I took a shine to this guy because he told me some of the things he had been through and it wasn’t at all pleasant. He was a nice guy but he kept telling me how things were not fair and why what we teach he is not able to apply. The rules of life did not apply to him, or so he protested. I gave him a list of things to do when he got home that would have got him results, I have tried and tested this with hundreds of people. At the end of the event he thanked me and said that he hoped that it had worked for him. This is not something I wanted him to hear as straight away he moving away from responsibility.

A few weeks of I emailed the guy to see how he was. He told me how much he enjoyed coming to the event but nothing had changed. He had not taken action on any of the points I had given him. He came up with a load of excuses, all were invalid. I knew that he wanted me to say that things were alright and justify why he doesn’t need to take action. Unfortunately he is the kind of guy who will never get results out of life although he had the knowledge and potential to do so. It is extremely frustrating to work with a client like this as I have seen so many get results by applying simple principles.

So in conclusion, I want you to really analyse your life and what you are currently doing. Only by being totally honest with yourself and taking ownership of your current situation will you ever get real results. Making changes to your lifestyle does take work, but the results are worth it. I can help you and show you what to do, but I am not able to make you do it. That is your responsibility.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Hey all

The argument about looks is always a hot topic in the pick up community. Some gurus claim that looks are totally unimportant and others say that they are vital. So what do you do if you are not good looking? Should you spend thousands on plastic surgery or accept yourself for who you are? Do your looks really affect your inner game and what can you actually do to change your image?

I have worked with a massive amount of guys when it comes to dealing with inner game and practically all of them had some sort of hang up when it came to their looks. Even guys who are remarkably good looking will have some sort of issue that will stop them approaching girls. Just because you are good looking does not mean you have automatic confidence and/or skills with women.

The main areas that men have concerns about their looks tend to fall into one of these 7 categories;

Teeth – crooked, chipped, stained and missing
Hair – colour, receding/baldness and poor style
Skin – acne scars, shaving rash, birthmarks, scaring and stretch marks
Weight – being overweight and underweight
Height – being too tall or too short
Unattractive features – big nose or just generally not very facially attractive
Dress sense – being unstylish or just dressing inappropriately
Teeth

I was on skype with an American friend yesterday who has just visited the UK on holiday. He asked me “what is the deal with your teeth in England?” Compared to American we generally focus less on our teeth, however it is being much more common to have work done to improve your smile. So is having a Hollywood smile import for your confidence?

Read any pick up material and it will not belong until you come across the importance of smiling. Those who smile a lot tend to do better with not just women but people in general. If you have a great set of teeth and a nice smile then you are extremely lucky, as most of us have some hang up with our teeth that often prevents us from showing them too often. Think about it like this, if you had great teeth would you smile more? If smiling more improves our game, and if this is dependant on the state of our teeth, then I think it is something worth taking seriously.

The good news is that now there is a range of dental procedures that can dramatically improve your smile. Up until the age of 17 I had horrible teeth, they were small, crooked and several never came through. I was always conscious of my teeth and I always stopped myself from showing them when I smiled. I constantly thought about my teeth and this seriously affected my confidence. Fortunately I had veneers and bridges done on the NHS which transformed my smile completely. Since having the work done I smile a lot more and my confidence rocketed.

Although my dental work was extensive, the pain was eventually worth it. When I had the work done (over 10 years ago) I had little idea about what they were going to actually do and the effect it would have. The work I had was not just cosmetic but also functional, therefore I was given it on the NHS otherwise it would have cost thousands.

My dental work was extreme but I did need it doing. Most clients I see are concerned because they have slightly crooked teeth or that they are discoloured. I would advise to invest in your smile but this does not mean spending thousands on implants and veneers. Often just having your teeth professional cleaned or even whitened can have a dramatic affect on your confidence. When you smile and are proud to show your teeth it defiantly improves your confidence. 

When it comes to your teeth and smiling, you do not need to have a dazzling bright white smile, just the ability to smile without feeling self conscious.  If you have stained teeth, get them cleaned. If you have crooked teeth then it is worth speaking to your dentist to see if you can improve them, there are a lot of procedures now available. If you have nice teeth then you are very lucky, just make sure you take care of them.
Hair

Traditionally, men associate hair with masculinity, virility and attractiveness. Losing your hair can cause massive amount of stress and is often ranked highly in our greatest fears. More and more men are turning to cosmetic procedures such as hair plugs and transplants. Of course there are still the more traditional methods that include the trusty comb over, wigs, wearing a hat or growing it long at the back while having a bald patch. Not surprisingly most methods with dealing with hair loss are very obviously and rather unsuccessful.

When it comes to hair loss I am somewhat of an expert. I have always had really thin and crap hair! My hair started thin and gradually got worse, from about the age of 10(yes, aged 10). At school I was not allowed to shave my head, nor would my parents let me. So for my school years I had to put up with having very thin and embarrassing hair that singled me out and made me very self conscious. I remember at school a girl who I really liked asking me if I had cancer! This actually happened and it was not a one off.

As soon as I went to university I have my hair shaved off to grade 2. For the first time in my life my hair was not an issue. It suited me being short and it was actually an even covering so I did not have a bald patch or anything to deal with. This worked well for me for a few years, but then I noticed it was starting to go thinner on top and even when it was a few millimeters long you could see a definite horseshoe.

The first time I shaved my head with a razor was an interesting experience to say the least. When I first looked in the mirror and stroked my newly smooth head I thought I had made a massive mistake. It therefore was a big surprise to me when I actually started to get complements about my hair (or absence of it to be precise). I now shave my hair with a razor 2-3 times a week to maintain my cue ball like head. I also use a bit of daily self tan to give my scalp a bit of colour so I don’t stand out like a light bulb!

Hair is extremely important to men and we will do anything to keep hold of it, regardless of pain and cost. I have seen lots of guys with hair plugs who look awful and fake. Trust me, girls pick up on things like this right away.

My advice is to be self accepting when it comes to hair and do not try to battle nature. If you have good thick hair (you lucky people) then make sure it is styled correctly. Instead of having the typical £8 short back and sides, actually invest a bit in your hair and have it done at a reputable salon. Ask girls for their advice (even use it as an opinion opener) and take a read of some fashion magazines to see what celebrities are sporting.

If your hair is thinning then I whole heartedly suggest that you resist trying to cover up the issue and just shave it off. If you have short hair and it is obvious you are going bald on top, then whip out the bic and go the whole hog. In my experience girls always prefer men with shaved or bald heads as opposed to those who are trying to cover up their hair loss with comb overs or plugs etc. Since I started using a razor for a comb, I now get girls opening me to stroke my head and I always get a lot of complements.

Losing your hair is not as bad as you think. Bite the bullet and do the right thing. Everyone knows you are going bald and it is a battle that you can not win! By shaving your head you actually regain control which will increase your natural confidence.
 

Skin

Having bad skin can seriously lower your self confidence. Remember being at school and having spots? How embarrassing was that. As we grow older we tend to have less acne issues (although some people do still suffer) and instead we have the scars that acne left behind and also other issues such as stretch marks.

When we feel self conscious about our bodies we want to hide them away from others, even our partners. Not wanting to get naked or being embarrassed about our bodies can cause a lot of issues ranging from approach anxiety through to sexual problems.

Another skin type of issue that we have to deal with is blushing. If there was a competition for blushing, I would win and probably set some kind of world record. I blush at everything and as I am naturally pale and completely bald, it is very obvious. Over the years I have been to see doctors, dermatologists and therapists to work on the problem, but nothing has ever solved the issue. It wasn’t until I realised that the only person who was bothered by it was me, that I finally let go of the issue and its hold over me diminished. Blushing is like hair loss, it is something I can’t control so instead of fighting it I simply embraced it.

I also suffered from another skin complaint, when I was young I was suffered severe sunburn leaving me with a lot of scaring all over my chest, shoulders and stomach. For years I would avoid taking my top off when on holiday and I even refused to go swimming with friends. When it came to more intimate situations, then it really became an issue and often I wanted to leave my shirt on. To deal with this I went to the doctor and he gave me a steroid cream that cleared up the 95% issue and improved my inner game no end. I could not believe that such a big issue for me was sorted out in just a couple of weeks.

If you have a skin complaint then these days there are options. Acne scars and stretch marks are the most common issues and can be dealt with the most. Instead of avoiding the issue and covering up, seek out professional help to see if you can improve your situation. If you can’t then you simply have to accept that you can not change and work on other areas of your life. Remember that women are a lot less focused on things like stretch marks than guys are. If you can do something then do it, if you can’t then let go of it. No one really cares about it apart from you.   
 

Weight

When I work with guys, their weight or body shape is often an area of concern. I do believe that being healthy is important, however we really need to take a sensible approach to this. In the media we are constantly bombarded with heavenly bodies that sport perfect biceps and abs that you can great cheese on. The dieting industry is built on fantasy and projects a completely and totally unrealistic image of the human body. I have worked with some guys who are in amazing shape, yet because they put on a few pounds over Christmas they are extremely self conscious and their inner game is terrible.

Cases of male eating disorders are rising at an alarming rate. Cosmetic procedures such as lippo suction and gastric bands are increasing in popularity amongst men as we truly enter the age of the metrosexual. Men get obsessed with working out and going to the gym, starving themselves of food replacing it with protein shakes.

A very common misconception that men have is that once they get a good body, they will somehow magically be able to get girls. Just because you lose weight/gain muscle it might give you a little more confidence, but you will still be the same person underneath. Your personality is far more important than your body, often people simply want to paper over the cracks instead of dealing with the real problems.

We need to start getting realistic and sensible about our bodies and stop aiming for the totally unrealistic image we are sold by the various industries that capitalise on your misery. There will always be another product, another diet or pill that “guarantees to get you ripped within weeks”. Although I believe that girls are more attracted to guys who are in shape than guys who are overweight or really skinny, you do not have to be male model.

Having a good body is just part of your overall attractiveness. Girls are much less shallow than guys, they do not have a visual rating system, i.e. she’s a 8, like guys do and are much more turned on by your  confidence and personality than just your 6 pack.

I knew a friend at uni who was about 6 stone overweight. He was a nasty piece of work and was not able to attract girls. He decided that the reason girls did not like him was his weight and chose to go on a massive diet. Over one summer holiday he spent several hours a day in the gym and literally starved himself, losing in total about 4 stone and really toning up. Image his dismay when he came back to uni and girls still didn’t like him. He was still a nasty piece of work, but now he just weighed less. He thought that once he was slim he would be happy, this is deemed to failure from the start.

My advice is to stop comparing yourself to others, especially those in magazines and in the media. It is important to be in good shape for health reasons, but do not let it dictate your happiness. I am currently overweight and I plan on losing about 2 stone. This is more for health reasons than anything, but most importantly I am doing it for myself. My size has never stopped me being with girls as I have worked hard on my interpersonal skills (or game I suppose), on my personality and lifestyle. Instead of trying to work out ways to lose weight, it is far more beneficial to work out why it is there in the first place.
 

Height

Like hair, height is something that men are extremely self conscious about and give far too much meaning to. Height is the only category from the list above that I actually excel in and have not had to work on. I am 6’ 2” and very happy with it. I have always been tall so unlike all the other categories it is the only one where I can not sympathise or give personal experience from. It is my one saving grace :)

I have however worked with a lot of guys who are shorter than I and they let it damage their confidence. Height is like weight, we like to make it a scapegoat for our problems. You can not change how tall you are so it makes it easy for us to blame our height (or lack of it) rather than deal with the real problem, your personality!

A guy I knew a few years ago was about 5’ 8” and he said it was the one thing that held him back in life. He said if he was taller he would be more successful with girls and practically every other area. He believed it so much that he went for extensive surgery to have his legs broken and lengthened. The whole procedure cost him thousands of pounds, a hell of a lot of pain and months not being able to walk. 

After the surgery and rehabilitation, the guy was a bit taller, however he was still the same person but now he had a limp. The only thing that really changed is that he thought he was more attractive and this change in mindset actually got him results. I personally believe he could have achieved this mindset without the painful surgery, it would have certainly been my first port of call if I were in the same situation. Although this procedure “worked” for him, I certainly would not recommend it to others.

If you are not the height you want to be then it can be frustrating. You do have options, leg lengthening surgery being one. Are women attracted to taller guys? Well the statistics say that they are. Does this mean that shorter guys can not get hot girls? Does it bollocks. Your height is not the issue, it is how you feel about it that is. If you are a shorter guy, then yes I admit it is a slight problem, but being annoyed and frustrated by it is not going to solve anything. Once again you need to accept the hand you are dealt and play the best you can.
Unattractive features

Unattractive features is my nice way of saying ugly. Some people are born beautiful, some people are born with a face only their mothers can love. Life isn’t fair, deal with it. Again this is a category where I fall victim. OK I am not really ugly, but I would never consider myself to be good looking. This used to bother me a lot when I was younger, however I genuinely believe I am getting better looking as I get older. This is just to do with my face, but everything including my style, body language and personality.

If you have an unattractive feature, then you have two options; either do something about it or shut up! The worse things you can do is to make no attempt to change the issue, but instead constantly go on about it and making it your favourite excuse.

I was out with a friend the other day and he has quite a large nose. He always goes on about how it has held him back and he is very bitter about it. He constantly complains that it isn’t fair that he has such a big nose and that if he had a small nose then girls would find him much more attractive. I had to be straight with him, I said “dude your nose is the least of your worries. Your clothes are terrible (he was wearing trainers, old baggy jeans and a jumper with a sports slogan across it), you are going bald and trying to hide it, your finger nails are filthy, your teeth are stained and you are wearing some nasty aftershave. Worst of all you are often bitter and claim life isn’t fair, well it isn’t so get used to it. Now you have been banging on about your nose for the 3 years I have known you and done nothing about it. I know you can’t afford to have it fixed, so instead stop going on about it because no one cares. Sort the things out you have control over and stop making excuses”.

OK I did have quite a big go at him, but he has talked about his nose being the issue for a long time. His nose is not the issue, his personality is and the way he takes care of himself. If he nose was slightly smaller would he have been able to go and approach girls that night, nope. Having a big nose gives him an excuse not to approach, but no one cares. Your life is not what you think, feel or believe, it is what you do.  

If you have a feature you really don’t like then having it fixed can improve your confidence. I know it certainly did with my teeth and skin. However, often you can not change the way you look and you have to accept that. If you fail to accept how you look then you will be bitter and have “why me” syndrome, which will repel people away from you faster than any facial feature.

 
Dress sense and style

The biggest thing we have control over when it comes to appearance is how you dress. I can not stress the importance of how being well dressed raises your confidence and the way other people perceive and treat you.

Being well dressed does not have to be expensive and I always see guys making the classic mistake of wearing branded clothes to try and show off. Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a D&G Jeans t-shirt. This doesn’t even make sense, wearing a t-shirt that is advertising jeans.

How you dress says a lot about you and it is the one area about how we look that we have the greatest control. I have never liked the idea of peacocking, just trying to stand out for the sake of it with gadgets and gismos. Dressing well is not about having attention because of wearing labels or flashing lights, it is about dressing to be attractive to the kinds of girls you like.

A private client came to my clinic last week and said that he was trying to meet classy girls. He was wearing trainers, baggy jeans and a humorous t-shirt. This guy was actually a dentist and was making over 50k a year, however he was dressed more like a student. He also paid little attention to his hair, but he was quite a good looking bloke.

People make snap judgements about you based on your style and body language. I have found that girls have a different rating system than men do. Men rate girls on a 1-10 scale whereas women tend to just have “yes” and “no” categories. Women pay much more attention to men when it comes to clothes as this says a lot about the person, wealth, status etc. When a man looks at a hot girl however, he will be focusing more on her body than what she is actually wearing.

The client I was working with said that he did not want to brag about his wealth and he wants girls to like him for him. I think this is crazy, he is trying to play himself down in some sort of “Coming to America” strategy. There is a big difference between trying too hard and showing off wealth (i.e. designer branded gear), and just taking care about how you look and investing in your wardrobe.

Our fashion stylist Ollie has an ebook available on his page and he also contributes to this blog. I thoroughly recommend checking his stuff out and learning about how to dress and become more attractive to girls.

Apart from how people judge you, how you dress has big psychological on yourself. When you look good you feel good, and when you feel good it is much easier to interact with people. When you know you are dressed well it does give you a certain sense of confidence and a swagger in your step.  Remember that dressing well doesn’t mean you have to be outrageous, just that you have put a bit of time and effort into your look.
 

So are looks important for inner game? I say that they are as it improves how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you. More important is how you feel about your looks and if there is something you don’t like then can you do something about it? The quickest and easier things to change are your hair and clothes, just by doing this you will look completely different. Once you have nailed your style then you may find that other hang ups you had start to disappear.

I recommend spending time on how you look and present yourself. Regardless of what Mother Nature gave you, you play the hand you are dealt. Start to work on your weak areas i.e. fashion or weight, and just see how much this improves your confidence alone. If it something you have little control over i.e height, then I advise to seek some form of therapy to help you to accept yourself more. There is no use being bitter over an issue as this will only drive people away.

If you can fix something then fix it, if you can’t then learn how to deal with it.

Hypnomatt

Why does your mind go blank in front of a hot girl?

Have you even been in the situation where you walk up to a hot girl and your mind goes completely blank, only to think of the best thing to say once you have left? If this is something you have experienced then you are in good company. There is not one guy I know who that this has not happened to the in the past. This post is about why it happens and the steps you can take to prevent it from happening from you in the future.

Our brains are wired and designed for survival, especially the male brain. There are two basic parts to the brain, the cerebral cortex (the outer part of the brain) and the R complex (the inner and oldest part of the brain). We take in information through our senses and this then activates the cerebral cortex for thought or the R complex for movement. When both parts of the brain work in synchronicity they we have both thought and movement, meaning we can react to situations whilst also thinking and rationalising about it giving you options in a situation.

When both parts of the brain are working in sync all is well, however depending on the situations and stimulus, only one part of the brain often reacts. When just the cerebral cortex works alone then all you have is thought and day dreaming. When just the R complex is activated then it produces emotional and physical reactions, this is how fears and phobias are structured. Thinking without movement and reaction without thinking are both critical for survival but it can leave us in trouble when we need to do the exact opposite.

So what makes the inner and emotional brain react without communicating with the cerebral cortex? The answer is fear, or at least perceived fear. When there is a perceived threat the brain switches to survival mode, by this I mean R complex is activated. Our speech centers are not directly linked with the R complex, so when you are reacting to survive, you literally cut off your access to your cerebral cortex to think and speak. When the perceived threat is past i.e. when the hot girl goes, then the brain starts to work in synchronicity again and you once again get access to thought and speech. So when in danger your mind goes blank, when in a relaxed state you have proper access to thought and speech.

 So what does all this neuroscience nonsense mean and how can it actually help you? Put it like this, when you are with your friends or family do you ever run out of things to say? Usually not, the reason because you know there is not a perceived threat from them and usually you actually have things to talk about. There are two areas you need to work on, firstly you need to learn how to be more relaxed when talking to girls, secondly you need to improve your conversation skills and have something to talk about.

Let us take the first part of the solution, becoming more relaxed when talking to girls, or as some of you guys call it “being in set”. The advice to be more relaxed when talking to girls is about as helpful as when girls say “just be confident” or “just be yourself”. If you have not had much success with women or not that great at talking to people in general, then making cold approaches to hot girls is going to create a lot of anxiety and fear.

Most guys who get into game want to be able to walk up and seduce any girl, anytime, anywhere, but this takes a lot of skill and practice. If you have problems striking up a conversation with a man or a women you do not fancy in the queue for the bus, then you are going to have real problems talking to girls you do like. The truth is that you can not be good with hot girls if you are not great with all people. Guys who are naturally good with women always tend to be with all people!

My area of work is helping guys reduce anxiety when talking with women and build self esteem, unfortunately I can not get to the bottom of your issues in a blog post but I can give you some tips to improve your success. Follow these three simple guidelines and I guarantee that you will have improved success with girls and people in general.

1) Start to make small talk with more people. If you work in an office make a conscious effort to speak to more people, even it is just asking them about their weekend. Try to elicit good emotions, memories and feeling from people and not bad ones. For example if it has rained all weekend and on the Monday morning in work, do not moan about the weather. Instead ask them what good things they did and take it from there.

2) Create mutual rapport with people. Walking up to a girl cold without knowing anything about her is hard, so instead go to events, clubs, societies, meetings, classes or anything thing where you have shared interests with others. When you have something else to focus on it shifts the pressure off you and therefore your mind is less likely to go blank. Try www.meetup.com and find local interest groups and go! I personally attend a range of events from hypnosis meetups to internet marketing workshops. Speaking to someone at a meetup where you have shared interests is so easy and effortless.

3) Do your research and have things to talk about. Recently I meet up with a girl who is really into promoting stand-up comedy events. Before I went to meet her I simply did a quick check on google news to see what was happening in the comedy world. That week Frankie Boyle had been in trouble over making some offensive jokes about the queen, Michael McIntyre has just announced he was going to tour the UK and play the O2 arena and BBC3 were launching a new program all about new stand-up comedians. From less than 2 minutes work I had 3 solid things I could talk about and get her opinions on.

Remember that you want to elicit good memories with people and make them feel good in your company. People like each other for the way they make them feel, so become good at making people feel good about themselves. By this I do not mean suck up to people, instead get them access long term memories. For example with the girl who was into stand-up comedy some questions I asked her included; do you remember the first joke you ever heard, who is your favorite comedian and why, what are some of the best gigs you have gone to, what is the best part about running comedy nights, who would you most like to perform at your gigs etc etc.

I hope that you have found this information useful and they you go out and try it. I would love to hear how you get on, please feel free to drop me an email at hypnomatt@puatraining.com. If you are still getting approach anxiety or your mind keeps going blank, then I am available in London for 1-2-1 sessions. I am a fully qualified Clinical Hypnotherapist and I specialise in working with guys to help improve their inner game

Matt Kendall AKA HypnoMatt
PUATraining Master Trainer and Clinical Hypnotherapist

It is that time of year again when I get bombarded with people giving me their advice on New Year’s resolutions and how to really “go for it”, “smash those barriers” etc. I work with people everyday helping them to achieve their goals in a practical and methodical manor. From working with hundreds of people I have noticed what really works and what does not. By keeping in contact with clients it has allowed me to track their progress and see the differences between those who make progress and those who stay stuck.

I have put together my top tips for making sure your goals are never reached and that you stay as you are, or even end up in a worse place. Follow these rules and be frustrated forever!

Make totally unrealistic and unattainable goals
Firstly you have to make completely unrealistic and unattainable goals. If you are 15 stone overweight then aim to be skinny, if you are broke then aim to be a millionaire, if you are single and never had a partner then make sure you want to be able to approach and seduce anyone you choose.

Remember at the first sign that everything is not going to plan, jack it all in and blame everyone and everything apart from yourself.

Ensure that you believe when you reach your goal, life will be pain free and super happy
OK everyone, time to think positively. Once you are skinny life will be amazing, once you are rich you won’t have any problems and once you have a girlfriend/boyfriend life will be just peachy. As soon as you reach this massive goal, everything is going to be fine. No more pain, no more suffering, no more living like you do now. All your problems just magically disappear.

Make it one giant leap, never make milestones
Never take small steps! As this time you are going to really do it, you just know it. On Monday morning everything will just happen and you will start to live your new life. If you are currently overweight and eat far too much, don’t worry as on Monday you will eat small portions of healthy food and be skinny by Friday. Hey, in fact as you are going to start your diet on Monday, you should eat as much bad food as you can before then!

Breaking super massive goals down into milestones is boring and silly, always make sure you make massive goals so you can really get the adrenalin going just thinking about it. So what if you currently eat 5 take-a-ways a week and never exercise, that Monday morning run and porridge breakfast is defiantly going to happen. You are going to really stick at your new lifestyle this time and not fall at the first hurdle. Make massive changes that completely contradict your way of life, it is the only way to make changes that stick!

Never get professional help
Professionals, bah what do they know. Just because they have spent years studying and working with people getting proven results, you should never go near them. Professionals cost a lot of money, just because they know their subject inside out and know how to get the results you desire, it doesn’t mean you should ever go near them. Instead why not do a bit of research on the internet, or better still buy a self help book. Now you are your own expert. Simple eh!

Never plan what you are going to do and when
It is dangerous to plan ahead, especially with all the fun you will be having with your super new life. Sitting down and working out a methodical and practical step by plan and gathering the resources you will need is a complete waste of time. Instead just think of the goal e.g. I want a million pounds, and just get started. You will just learn as you go along and soon you will have a million pounds and a great pain free life you have already dreamt about.

Just think it and you will achieve it. The universe loves you!
Fans of the film “The Secret” already know this proven and completely true universal law, “just think it and it will happen”. Are you broke? Then simply think about cheques and money being delivered to you and it will happen. Single and lonely, well just cut out pictures of people you are attracted to, put them on your dream board and soon they will be walking through your door and throwing themselves at you. Massively overweight? Simply stand in front of the mirror and picture yourself as being slim, there is no need to make any changes or exercise. Not when you know “The Secret”.

The universe loves you and it is there to serve you. Everything happens for a reason and all your wishes will come true. Remember to just think about what it is you want and it will be delivered every time. Know this amazing information how could you ever fail to achieve all your dreams?

Sadly I put this on a message board a couple of weeks ago and people emailed me to thank me for the great information and they are now following my advice. They actually thought they were serious steps to goal setting. Reading the above article you may think I am just a mean person, this is not true. I have worked in the field of change work for several years and I get frustrated when I see people profiting from other people’s pain.

Every year we fall for the same old tricks. Just turn on the TV or read the newspaper and look at all the adverts offering you an amazing new life. People who are desperate will buy and do anything to achieve their goals yet they have little direction, plans or even an understanding to why they want to achieve them.

If you are serious about making changes in your life then I can offer just a few simple tips;

Make a direction instead of a destination.
Instead of wanting to be skinny, aim to live a more healthy lifestyle. Instead of wanting to seduce everyone, aim to improve your social skills and talk to one or two people a day. By making a destination people are often lost when they arrive there and do not know which direction to then take, often they go back to the start as this is what they already know. A common form of this is yo yo dieting, once the weight is lost you do not know what to do so you simply go back to how you were before and the weight starts to gain again.

Work with professionals.

If you want the best results then work with people who can really help you. Put the self help books down, stop going on the internet trying to find that little tip, secret or product that will transform everything. Personal trainers, hypnotherapists, dieticians, doctors, financial advisors etc are all available. Yes it may cost you money, but how much is achieve your goals actually worth to you? Working with professionals also makes you accountable to someone and they can save you so much time, pain and wasted effort.

Make plans.
When making a goal, remember to put plans into place and prepare. I specialise in helping people with social anxiety and weight loss and I am always amazed at how people never prepare. If you want to become more sociable then you need to actually plan things to do, start to fill up your calendar and stick to it. If you want to eat more healthily then you need to go and buy and prepare the food to take to work etc. Without proper planning we tend to fall back into old habits.

Calm down!
Everyone wants to change overnight. Unfortunately that is not going to happen, and if it does then it is build on very weak foundations. I have worked with people who have been for weight loss surgery and they are surprised that they are gaining the weight back almost straight away. The fact is that their mind and habits are that of an overweight person, they simply do not know how to act as a thin person.

Aim to make small changes that you can stick to and make part of your daily and weekly life. Sometimes you need to take larger steps, especially to get going, but then introduce small and manageable changes that are not going to revert. When you make massive changes they are hard to stick to, once you fail on one it tends to bring everything crashing down.

Change your strategy, not the amount of effort
Human behaviour is often a strange thing. One major part of our behaviour that keeps is stuck is our desire to be right. We hate to be wrong and we tend to stick to what we know, even though it does not deliver results. Instead of changing our strategy, we put more effort into what we are already doing in an attempt to be right.

People get stuck in their own patterns and this leads to frustration and depression. A classic example is people trying to lose weight. They read every new diet book and try them all, yes they might lose a few pounds but it always come back. Others will tell them that diets do not work, but they don’t listen. Instead they keep buying the books and the products hoping that one day they will find the right one and the weight will fall off.

This is another reason why working with professionals is priceless, they can look at what you are doing and make simple yet highly effective changes. It often takes someone with an objective viewpoint to see the mistakes you are making.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

If you want help with your goals this year, drop me an email at hypnomatt@puatraining.com

HypnoMatt

If you read online marketing about getting women, it’s all about “in just 2 minutes”, the “5 secret steps”, the “simple proven method”…after a while we don’t believe any of it. This stops a lot of guys learning pick up. There are three things that marketers often promise with everything from pheromones to the latest PUA product:

-It works
-It works for everyone (yes even you)
-It works fast and it’s easy.

Here’s the truth on these promises when it comes to good Pickup training:
-Yes it works
-It works to an extent for everyone
-It can be fast-ish and easy-ish but that isn’t always the case.
-THERE WILL BE SOME TOUGH TIMES!

Let me break down the truth behind the marketing…

Pick Up definitely works, there is a mountain of undeniable evidence of guys that have transformed their lives. The big question is how quickly and easily it works. I’ll be able to give you an idea of that, first let me ask you a few questions:
-Have you slept with and had relationships with some women already?
-Are you comfortable in some social situations?
-Do you have natural qualities of either humour, cockiness, story-telling skills, interesting life experience, acting, dancing.
-Do you have female friends?
-Are you successful and confident in a particular area – eg work or sport?
-Are you in decent shape and do you dress pretty well?
-Are you good at picking up new skills quickly?
-Are you intelligent?

You can take the above and assign a few points for each “Yes” answer and then add them together to see how much you can likely achieve in a given period of time. Guys that have a few of the above going for them will be at an advantage. It’s not the same for everyone, these guys WILL be better than guys that say “no” to the above. A guy that is confident at work, has interesting stuff to talk about, has some natural conversational quality and has some experience with women could get this area totally handled in a few hours. A guy that has never kissed a girl, is unemployed, and has nothing interesting going on might take months to even get a number (assuming he doesn’t do some intense training like the Residential Course).

I was a guy who started game at 25. At that point i’d had a girlfriend and slept with one other girl, those were also the only girls i’d kissed. I had no female friends, and no real male friends. I was bad in all social or group situations, comfortable talking with my mum but not naturally funny or good at telling stories. I was good at learning things quickly and was intelligent. I was confident on the stock market but this didn’t translate to dealing with people in that realm since I did it all from home by myself with just the computer for company. My starting point was lower than 90% of the students I see.

And now the final point, the thing the marketers never mention – It can be very f@%king tough!

When you are gaming, you are putting your soul on the line. You are sticking your neck out. You are rolling the dice. It’s not like signing up to that distance learning course, this is something you have to do, more like tennis lessons. Except we don’t really care if we are good at tennis, we can live with always being shit at tennis, at being “the kind of person that will always SUCK at tennis”, we can’t live with always being shit with women, we’d rather be dead. We need that hope that we will someday be good. That hope is something that we can cling to.

When we start taking action we are giving away our hope and exchanging it for either:
-Success with women
-The memory of the attempt at being successful which failed.

In the second case, the hope has now gone, leaving us with nothing to live for. Depressing for sure, but this powerful force is what stops us taking the action that we think we should, we don’t want to give
our hope away and potentially exchange it for something far worse. It’s what held me back for so long. Understand this and you can take control. But let’s get on to what you can expect on any big journey…

There will be horrible times. You will be harshly rejected, and it will hurt. You will get a number and be so happy and then be dejected when she ignores your text. You will think a girl really likes you and then she will just stop answering your calls. You will get dumped, in some shit way like by email or facebook, and it’ll probably make you cry. If you learn this stuff over a few months you will have
to experience a whole 5-10 years of bad stuff in that condensed time.

Here’s the good news:

It’s no longer left to chance, each error can be corrected next time, you are playing a computer game with “infinite lives”. You WILL know what you did wrong. Each time you f&%k up and fail you’ll be further along, you’ll never go back to zero. You can at least approach, you can at least get numbers, you can at least get into relationships in the first place, you at least know you can get another date. The lows stop feeling so bad and the highs get better and better. Just like the average self-made millionnaire who went bankrupt 5 times, you need to learn and fail and suffer MORE than the average guy in order to be stronger and better than the average guy. It’ll make you into the man you want to be instead of a p£$$y, no one does this and gets to the end and stays a pu$%y. It’ll root out all of the shit things about yourself and force you to become a better man.

So here I am…I feel like I got to where I want to be. I don’t make massive mistakes, i’ve made them all already. I make small ones, and those are correctable. I can meet a beautiful girl, I can fall for
her and she’ll fall for me, i’ll want her and she’ll want me, we’ll be happy together. If it doesn’t work out, there are other girls out there, amazing girls aren’t amazingly common but i’ll find one and it
won’t take too long. I can’t be crushed for too long, I can’t be lonely for too long, and i’ll never feel helpless – I can help myself. I don’t want to be a robot with no emotions, but my game protects me
from feeling the real lows because I always know that i’m never going back to the situation I was in.

In sum, yeah it’s scary, yeah it will be tough, but it’s a road that you’ve got to take if you want to be happy.