Why Women give you the Cold Shoulder and What to do about it

Ok in this post I’m going to be talking you through how to deal with one of the most common, and frustrating, responses a girl can give you: the cold shoulder. Yep, that horrible moment when you’ve made your approach to the hot girl leaning up against the bar in a club, and her first reaction is to turn away. This behaviour sucks (and I’d never personally do this) but it happens all the time.

I can imagine how you feel when she gives you the cold shoulder:

Frustrated and angry that she’s been so rude?

Sad and dejected that your approach must have been embarrassingly bad?

Resolute that this girl will never end up in your bed?

Or maybe all three? Luckily for you,  all of these assumptions may not be true at all. However, so often the way you respond assumes something incorrectly causing you to react negatively and lose the opportunity to turn the situation around.

No interaction is ever perfect; and how you respond to women can often ‘correct’ even the worst ‘mistakes’.

Right so here are some common ways that you may respond:

  1. With anger: you may swear at her, make a nasty comment or just storm off. This is a natural response to have but doesn’t really help you get any further in your journey to getting her into bed. In fact, her, her friends and any other girls that saw are going to think that you’ve reacted like the biggest jerk in history. Also you always want to convey that you’re secure enough in yourself, that one girl’s stupid reaction doesn’t affect you. She’s just not that important to get angry about.
  2. By criticizing yourself and trashing any chances of you doing any future approaches: Whilst it’s good to analyze why she may have given you the cold shoulder (maybe you didn’t approach with enough intent, maybe your tonality was off, or your body language weak) but don’t beat yourself up too much about this, and let one bad response ruin your evening. Women are allowed to have a bad day (often we call this PMS) or maybe she’s just been hit on already that day by a bunch of hopeless guys and just wants to spend her time with her friends. Sure if she doesn’t respond well to your approach there are probably areas of what you’re doing that you can tweak, but don’t criticise yourself: there are a lot of other factors that could have affected her response.
  3. By acting apologetically: Also don’t react apologetically by supplicating to her. This can be verbal, “Sorry erm, enjoy your evening anyway”, or can be sub-communicated by raising your voice, speaking quickly, or by allowing your body language to lean in or down to her. These are all techniques we use to become less threatening. However, less threatening doesn’t usually equal more attractive. Besides you’re a great guy with nothing to apologise for: if she meets you properly she’ll realise what great value you have to give her.
  4. By being non-reactive and just walking off: whilst it’s powerful not to be emotionally affected by a negative response don’t just give up! Cold shoulders are often subconscious tests of whether your frame, your masculinity, and whether your inner game is strong enough to deal  with her. Or she may have rejected you because you didn’t convey your intent well enough, or what you’re about strongly enough. Let’s face it: if she knew what an awesome guy you are, there’s no way she would have done that. Just giving up does you a disservice and also allows her to get away with some shoddy behaviour.

Instead of behaving in any of these ways I want you to do the following:

1. Re-engage her with minimum effort: To do this you want to minimise your further investment in the interaction. I’d suggest gently touching her on the shoulder to move her body language a little more towards yours; as you do this you can shift your body weight a little so that you are closer to being diagonally facing each other (first photo) than you facing her side/ back (second photo). Then try to project your voice, instead of leaning in

2. Acknowledge what she’s done- but how you’re not affected by it: It’s important to ‘call her out’ on her bad behaviour, to show that you won’t tolerate it, “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder…” whilst maintaining a light hearted, playful tonality that suggests you’re not fazed/ upset by it.

3. Acknowledge why she’s done it- but that you accept her reasons for it: Show how socially well calibrated you are by appreciating why she may have behaved how she did, “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder, but that’s ok; I know that you don’t know me that well yet.” This will help to put her at ease that you understand her limitations and are aware enough to understand her. Always deliver what you say at all times with a slow, calm tonality to show that her reaction hasn’t made you socially anxious.

4. Get a positive response from her: Often at this stage a little humour and confident behaviour can help make her smile and re-engage her with you, “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder, but that’s ok; I know that you don’t know me that well yet. It is making me look kinda bad though, so turn around and let’s try this again.” In order to lead her effectively you need to have conviction in what you’re doing so be confident, keep the tonality level, and assume her compliance.

Hopefully that will have given you guys a head start on how to deal with one of the most common problems you’ll encounter, and allow you to overcome it, carry on running your game, and get the result you want.

Look out for more of my future blog posts, and I hope to catch you at a PUA Training Bootcamp, or on a Residential Course.

Hayley Quinn Xx

p.s. Big thank you to my mate Andy Shannon (andy@andyshannon.co.uk) for the filming and photography used in this blog

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Comments

  1. Sam Vincente says:

    Calling her out is always a good thing to do, but I don’t know so much about re-engaging – especially if you’re talking about getting the cold shoulder on your opener.

  2. Steve A deal!! says:

    It’s Not what happens that matters! but how you react to what happens that matters!!

  3. great video, makes perfect sense. I didnt react once before when I got the cold shoulder because I litterally didnt care at all. but this is a much better way to deal with the situation

    • Thanks Caleb

      I think a lot of the time an initial 'no' from a girl can be overcome and actually create more attraction if you have the strength of purpose and masculinity to deal with the sitiation

  4. dudes

    where the fuck is Kezia? I miss her lol

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