You know, it’s a funny thing being a “PUA” or dating coach.
People don’t just expect you to be good with girls or teach others how to be good with girls.
They also expect you to be sleeping with endless amounts of girls. So no doubt there were some gasps from guys at just reading the title of this post here.
Back before I ever got good with girls, when I was a virgin, when I was looking at the pretty girls at school who were always totally out of my reach… I wasn’t thinking of “banging” them, I was thinking romantic thoughts about relationships.
Holding hands and looking lovingly into each others’ eyes. Yep, all that pussy boy stuff :)
So for me big pain in my life that drove me to get really good with girls came from being lonely and unloved.
I hated being a virgin
The idea that with every month that passed the other boys were getting more and more experience with girls and that one day I’d have sex with a girl and not really know what I was doing because I hadn’t done it before.
But the lack of a relationship, of love from someone that wasn’t my mum. That was what made me depressed.
So then fast forward a few years, around 2008/9, I’m already very good with girls.
I’m going out to clubs a few times a week, sleeping with girls from the clubs, and then I’m working hard on the business. I had lots of distractions, friends, and an enviable lifestyle.
This was the kind of thing that I dreamed of from 15-25 years old. “Living like a rock star” was always the goal, right?
At times though, when there were no distractions, the Sunday or Monday after the party weekend, I felt a dissatisfaction.
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I was sleeping with beautiful girls, but usually at 3am, usually when tipsy, and it was just sex, no real emotion involved.
This isn’t going anywhere
When I did have relationships in this period, I wasn’t totally in to them. I usually knew immediately that it didn’t have legs. The girl was nice or kind or smart, but usually I knew that she wasn’t “The one“.
It was comfortable, but I still had that nagging feeling of “not quite right“.
To want to share things with someone and to give all you have, you want to feel that deep connection and love that you just can’t feel for every girl.
It has to be the right one.
Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful for this period, I really enjoyed it.
We had an amazing time and the experience is what allowed me to be such a good dating coach, and produce so many products that help guys all around the world.
I met lifelong friends, and gained much needed experience. I also really honed in on what I want in a girl, which is an essential thing for a guy to know.
I’m tired of partying
I’m 36 now, so of course I’m not interested in going to clubs 7 nights a week.
So in the past few years I’ve met lots of girls through other means.
I’ve also slowed down.
I didn’t want to sleep with girls the same night I met them anymore. I wanted to get to know them a bit better, build up some sexual tension, and sleep with them another night.
This made the sex better, and made everything more exciting and interesting.
I’m kind of a philosopher and a deep thinker, so I like to play out scenarios in my mind and think about consequences, and also think about how I want my life to play out.
I was thinking about a few possible scenarios for myself:
Be a playboy forever
This was basically continuing to have casual and semi-casual relationships. I could date multiple girls, I could date one girl but she’d know it wasn’t going anywhere.
One downside was the lack of connection with one person. So for example you want to go on a tour across America and see the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone Park and visit some major cities.
Great… but it’s best if you are with a girl who you really love, right?
Taking some sexy bitch… it’s kind of a waste, and most likely you are not going to be able to fill the long drives between places with conversation… if only because you are just not that into her aside from the physical.
So the first problem is no deep connection with a girl.
The second is family.
Most people want to have children. I got back in touch with my dad after I turned 29 and he never had more kids. I see other guys in my circle getting older and not being any closer to “settling down”.
Although I know I can be a single 50 year old and still date 20 year old models, it just starts to get a little bit weird.
The third issue is that it just gets old.
I’ve slept with enough girls that I can imagine what they look like naked and what sex will be like. I am not going to have regrets about never going to X country and sleeping with the girls, or sleeping with that kind of girl, I’ve done it all.
It doesn’t even raise my pulse much these days.
Get married and have a “normal” family
This route always appealed to me.
My mum wants grand kids, I definitely want children, and I definitely want my girl to be the one I have the deepest connection with.
I don’t want to be a 45 and 55 year old “weird PUA” that is still gaming and working on their text openers or whatever bullshit.
I had two worries, one was that I’d need other chicks, and the other was just finding “her”. I had such a long shopping list by that point that it would be really hard for anyone to match up.
In the years after 2009, I was really tuned in to finding that ideal girl. I had a pretty good idea of what she’d be like:
- 21 to 25 years old. Younger girls don’t have the experience to know what they want in a man or the comparisons to know why I’m much better than most guys. They can also change a lot during university years.
- Intelligent and curious. She should always be interested in finding out new things and trying new things.
- Active and interested in many things. She should have her own interests and be able to teach me things and introduce me to things rather than it being one-way from my side.
- Tall, thin, beautiful, natural. Duh.
- Not materialistic. Not too into her Instagram and shopping.
- Kind, considerate, loving and traditional in family views, but also… sexy and feminine.
- No drugs, no excessive alcohol, healthy lifestyle. I don’t want a girl who is always trying to go out with her friends and get drunk on a Friday.
- Who appreciates my qualities. She should be looking for a guy like me, not for some other type of guy – an artist or thug or whatever, and she should notice and appreciate the best things about me.
- Doesn’t lie. She needs to be honest with me from the get-go.
- Who is confident and won’t take any of my shit. I need to be kept in line, just like any guy, I’ll respect her much more for that.
- Can amuse herself when I’m busy. If I need to do some business, she shouldn’t be hanging on my shoulder asking when I’ll be finished. Go and read a book or do something useful.
And probably a bunch more. It was more of a mental list, but you get the picture.
The problem with this list?
Well the problem was that it turned out to be a tall order.
So first you exclude any girl who isn’t beautiful enough… and you are already not left with much to work with. Back in 2009 I moved country to greatly increase my chances just by increasing the quantity of girls who were “my type”. You can see my little travel guide.
I was meeting the kind of girl that was good enough in looks around once every six weeks. The thing is, it doesn’t matter how many beautiful girls are around me, I still want rareness.
If I can walk around and see a few girls who are more beautiful than my girl every day, then something is wrong.
Sounds very shallow, but I need her to be beautiful enough so that on the rare occasions when I see someone who is as beautiful I can just say “yeah but she probably sucks in one way or another and wouldn’t be right for me”.
My experience of assuming that just because she is beautiful doesn’t mean she has what it takes came from all those times when a girl has been beautiful but had other major things wrong with her.
She could be a pure party girl, she could be addicted to instagram and try to make me her instagram husband, she could just not be interested in anything.
I remember being on dates and telling girls that I was working on a new book or a computer game and they just say “oh cool” and not anything about “oh what’s it about?”. And these were girls that I slept with and spent time with.
Lots of girls were just straight boring
Beautiful creatures sitting there, but with nothing to say. It wasn’t that they weren’t educated, they all were, they just weren’t interested in anything aside from shallow shit.
A rare few who slipped through the first screening turned out to be almost the whole package but were just gold diggers, and could date me or some old fat guy in Dubai and it’d be all the same to them as long as they got shoes and handbags.
Others just said a few things that didn’t add up, I got the impression that they were not being honest, and sooner or later I’d catch them in a lie.
I don’t want to sound like I’m being hard on women.
I love women, 80% of my friends are women and I’m very kind and gentlemanly with them.
For sure I have my faults! I’m intolerant and can be rude, I’m annoying, competitive… you get the point.
I don’t need perfection in my friends, these girls can be less than perfect and I’ll love them all the same. I care about all my exes and check in on them from time to time to make sure they are doing well.
It’s just when it comes to the serious business of finding “the one“, you need to be really fussy otherwise you are going to hurt yourself and others when things don’t work out.
I’d give exactly the same advice to a woman looking for a man
If a girl had an unfixable fault, I didn’t lecture her or insult her, I just knew that I couldn’t think of her too seriously.
Now remember, I’d taken all my experience and done a lot of work to make sure I was connected to the modeling industry, so these girls were really beautiful.
It took time and experience to be able to look beyond that for the other – important – things. (You can see some of them in my YouTube videos.
Guys sometimes comment about “paid models”, which makes me laugh. I encourage them to try calling a model agency and asking for some “models for a PUA video shot in my apartment”, see how far you get).
This went on for a few years
Meeting many girls and having lots of fun, but also filtering for the things I wanted in my dream girl.
Again let me clarify – I don’t want to sound like a whining bitch, I was very happy, happier than in 2009 and exponentially happier than in 2001.
I’m just a perfectionist and so wasn’t totally satisfied.
Business was good, I had great friends, my lifestyle was really nice and comfortable. There was just this minor nag that wouldn’t go away.
In 2014, I was starting to wonder if I was a fool and an old romantic believing in fairy tales, thinking that it was just a matter of time, that I’d meet a girl who really was the one. I started to consider another option…
There were girls who were very beautiful, meaning good genetics for my kids, were domesticated and would make good mums, and who wouldn’t be too demanding of me.
It’d be like a 1960s family where I’d just need to put a roof over their heads and be a good dad. I’d need some “business trips” and “late nights at the office” to meet other women, and she would be like don’t ask don’t tell.
I’d need some friends who I could have smart and deep conversations with, and maybe I’d need to take up golf and fishing to stay out of the house more…but maybe it was an option.
The problem was that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, just a not-too-shabby Plan B, but kind of settling, even if the girl was stunning. I decided I’d give it a while longer.
Chakras and Threesomes
Before I tell you what happened in the end, I know that a few of you might be wondering stuff like:
- Why not just have a bi-sexual girl and have threesomes all the time.
- Why not have a bunch of girls and be in a polyamorous relationship
The first option can work. But it’d be harder.
When girls say they are fine with stuff, you can’t always listen to that. It’s natural for them to be jealous, just like it would be for you. How often would you have other girls? how often is too much?
That’s another occasion when you really need to run through in your mind and think about all the consequences and have a little mental rule book about how you will do things.
The second option is not something I believe in. I’m not a chakra and crystals kind of guy so I don’t roll in those circles where anything goes.
That means that my friends are pretty normal people in terms of their views on stuff. I also like a girl who can be considered “good” by traditional measures.
Finally I want my mum to be proud of me.
To be constantly explaining your relationship and dealing with the friends and family of not just you, but the friends and family of all of the other people involved would be enough of a headache.
Then fast forward and imagine explaining to your kids, and their friends’ parents and teachers. God.
On top of that you also have the “management” of the relationship itself. Did you give 60% of the attention to girl A? Did girl B want to sleep with some other guy and you are not cool with that?
Did girl C finish the toilet paper and not put the new one out. I mean people argue, and it’s a miracle when two strangers can live together and get on without major incident, and adding more people just makes it even harder. Kind of like flat sharing with 1 person vs 6.
I’m a lover of a quite life with minimal stress and drama and definitely no chakra talk or chanting sessions. I want to be respectable and for my girl to be respectable.
Believe me, I can be a master manipulator and could construct any situation I want for my love life, but for me to respect my women they can’t be in a situation that devalues them or gives me too much power over them.
Which brings me to 2015, February. My friend was visiting me and so we were hitting the bars a little bit. We went to a place that was kind of artsy.
Where there are no tables and Cristal poppin’ but also where it’s not too down-market, with the kind of girls that don’t like the mainstream bars and clubs.
I saw a girl, I could only see her head and shoulders but could see immediately that she was tall, thin, and beautiful. I hold her eye and approach. Say hi.
Very soon I put my hand on her waist and guess her height and weight – 175cm (5 foot 9) and 53kg (117 pounds), I’m spot on and she is surprised and curious.
We spend an hour or so together, good conversation, a little teasing, some flirting. We already have good chemistry. She didn’t drink anything, because she came by car, she drives us home.
I try to kiss her but she rejects me…and I’m glad, it shouldn’t be that easy with a quality girl – why does she need to kiss a stranger right away?
We meet again for a first date and the conversation is great. She knows about a lot of things and is interested in most things she doesn’t know about. Looking back on that date we both think it was perfect – deep conversation, honesty, teasing and playfulness, and sexual tension.
Over the coming months, all my possible objections fall away. Somehow she nails all the criteria. She has had a couple of serious relationships and appreciates my differences from the average guy. We have a minor blip when she googles me.
But we work it out pretty quickly and she says that “she trusts what she knows about me, not what the internet says”. Within a few months I’m quite certain. In November 2015 on Seven Mile Beach in Jamaica I propose, and she said yes. It’s a year later and we are getting married next month.
I’m confident in my decision, have no doubts, and have never been happier. I made a plan back in 2005 when I realised that I could change my life, and it only took 11 years of hard work and fun to get there ;)