I was on a 1on1 the other day and had some deeper realisations on eye contact. We were in set together, I was winging and observing my student whilst he was in set. I noticed that I was able to get my girl comfortable and in rapport very quickly but his conversation seemed to be a bit stop-start. A lot of guys also tell me that they run out of things to say, etc. I used to have this problem, but maybe I wasn?t completely conscious of all the elements I have now that make this not happen anymore.
He was breaking eye contact to think of what to say next. When you break eye contact, the other person?s attention can wander. They will look around the room, things will catch their eye, the eye wanders and then the mind wanders. It will break them out of the moment. It?s very difficult to do this if someone is holding eye contact with you, you might look away but you will feel drawn back in.
I knew this already, but what I realised was the timing of the eye contact break. If you break it when there is a break in the conversation (end of subject, thinking of what to say next), then it increases the strength of the break and creates the stop-start kind of conversation. If you break eye contact when they are in flow or you are in flow, they still have the words there to hold their attention so it is more acceptable and doesn?t create that break. I advocate constant eye contact, but I notice that I break it when I?m winging, talking to guys, or generally talking to people that I don?t want to be attracted to me. But I break it when there is not a conversational break, this means that I only lose the attraction but not the flow.
Another factor was that he nodded and moved his head a lot when the girl was speaking. Subconsciously, this told her that she should finish what she is saying quickly. We all know what it is like when someone is nodding and saying ?aha, yeah, aha?, it?s annoying and it communicates that they have something to say. He wasn?t verbally doing this, but he was nodding and moving his head quickly which both makes it look like he wasn?t listening well and made her think he wanted to jump in with something to say.
If you can keep eye contact and match their vocal tone and be relaxed in your body language, you can create an environment where they forget about the whole room and everything going on for a few minutes, it?s almost hypnotic. I think this is what I do, and this is why my conversation flows. We are focused completely on each other, I?m not in my head wondering what to say, and they aren?t looking around getting distracted. It is powerful.
Of course, eye contact is also essential for the seduction phase?
Exactly- to simplify it even further, just listen to the woman!
By actually listening and taking on board what the woman is saying, conversation will become so much easier.
For one you will pick up on the hook-points for where you can lead the conversation, secondly you won’t be thinking about what to say next because you’ll be listening, and thirdly because you’re actually listening you will be involved in the conversation and will naturally find something to ask or extend upon something she says.
The nodding the head thing can be irritating, it is very annoying when you’re saying something you really want to say and then someone else tries to butt in by constantly nodding and saying ‘yup yup…’ and then they’ll usually go on and say ‘In my experience…’. Watch panel shows and see how the comedians are fighting with eachother to be the ones to say something funnier than the other comedian, you can see this in ‘mock the week’ especially. There’s nothing wrong with slight nodding to encourage the other person in conversation, but over-eager nodding is un-attractive.
In an interaction we are not trying to be the one who can say something funnier or cleverer, if we can demonstrate that we can listen and understand the woman’s world then she’ll be a lot more likely to actually want to listen to what we want to say later on.
Guys, I’m not entirely sure about this one… You guys definitely have much more experience than me, off course. My sticking point here is CONSTANT eye contact. Isn’t that too aggresive? Offcourse, I know you don’t mean staring, that will freak them out. But shouldn’t even normal eye contact be periodic rather than continuous, especially with a new face? I feel constant eye contact is too strong or perhaps, in some instances, too submissive – the latter if the girl already has too high an idea of herself and perceives this as a symbol of “yup, got him under my thumb”. Also, what about the occasional glance at another HB while talking to your target? Is that a good idea, in that it may make her jealous or show her you are not yet all hers, or not?
Reply would be highly appreciated.
Hey D,
Good point and one where guys often question what we teach. Here’s the answer:
Pretty much 100% of guys that we train don’t hold enough eye contact. They break it when they are thinking of what to say next, they break it when there is some tension or a silence, and they don’t hold it when it’s time to escalate sexually.
If I approach a girl I usually hold 100% eye contact, I wasn’t aware of this but it’s what i’ve been told. If i’m NOT seducing a girl or if i’m talking to a guy, I obviously don’t do this.
A comfortable constant eye contact creates pressure, connection, and later, sexual tension. It’s all actually good stuff!
Thanks for the reply Gambler! :)
Even though you don’t explicitly reply to the later two sub-questions, from your last para I get exactly what you mean, in terms of pressure, connection, tension, a kind of playful lead and control.
Much appreciated!
Gambler,
when you say ‘A lot of guys also tell me that they run out of things to say’ this happens to me, but essentially what i’m gathering from this is, keep eye contact when you think of what to say next. What if you can’t think, or what if this just creates awkward silence?
thanks
a silence is only awkward when you yourself are uncomfortble with the silence. just use an i don’t care atitude. if you are relaxed even during the silence women wil notice. just hang back (litteraly lean back) dont lean in while lisening to her, she should be getting closer to you if she wanted to hear what you are saying
when you lean in when lisening to here that gives away to much that you are interessted in her. she should lean in when you talk. when she leans in when you talk it unconsesly emplies that she likes you and want’s your attention and not the other way around.
if you can handle a silence in the comversation without letting it bother you than that is very atractive for a women. because you don’t care wether she likes you are not. that should indeed be here loss. just my two cents
September 30, 2010 at 12:02 pm
a silence is only awkward when you yourself are uncomfortble with the silence. just use an i don’t care atitude. if you are relaxed even during the silence women wil notice. just hang back (litteraly lean back) dont lean in while lisening to her, she should be getting closer to you if she wanted to hear what you are saying
when you lean in when lisening to here that gives away to much that you are interessted in her. she should lean in when you talk. when she leans in when you talk it unconsesly emplies that she likes you and want’s your attention and not the other way around.
if you can handle a silence in the comversation without letting it bother you than that is very atractive for a women. because you don’t care wether she likes you are not. that should indeed be here loss. just my two cents