We’ve just completed one of the special NLP weekends and another group of guys had a lot of fun learning a whole set of new skills around Influencing, Language use and Storytelling.
One the most popular ideas was that of flipping buts, so, I thought I’d share you this simple pattern for dealing with resistance which you can use for pick-up, business, in fact, any area of your life where you are communicating with people and want particular results.
Imagine someone saying:
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Well, I’d like to meet up but I don’t know you that well
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I really like the product but it’s too expensive
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I want to talk to new people but I don’t feel confident
What if you had a simple way of completely changing the emphasis on what the person says?
And, if you could actually acknowledge their ‘resistance’ so they feel completely understood and still change the meaning of what they’re saying?
When someone uses the word ‘But’ it tends to have the effect of negating whatever comes before or (or significantly diminishing the power of it). People tend to forget what came before the BUT and focus on the final part of the sentence. When the boss says “The job was OK BUT I’m unhappy with the way you went about it” you probably forget that the job was OK and might not feel great.
When someone says “I really like the product BUT it’s too expensive” you know they’re probably not going to buy.
Flipping buts involves keeping everything in the sentence and just changing the order round i.e. flipping the 2 things either side of the BUT.
Consider the following reply: “OK, so it’s too expensive BUT you really like the product”.
This does 2 things:
1.) It paces their reality and acknowledges their objection
2.) It leads them to think differently by placing the emphasis on “you really like the product”
“Well, I’d like to meet up but I don’t know you that well”
“OK, so you don’t know me that well, BUT, you’d like to meet up………. so let’s do it so we can get to know each other better…..etc.. (there are obviously multiple options here)
I was working with a student the other days and he said “I want to talk to new people but I don’t feel confident” so I replied “OK, so you don’t feel that confident BUT you want to talk to new people”. He said, “Yeah, I do” as his whole physiology lifted.
I’m not suggesting that every objection and resistance can easily be dealt with this way – this is just another tool for your toolbox that you can utilise when it’s helpful. As you use it I’m sure you’ll discover for yourself how useful it is.
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Wow – that’s so simple but powerfull. I was kicking myself that I had the bootcamp to look after and couldn’t make it down to your event – next time for sure!
Guys – Ben is one of the most inspirational guys I’ve met in a long time – when you see us arrange more of his events, book up. We had to turn people away from the last one and you need to not miss out.
Gulliver
Great peice of advice man. Very simple and powerfull!
Love it. I’ve just started reading a book on NLP and I think its great that it has all these nifty little tools for dealing with people. It becomes almost worrying when it makes you realise how much of our thoughts and feelings are based on simple mechanics of language, but (haha, the magic BUT) then I realise that it doesn’t take away from the magic of individuality, only casts it in a new light. Maybe. Well, thats my positive spin on it in any case, whether it makes sense or not.
NLP in action ;)
I really like this. Very subtle yet very powerful. Kinda puts you in the Yoda mindset where he flips everything around and to make it sounds awkward, yet appropriate.
Would be nice to hear more of the stuff that comes out of these NLP weekends, but it’s a really interesting post.
Hey Richard, I like your sense of humour!
So you said it’s an interesting post BUT you’d like to hear more of the stuff that comes out of the NLP weekends…….. well……. some good news, we actually just filmed the entire weekend and it’s being edited into a DVD set that will be available at some point soon.
man, great fresh post! it seams like advice that could be immediately applied and tested.
it sounds like its branching from rob cialini’s business on the use of “because”, how a because statement always justifies its precedents no matter what it is(i.e. “it makes sense to come over BECAUSE all your friends want to leave anyways)
except its been reversed. nice.
Hey guys,
NLP is a great tool. Ben shows just how great with such a simple example. When you start to understand how humans are linguistically programmed a whole new world opens up.
I started using NLP about a year ago — on a very small scale — to influence the direction of discussions. It’s great to know that you can change the whole mood by just reversing the negativity.
You can add to Bens example by using a technique that offers people two different choices that lead to the same outcome. For example, if a girl was showing last resistance you could say:
“We can go to bed now, or if you like we could have a shower first”.
This may seem like a crude example — it is certainly not the best. However, it does show the point I am trying to make. The human brain concentrated on the two options and doesn’t consider any other possible alternatives. I have used the above example to good effect, but don’t be that direct!
It’s important to remember that girls dislike direct or language that seems confrontational. Keep your language image based when moving into the double questions.
Hope this helps guys,
Jonathan.
OMG!
This is an amazing thing to use. I had a situation with a girl i was talking with last night and invited her round to my place and she said how she was on the bus on her way home and would like to come but is too tired…
This trick would have been brilliant to use :)
“So you’re too tired but you would like to come round… awesome, be round for about 8, i’m getting the snacks ready so don’t be late”….lol
Man, it’s such a shame i got this now and not 2 days ago when i needed it… Definitely next time though ;)
I had never noticed how much i used this, it was on an unconcious level, but i kinda did, like i told you before in another post i worked in sales as a linner, so my work was to debate objectios, and i was flipping buts all the time, i just didn´t noticed, or at least i didn´t in game matters, since you had said everything important on this, i just wanna share that this tactic could be used in other ways, at least the main idea, not necessarely you have to use phrases where the HB uses “but”, for example, sometimes it happens that the set is not too solid, and the Hb, tends to want to keep in contact but she puts a barrier or something by telling you she is gonna give you her e-mail instead of her phone number, you should act like this have a lot of sence, but then you give a solution with even more sense, for example:
HB:mmm… what if i give you my e-mail?
Poker: Oh, so we could chat and then you would give me your phone right?
HB: Sure!
Poker: I have a better idea then, give me your phone, im gonna write you a text message and you answer it to me with your e-mail, how about that?
HB: Great, let´s do that!
And then, you take the number, you already observed that the set is not too solid so you work on the attraction and rapport a little bit more, well… you know what to do from there… take care guys!
POKER
As a side note, this became a rather humorous opener when me and some of the other students went out sarging on the saturday night.
PUA: ‘Hey guys, has anyone ever done a “but flip” on you?’
HB: confused ‘No??’
PUA: ‘Well, a friend of mine was telling us earlier about this concept of ffliping peoples buts back, what you dois…’
It leads nicely into convesations on NLP, psychology, etc.
Dex
Dex, that should had been funny, is really great when you take an opener, a routine or some stuff that had been used over and over again, and you make it yours by twisting it a little, that is really refreshing and i think that reflexes to the target.
POKER
Hey Ben,
Glad you got the joke! Im really excited about the release of the DVD. As I have said in some comments on other posts, my opinion on NLP is divided. I do accept that NLP has some fascinating ideas but sometimes I feel that some of the theories are too overrated.
I’m looking forward to seeing your take on it though, and especially in regards of story-telling and persuasion.
Richard
Dexterity is right on the mark. Something we’ve both found after previous NLP events is that just by talking about your experiences with NLP, you can easily get into deeper conversations, and get good rapport with people. You’re genuinely interested in what you’re telling the person, so they can’t help but become more interested in you.
I’ve approached women and talked with them specifically about NLP, demonstrated some, and then continued the seduction into other areas DESPITE them knowing I’ve just used those ideas on them.
For me, this really reinforced the idea that the way you do things in a seduction is more important than what you do.