SHOULD I TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER!!!!?
We have all seen the films; we have all felt the wonderful frustration of having feelings for someone ‘special.’ That painful feeling of being alive and wondering ‘does she like me?’ ‘How should I play it?’ ‘Is it friendship or more…?’ and basically analysing her every move and looking for clues! Call it love, lust, 1i-tis whatever……….It can bring a smile to your face and fill you with hope or it can suck in big f***ing way! I know I have been there!
Now the frustration builds up and eventually a guy will feel he ‘needs to know one way or another’ and clumsily tells her in the most unromantic/un-seductive stupid chump way! The question I get asked nearly every bootcamp is “I have this girl I am close to…” or “I have this ‘friend’ who I kinda like and I was wondering if I should….”
THE ANSWER IS NO! 100% A BAD IDEA…..
ACTUALLY NO…….. A TERRIBLE IDEA!
I will explain why confronting a women with a badly rehearsed speech is always a bad idea and only works for Hugh Grant in badly edited British romantic comedy films.
Okay so you are spending time with a girl you have feelings for and you are wondering how she feels. There are roughly 3 possibilities……….
1) SHE REALLY LIKES YOU AND FEELS THE SAME (USUALLY ONLY AROUND 10% OF CASES FALL INTO THIS CATERGRY)
2) SHE IS ‘UNSURE.’ SHE WANTS YOUR ATTENTION BUT CLASSES YOU AS A FRIEND. SHE DOES SHOW SOME SIGNS OF ATTRACTION ON OCASSIONS (NOT ENOUGH TO FORCE YOU TO MAKE A MOVE) BUT IT IS UNCLEAR AS SHE ALSO TREATS YOU AS A FRIEND. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU AS HER BOYFRIEND BUT EQUALLY DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. YOU ARE IN ‘FRIENDS LIMBO.’ (THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST COMMON AROUND 75 % OF CASES ACTUALLY I RECKON)
3) SHE PURELY SEE’S YOU AS A FRIEND AND YOU DO NOT APPEAL TO HER SEXUALLY IN ANY WAY. (THIS IS ACTUALLY QUITE RARE….. USUALLY WOMEN HAVE A GAY FRIEND THAT FILLS THIS ROLE)
Now if you are in Zone 1 shame on you. She will have given you a host of direct IOI’s and she will be starting to lose interest in you fast! Women want leader’s not wet warm wimps who need it spelling out. She will either feel you are not interested and will quickly find another target or because you are demonstrating that you are not socially calibrated. Every time a guy misses an IOI he is demonstrating he does not understand sexual dynamics and is not a leader or sexually confident. Now telling her “Hey I really like you” might help get things started but ACTIONS speak louder than word. Take her out, escalate and take the lead…..quickly before someone else with balls does. Be clear in what you want when planning the date and don’t apologise for wanting to take thing to the next level. You are a man it is natural! Watch Latino guys they escalate very quickly and even though sometimes they are a bit fast, they do demonstrate sexual confidence. Actions not words………unless those words lead to actions (see NLP posts etc.)
Zone 2 – By far the most common. She spends time with you and gives you some small attraction signs so you have a little hope but never a clear come on. Imagine this………You are on a tight rope half way across, at the end is the door to her bedroom, where you want to be. However below you, after a big fall, are big, long spikes with ‘Friends Zone’ and ‘Let’s just be mates’ written on them. If you tell her YOU ARE FORCING HER TO MAKE A DECISION about where she classes you. It is a big pressure on her to make up her mind when she is unsure. She will shake that rope and you will fall into those spikes. So guess where she is going to frame you………? A friend! That is the safe option and you have not created enough attraction yet!
Now women are different to men in that they will collect male friends to ‘be there’ for coffee or lunch or to just moan to and not feel lonely whilst they are single, that is how they validate themselves. However, I also fully believe for a woman to take the time and effort to be friends with a straight male there must have been some attraction there in the beginning. Maybe not loads to have made her melt when around you but there was something about you that attracted her or why would she have spent so much time with you. You have to be confident in that. Now chances are you have given way too much comfort, that’s why you are hovering in friend’s zone however there was once something! Even if she has forgotten it. Now you need to tap into that and develop it more.
Zone 3 – She only see’s you as a friend and has never had any attraction towards you what so ever! This is actually very rare. Women may say you are in this zone but you are actually in zone 2. Women tend you have a gay friend that fills this role. Now, if you are in this zone confronting her with your feelings will not do any good (she probably knows already) and won’t ever allow you to build attraction in the future because she will always have the higher value and status. You have a 6 month lease in friends zone if you tell her your undying love you will have a mortgage!
Basically if you are in Zone 2 or even Zone 3 all is NOT lost. You need to say “Cool let’s just be friends” and treat her like any old mate and stop the needy stuff etc. You might need to have a break from her and a slightly reinvent yourself and during the process and acquire several new girl friends realising that ‘the one’ actually is not that special and not worth the heart ache! However this is another post so stay tuned or e-mail me and I will break down the process on how to get out of friends zone and into the fun zone.
Stay Well
Pete
I disagree with the post; stuff like this pisses me right off.
To be honest, I think PUAness is reaching a bad level and sometimes I don’t like the environment we are in, where guys like us are on a pedestal, pity other guys who confess their feelings thinking that PUAs are better than everyone else. How many PUAs would have the balls and use “direct game” on a girl? most guys are afraid of sharing their real selves with someone so they use game on a girl. So to all you “stupid chumps” out there, I respect yas!
If a guy likes a girl who he is friends with and eventually “confesses his feelings for her” I kinda think that is admirable. Not a “stupid chump”
If you “confess” in a cool direct way, I think you will get the girl!!e.g.
Notice how I said cool, timing is important, be playful, funny, charming, display all of your fantastic traits and say
“Hey, I have been noticing we are getting on pretty good these days, I think your kinda cute, you wana go out sometime”
If after you have said this and she says no, you know where you stand, you will be proud, you don’t have to worry with the
“Cool let’s just be friends” and treat her like any old mate and stop the needy stuff etc.”"”
This is a waste of time! If shes not in love with you now, she never will be. She may grow to feel AFFECTION for you, but not attraction!Direct game is the way forward, before you guys disagree with me, check this link out
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6wEDm-OUkFg
Being direct showed courage and you were true to yourselves.
Now, if a guy confesses in a direct UNCOOL way “Look I love you”
this is obviously just too much pressure on the girl, then I think that is wrong, she will think you are being dishonest in being her friend so you can get into her pants, so be direct/honest in a cool way!!! everyone gives these guys hard times, they are just uneducated, it doesn’t give us a right to call them chumps, that makes us judgemental and in fact is more of a reflection on us. Encourage these guys, concentrate on their courage.
So in summary
1. I think if you like a girl (friend) then be direct!! But not the whole Hollywood “I am in love with you stalker material.
Be playful, cool, kino, great fun .The key is for it to be natural and LOW PRESSURE!!
2. Stop using the term chumps, wusses, it’s judgemental, just because you know PUA material doesn’t give you a right to slate others.
Cheers, Noel
Hey Noel,
I’ve got burned by being honest and open verbally. The way things are set up, we have to play a certain amount of games. It’s a shame! In the friend to girlfriend game i’d test the water without verbalising things. A guy that is natural and skilled doesn’t need to ask he should be able to tell.
Cheers Pete,
This has confirmed some of my views, I totally agree with the non-neediness.
It would be cool if you could do a post sometime, on the ways to tap into that attraction if you are in zone 2.
I was thinking maybe along the lines of maybe pumping her buying temperature and then delivering an SOI of sorts. Thats just me guessing though.
great article though
Yeah we have all got burned Gambler, thats part of the game we are in, and it will happen again!
But, I still think its the right thing to do. In the way I mentioned.
I have had experience going out with three girls who I was friends with for all about 6 months by just being a cool guy who just displayed I am the prize etc (Naturally,before GAME in my life), i GOT THE GIRLS, THEY EVEN ALL ASKED ME OUT. but the point is I never kept these girls
AFFECTION was created and not ATTRACTION.
By being open in a low pressure manner, you will get an outcome. If she isn’t attracted to you in the first place, she never will be. You might be able to display to her in a logical way “yeah he is healthy, successfull, ambitous” so she will go out with you, but she is not attracted to you, she feels affection for you, and relationships don’t last on affection. there has to be attraction!!
QUESTION
How many guys do you know who
• Have been friends with a girl for over a year
• Seduced her
• And have had a LTR with her?
Not many, This is why it is better to be open, you will know if the relationship is real and not based on affection. The girls who burned you Gambler of course you could have got them into bed and gamed them and had fun, but I gurantee the relationships would have ended and not have turned into LTRs.
Hey guys,
When I saw that Pete wrote a blog on the ‘Friends Zone’ I had to read, it use to be one of my biggest sticking points, now it is my biggest strength and secret weapon – making the step up from friend to boyfriend;-)
Noel, I can see what your saying and I can see what Pete is saying, and i’ll start by i’ll addressing the Youtube video you linked to your comment. This is Adam Lyons going direct, and Adam is one of the best pickup artists in the world and demonstrates how effective it can be. The thing with direct is that it works well on someone new or random in your life. However, sometimes you start to feel attraction for a friend, which can sometimes take time, and then it can be too late – and here is why:
Picture yourself as the woman for a second. She has a great friend in her life, she can talk to him, trust him and care for him. However, oen day this great friend turns around and says he wants to be more, now she is in jeapordy of loosing a great friendship, it is too much pressure on her part, if she wants to be with you she will feel like hold on, we have to make this work as I don’t want to loose a great friend so it may change ehr mind and think it is not worth it. If she doesn’t want to be with you, your relationship as friends is damaged, your on different playing fields. Now this is highly unfair and inconsiderate to put her in this position.
The best way to go about this, is to transform this affection you talk of and turn it in to attraction naturally, progressively and smoothly – Make it fun for her, make her see she can trust you, she can take a chance on this guy, who doesn’t jus talk about what he wants, he shows it. Now i’m not saying start treating her differently to other friends, but when you are with her, test the waters non-verbally as Gambler says – for example, maybe make a very slight sexually suggestive comment, if she responds well, keep going, now if she turns around and says ‘ergh, whats that about, we’re friends’ she clearly is not going to appreciate the direct method at all and you’ve put pressure on your friend, and she trusted you!
Whether it is best to be friends with someone before getting in to a relationship with them, is subjective and each to there own. I personally enjoy this and there is no time limit as to how long you have to be friends prior to you buildign attraction, be it one year or one month.
On a closign note though, I just have to say, that video Adam put up, I saw it when he first released it, and even though I already knew what it was, I just had to carry on watching this time round is well, awesome demo of direct game.
Your Friendly, Neighbourhood PUA, Dharam ;-)
Thank you Noel for your response and sharing your views.
I knew this matter would spark responses as most of us have personal experience in this matter to one degree or another and I am guessing Noel does too as my post seemed to hit a nerve which is good, this is healthy debate. I also have lots of experience on this topic, a little too much to be honest! Some from my more (to use PUA talk which I am not a fan of but it is common language so I will) AFC days and also to becoming a well respected and successful PUA and trainer, we are all human and Pick Up is not about tearing that away from us and turning un into brain dead, unemotional alpha pricks but instead I believe actually making us more in tune with our emotions but learning how to manage, filler and develop them in a controlled way. Love hits us all and our quirks and vulnerabilities can make a person unique and interesting…. I know I find a girl’s strange little ways sometimes really attractive.
Anyway in response to Noel’s comment, as he touched on some good points………..but first
QUOTE “guys like us are on a pedestal, pity other guys who confess their feelings thinking that PUAs are better than everyone else……” or “…..it’s judgemental, just because you know PUA doesn’t give you the right to slate others.”
“Guys like ‘us’ ” have we ever met!? ;-)
Noel Buddy I think you are being a little sensitive now but I am hearing your concern. No one at PUA training thinks they are on a pedestal and pity others, far from it, we have all been there to one degree or another. I am sorry if you felt judged, not my intention at all. However we are in the business of teaching and developing students, therefore we will naturally have some degree of status regarding this area of life but certainly not as human beings…… I have many ex students who are doctors, barristers and other high status jobs and have done amazing things that I can’t even imagine, it’s very humbling!
Now back to the post. Now first Noel mentions ‘Direct Game’ now I am a big fan of that! It is confidence! As I said; to escalate, to be sexual, to show you want to take things to the next level and you are not afraid to lead is alpha but anyone who understand what direct game is about will know this needs a STRONG FRAME. For example Adam’s video (he is one of the world’s top PUA’s) and it was with a stranger and not a girl you have already build an non-sexual friendship with. I love direct game and I see direct game all the time and some of my ex-students are now becoming naturals after developing this, therefore they can tell a girl in the first 5 minutes of meeting them that they are “going to marry them” or “we are going to have wild sex tonight you know, it’s a fact” etc. etc. or open them with anything and pretty much say anything in set no matter how crazy or off the wall it may sound. Some stuff I’ve heard people say has been very strange but worked because said in a cheeky, confident, dominant, tongue in cheek way. These people had a strong frame! This takes time to develop though. As I said “don’t apologise for wanting to take thing to the next level” in other words be direct but when the time is right to pull it off. However, an uncontrolled display of emotions where there is little or no attraction is NOT DIRECT GAME…..well it is directly back to square one and home alone game actually. It does not matter how honest and how much Noels ‘respects them’ for being honest. (See his first comment) Great! He respects them for being brave but they don’t get the girl. Sorry to be cutting but that is not direct game! Direct game is building attraction and high levels of sexual tension and escalating fast! Not rejection!
Now his 2nd point about how to confess in a ‘cool’ way I totally agree with Noel! Great points there Buddy! Validating girl by saying we get on well, you are kinda cute, let’s go out and have fun etc. is great game but this is what is again used to a STRANGER or a new girl in your life not your friend you have ‘had a thing about for months’ which is what my post is about! However this said to girl you have just met in the street or bar in the right way by the right person is great escalation. Knowing how to mix qualifiers with disqualifiers/build and break rapport would help too. Said to someone you know well is very tricky and for it to work, it has to be said with a strong confident frame. What sadly happens is guys don’t often do that….I know I didn’t, even when I was getting amazing results elsewhere as a PUA. Most do it in a too needy, heavy ‘sweet but not attractive’ way because these emotions have built up to boiling point and are too intense. As we both said it puts pressure on the girl.
QUOTE- “If she is not in love with you now, she never will be. She may grow to feel AFFECTION for you, but not attraction.”
I strongly disagree and I have lots of proof from my own life, other MPUA’s and student’s experience to base my opinion on. There is already affection that is why she is friends with the guy! There is actually too much affection! Attraction can be built! Of course it can or pick training companies would not exist! It is the essence of what we do! I’ve done it and taught it in the most unlikely of cases! It can be a challenge, take time and commitment and maybe not worth the hassle but with skilled training it can be done. Damage can be unpicked! If anyone wants to put this to the test book a one on one, if it does not work full money back! No questions asked! Let’s put it to the test!
The rest of the post has some other good points about being playful, cool, kino etc. To me that is not ‘direct game’ is it simple escalation though….
Finally, ultimate aim of me and all the trainers is to develop natural game in our students where openers, routines, monitoring and controlling your feelings and how you show them etc. is NOT needed. My favourite saying is Work on yourself, then be yourself! However, again this can take time and the above are training tools we use to help develop that and being strict with our emotions and holding back can be a great lesson to learn early on. Uncontrolled emotions can make a person weak, but emotions channelled correctly can make a person very powerful, passionate and loving. Just be aware that confronting her is not needed, it’s needy! Just build attraction, have fun, read her responses and escalate being in the moment and enjoying her company…. if you are hitting a block contact us. Building attraction from when in the friend’s zone is another detailed post which I will deal with soon.
As always as trainers we have to deal for the majority and there will always be exceptions to the rule and someone with a strong frame etc. can break these rules and do the opposite of what I am saying and succeed so I am sure you get every success doing it your way Noel and good luck, you seem to be a natural in this area. My post is aimed at the majority though. I hope this is helpful to all and thank you for your comments guys.
I hope the debate continues I am signing out of this topic though, for you guys to work out now!
Stay Well
Pete
Guys, I see what you are saying about testing the water but
Please read this post and let me know your thoughts as it summarises my thoughts perfectly and I think you will be interested!
lets keep this simple.
My thoughts are
your method is 100% correct for turning a friend into a SEXUAL PARTNER, however, i think my method is 100% correct for turning a friend into a long term girl friends.
And I think this is where our conflict arises
okay
heres why
If she isn’t attracted to you in the first place, she never will be. I know you all disagree but I’ll explain my thoughts.
Okay by playing it cool and testing the water,, you can seduce a friend. FACT. But I don’t think this means she is neccessiarly attracted to you!!
You might be able to display to her in a LOGICAL way and get her to think
“yeah he is healthy, successfull, ambitous funny, he touches me in the right way etc”
so she will go out with you,
In my opinion, I think that she has logicalised in her head why to go out with you, but attraction isn’t logical, Its a RESPONSE. she feels affection for you, and relationships don’t last on affection. They Just don’t.
By being open in a low pressure manner cool way, you will get an outcome. i think that the success rates of being direct on a friend will be lower , however, at least you will know if she feels attraction to you or not, as opposed to your method of possibly turning her into a sexual partner and loosing her down the line when she realises that “your perfect for me, but just not right beause I don’t feel that attraction for you” ie she logicalised in her head why to go out with you, instead of going out with you based on attraction.
You see a bit better now my stance on the thing?
Cheers for being a cool guy, I like your style
Noel
Pete, I apologise for writing an aggressive blog wasn’t directed at you or PUA training, just a generalisation and I am geniunely sorry for being a tool,game is frustrating me a bit at the minute as I’m a perfectionist and I am getting that sorted with a 1 on 1 with REFLEX in november,
You stay classy
Why do so many guys into PU become so obsessed with making every girl they Facebook, Number, K or F a Girlfriend?
Make her your friend. Pivot from her, meet her friends. I cant speak for others but I love being around girls. I feel much more relaxed if I spend time with a girl or 2 or 5 and then go out gaming. And lets be honest. social proof is a concept soo many guys dont understand but it makes the whole thing EASY!
What if, you are seeing a girl atm and you have chance with her, but there is this other girl you have know for lets say a year. This second girl, she is showing interest in you, she gives you IOI’s but there are times when she just goes and makes out with an other guy.
How do you know which girl to choose? How do you know with which girl you will be able to have a healthy ltr with?
Hi Guys,
I’m slightly different to you guys…..older….uglier….fatter….lol but I have met some fantastic girls….via the Internet…..so have had to rely on written words….so much harder when you cannot see their faces….put in the nuance….expression and body language…but I have been successful and met seven girls since May……
Now I think I have met the one….a very special girl…..and now to the point….I didnt tell her I loved her….I told her it would be very easy to fall in love with her…..that love was a word to easily used these days…….she loves me to tell her how I feel….makes her go goosey…
So..it depends what you want…..to spend your life surrounded by girls and wondering if she is the one or is it the next one….if you think you love someone tell them….be yourself because if you are not nothing will ever work in the future….
I really admire what Gambler and the guys do….would love to work with them….but whatever you learn be true to yourself or your gonna get hurt…..
Stay Lucky
xx
hey this is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. in my case it is. this is kinda scary that this just happend to me yesterday.
i admitted to her that i liked her and i fell in to the friend zone and it felt like someone was squeezing my heart.
wish i read this earlier
did it once. i was going away to college and i really didnt want to leave this girl without letting here know how i felt. opened up, and got shot down. terrible terrible weeek.
i will NEVER do that again. just wish i had this to inform me so i didnt fall into the friend zone
We have great phone conversations and I am the one who generally hangs up unless she is at work and pressed for time.
So I did the bad thing 2 days ago and told her she means a lot to me (did NOT use the L word).
She immediately said: You know I live with (name of BF) and he is my BF.
I replied: I don’t care and I’ve known about him for some time. She knows I have a GF and am thinking of breaking it off.
I then said maybe I should just consider staying with my GF. She then said in a small voice, oh, I think you should break up or consider it (or something like that).
BF or GF was not brought up into the conversation again.
We set a two week tentative date nothing special lunch or coffee etc.
While there I carefully rearranged her blouse three times so it covered her bra strap up on her shoulder. She let me do this with a slight smile and stayed perfectly still.
Then I kissed her on the hand and cheek and left. In a very public non pick up place so could nto really go for a kiss (plus never have kissed her anywhere before.)
I called her the next day but have not called her again and do not plan to do so for about 5 days.
I probably have one itis on her….she is a great girl but I recognize my self esteem could be better.
Comments?
I am anxious that I did not completely screw up with the raising of the BF and the kiss on the cheek instead of a real kiss blah blah blah anxiety ridden angst bleeding from my pores as I resolutely refuse to call her.
yeah this is the basic pattern to get a girl who is your friend and in all actuality i like to make a girl my friend first and then turn up the heat. it does take longer to get the girl but if you really like her its the safe way to go and im the kinda guy that looks for girlfriends.
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