Is it better to focus on the girl or on your own development as a pua?
Posted in Communication & NLP, Inner Game |
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My recent post“Using ‘NOT’ Part 1 - What You Focus On Increases“ explained the concept that in communication, “What you focus on Increases”. Poker made some great comments and asked the question, “Is it better to focus on the girl or on your own development as a pua?”
Of course, the question itself implies that it’s one or the other and not both. So, a simple answer is to consider how you can expand your world to focus on the girl AND developing yourself.
Another answer is to discover your own response to this question –“What do you really want, and, much more importantly, WHY do you want it?”
When it comes to personal goal setting (compared to influencing in communication) then the ‘What you focus on increases’ has been really widely used and The ‘Law of Attraction’ stuff and ‘The Secret’ are based around this idea. In personal outcomes I believe there is a whole other level to it which people often miss and it’s not just about consciously deciding to focus on something. In my opinion,
what you focus on UNCONSCIOUSLY increases.
Here’s a simple example. Guy decides he wants a girlfriend and focuses his energies on achieving that. Suppose we ask him, “Why do you want a girlfriend”, i.e. “What will having a girlfriend really give you?”
Lots of possible answers of course (and let’s just say that it’s more than sex for a moment). Imagine Guy A and Guy B (by the way I’ve made a number of generalisations here, please realise they’re just so I can explain this more easily – they’re not true).
Guy A: “Well, I’m happy and one day I’d like to be with someone who I can share my life with”.
OK, and what will that give you?
“It will give me a special connection with someone.”
Guy B: “Because I want to feel like people are looking at me and thinking I’m a cool guy”.
OK, and what will that give you?
“I won’t feel lonely or anxious that people don’t like me”.
So, A’s unconscious motivations are to have a special connection. B’s unconscious motivations are around being lonely or anxious - (which suggests that he might be feeling lonely or anxious presently or, at least, has unresolved feelings from the past).
Now, consider what is likely to happen with these 2 when they’re selecting girls.
A will be selecting a girlfriend based on whether she is likely to be someone he might feel a special connection with.
B will be selecting a girlfriend based on whether when he is with her he thinks he will no longer feel lonely or anxious that people don’t like him.
Do you think it’s more likely that B might well accept a bitchy girl who messes him around whereas A wouldn’t? And, is it possible that B will actually put up with this and even end up being in a relationship where he feels lonely and anxious that he’s not liked? i.e. B may get more of what he is UNCONSCIOUSLY focusing on - being lonely or anxious.
Now consider what is likely to happen when each is meeting girls and what each may be communicating to others. Which one is likely to come across as needy? Which one is likely to respond to her tests and want to be most compliant? Probably B, in my opinion. Again, B ends up getting more of what he is UNCONSCIOUSLY focusing on - being lonely or anxious.
Who is a girl likely to be more attracted to? Probably A (with one exception*). So, A who has developed himself (or who is naturally this way anyway) is going to be more attractive (to the majority of girls) and is more likely to select a girl he will actually want to be with. A is getting more of his unconscious motivation - being with someone he feels a special connection with.
*the exception to this is the girl who is really needy and lonely herself who might be attracted to B – and unfortunately for both of them they end up having a relationship . 10 years into the future they’re unhappy with themselves and each other and don’t know why.
By the way, although it might seem like I’m putting B down , I’m not – he’s doing the best he can and making what he thinks are the best choices. There used to be times I felt similar to B, we can all change and evolve throughout our lives.
I think that ‘attachment’ is also a consideration here. When someone ‘wants’ something and they believe it will give them something they haven’t got it can be easy to feel attached to getting it – the positive aspect of this is that they are motivated, the negative aspect can be that they started to be narrowly focused on achieving it and become very needy. In the above example Guy A is much less likely to be needy because he already feels good in himself. Guy B will probably have moments of no longer feeling lonely or anxious when he is with the girl so will be way more attached to being with her which means she begins to have the power.
So in answer the original question, “Is it better to focus on the girl or on your own development as a pua?”
My answer is, it depends on what you want but, more importantly, why you want it.
Finally, if, when you examine your own motivations and feelings, you discover that there are some things that are less than positive or not totally resourceful then that’s one of the things Inner Game is about – sorting that stuff out. One of the reasons I’m writing this is because NLP offers a lot of ways to change the past, present and future. Richard Bandler, co-creator of NLP says “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. The best thing about the past is that it’s over. The best thing about the future is that it’s yet to come. The best thing about the present is that it’s here now.”
P.S. I’m running a special NLP Weekend Workshop on 22nd - 23rd November in London titled ‘Introduction to Hypnosis, Self-Hypnosis and Hypnotic Modelling‘. Read more about it here. Places are limited so book now to avoid disappointment.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Ben, I think that’s your best post yet!
It is interesting that you say decide what you want and also decide why you want it, because a lot of PUA material will say ‘decide what you want’ but I’ve never seen that followed up with ‘why do you want it?’. And that is an important question because if the answer is, like guy , because it will stop you from feeling lonely- then maybe what you want isn’t actually the solution to preventing those feelings of loneliness. I think having this mindset should clear the pathway a bit more in terms of planning your journey as a PUA.
A really important post Ben, good stuff.
October 11th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
whoa, this was good, i see lots of guy b stuff in me. but now i can see the power of NLP and can see how easy it would be to change. also
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. The best thing about the past is that it’s over. The best thing about the future is that it’s yet to come. The best thing about the present is that it’s here now.”
this is great! now i want all the nlp knowledge i can get my hands on
October 11th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Nice post Ben,
I think this discussion returns to the point of Why rather than How. As Richard mentions, most of the information available to the PUA is action orientated: if you do ’A’ then ’B’ will occur — all very cause and effect. However, what we really need to work on is what is below the surface; in this case why we are trying to achieve more skilful relationships with women.
Ben really got me thinking about my place in the community: for me it’s about the ’feeling’. I love the moment when you first break through another humans emotional barriers; the moment you feel truly close to another person. I’m motivated by a desire to push the boundaries of human interaction. On reflection, this is why I prefer day game: I enjoy putting myself in a new space — a new interactive situation.
From my own observations I have found that the vast majority of PUA’s just do it for the satisfaction and the feeling of acceptance. They quickly move from one woman to another in order to compensate for something that they feel is lacking in their lives. This is a shame as they will never discover this missing link: it cannot be caused, it is already inside of them. This is why using something like NLP can be so useful.
I will leave you with one last piece of advice that I think Ben’s article really moves towards:
“Know Your Motivations; Know Your Desires; Know Your Self”
Hope your having a good weekend guys,
Jonathan.
Ben: how about an article about how we can break negative thought patterns, for example: “girls will never like me”. It’s something I used to have trouble with; however, if there had been someone like you to guide my thinking I would have probably moved on from this negativity much faster.
October 13th, 2008 at 4:54 am
Thanks Ben, a lot of lessons to be learnt here. I think for guys with a mindset like guy B it can be looked at from another perspective:
The mind doesnt understand the negative term“I WONT feel lonely or anxious that people don’t like me”. The mind hears and believes LONELY, ANXIOUS, PEOPLE DONT LIKE ME is his reality.
So If he frames his answer in a positive light eg. “I will feel confident, happy, and people will like me” he is creating a better reality for himself, already feeling good about the direction he is taking, and a step closer to his goal.
Try and frame everything in a positive way for your own accelerated growth, but HBs are also magnetically attracted to positivity
Hope this helps someone.
Cheers,
Rich
October 13th, 2008 at 10:15 am
This stuff is the basis from which you can build up your game, no wait a better life. If you don’t have your goals sorted out than your life will bounce around and only sometimes something good comes out of it. When you focus and start working for a well formulated goal you will go in a more like straight line towards your goal. There will be better and more results.
Like ozyrich said (’So If he frames his answer in a positive light’) you will be able to have a positive inner self, you will be confident and you will be able to reach more in life. I read some stuff about inner self and this is what helped me the most up until now. I build a lot of confidence and have almost always a positive view on life, on my life.
Thanks Ben.
-Erik
Ps. do have question, but not topic related. I don’t know where to post this so I’ll just try here and if this is not the appropriated place then please say so. I want to build up game and need some tips on books. There are a lot of books but I need basic books with concrete information. Thanks in advance.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Man, you are a typical psychologist lol. I think people somtimes lose the ability to simplify things.
So in answer the original question, “Is it better to focus on the girl or on your own development as a pua?”
The answer HAS to be to focus on your own development, and the girl will come as a byproduct of your hard work. Simple cause and effect. Why does this answer hold true
If you focused more on the girl, and she left you via work, commitments abroad etc, you couldn’t get another girl because you haven’t developed yourself. YOU are the most important person in the relationship, you have the control! Develop yourself, value yourself, and women will respect that!
Although B is focusing more on what others think and not to make himself happy is wrong, he needs to work on that.
Noel