Hey guys
In the pick up community there is a lot of discuss about being alpha male, status and dominant behaviour. Some gurus say that women like bad boys and that we should be dominant at all times. Guys are really worried that if they are too submissive or equal to girls, that they will fall into the friends’ zone and will not be able to break out. But what if you are a naturally submissive person and you find it hard to be dominant. Are you banished to the friends’ zone forever?
Overall I have found that more dominant men are better with girls, but it is a blessing and a curse. Very dominant people tend to be dominant all the time with little room for flexibility. It is just as hard for a dominant person to become submissive as it is a submissive person to become dominant! Read that again. Altering your status regardless of it is up or down, moves you out of your comfort zone and is emotionally painful to do.
Within our family, social circles and work, we already have defined roles. When we have a defined role it, allows us to be that person and therefore be in the moment and spontaneous. At home you might be an older brother to a younger sister and take a dominating role, however at work you may be a junior and be subordinate to your co-workers. When in a role you no longer have to worry about what to say or do as it becomes natural.
The most influential people I know are those who are able to shift their role from dominant, to equal right through to subordinate. Instead of just being dominant all the time to get their way, they are much more flexible in their approach and as a result much more successful in achieving their outcomes. The main point of being flexible is to avoid resistance and allow persuasion to feel natural. The more flexible you are at shifting your status, the more advantage you have over others.
By knowing a little bit about human behaviour and psychology it can help us in our attempt to influence people. One key fundamental is that as humans we have a desire to be right as when we are wrong it lowers our status. For example I was at a party the other day and one guy was talking about a film he had been to see. He said how much he enjoyed it and how he really liked one particular actor, he went on to talk about another film the actor was in. The film the guy was talking about did not star that actor, I knew this but didn’t see any point in blocking him. However another guy who was is a total film buff there picked up on this, and tried to correct him on it. Both were dominant characters and neither one wanted to back down as being incorrect, so the film buff whipped out his iPhone and did a Google search. They found the page and he showed it to the first guy and looked proud in showing him up, this of course made everyone feel tense. The film buffs need to be right in the situation lead to everyone feeling uncomfortable and eventually disbanding our little group.
The above example happened because the film buff is a dominant character and finds it difficult to become subordinate or wrong. When he is wrong he is out of him comfort zone, much like a really nervous guy opening a 3 set of hot girls. He has blinding desire and need to be right, regardless to damage he may ensue during the process. I knew that the first guy was wrong about the film, however I did not see any need to correct him, instead I was more focused on raising his status by being interested in his story. As I am flexible in my status, I often higher the other person’s status as this creates a stronger bond between us. I can easily shift to being equal or dominant by changing my body language, eye contact, vocal tone and language.
In pick up and NLP the term rapport is often used. Often much is written about rapport but it is much understood concept. I believe that when people know their role in a situation, it is that relationship that creates rapport. There are lots of different rapport relationships for example; police and civilian, man and son, younger brother and older brother, teacher and student, even things like doctor and patient. When you are in strong rapport with someone and you are monitoring what that person is like (status, needs desires etc), then they become easily to influence. Knowing when to change status and how, are the two important components.
When in a conversation you should focus on what status the other person is presenting and then raising and lowering your own. A key tactic is the ability to raise the others persons status and you should only lower it in extreme circumstances. The gap between your status and the other persons should be minimal, if the gap is too large then the rapport can crumble under the strain.
I have used these techniques in a multitude of situations in order to achieve my outcome. When I first started experimenting with changing my status it felt very weird, however the results were fantastic. Because of my physical stature and skills I am able to shift my status quickly within a situation. I am 6’ 2” skinhead and can be very imposing, however I also have the ability to be very playful and submissive. I am constantly monitoring the status of the other person and deciding which way to take the interaction. By accessing different relationship roles, my actions, thoughts, posture, language and feelings flow naturally.
It is true that girls like alpha men, but they don’t have to be dominant all the time. By being flexible and raising the girls status when required, you achieve amazing outcomes. When I am approaching a girl I first of all observe what her status is (this is given away by her body language, how she is interacting with others, how she is dressed etc) I then choose a position to approach her from. If I am asking for directions then I would be slightly submissive, if I am giving a direct complement then I would be more dominant. If I went in to submissive or dominant, then I would either scare her or be too needy. By approaching in one status I can then easily change to get her number or take her for a coffee etc.
Here is a typical conversation with a girl and how I would adjust my own status and hers to achieve my outcome.
A meandering tourist is studying a map looking lost
I approach slightly high status asking if she needs help
I then lower my status to match hers as we look at the map together
I increase my status by pointing out where she needs to go
I lower my status and ask why she is going there
I increase her status by listening attentively and adding value to what she says
I then increase my status to match hers and talk about things to do in London
I lower my status by asking her where she is from
I increase her status by adding value to her answer
I increase my status by qualifying her on where she comes from or her reason for being here
I then increase my status by saying I want to go for a coffee and tell her she should join me
All the time I am monitoring her reactions to my change in status. I learn how far to take it both ways in order for her to feel comfortable. If I become too dominant she may become defensive, if I becomes too submissive she won’t follow my lead.
This is just a short example of how to increase and lower your status to allow for a smooth interaction. if I went in super confident and high status, then I wouldn’t be able to get the kind of information out of her that I wanted. By lowering my status when asking a question, it increases her status so she gives a full answer. If I asked questions in a dominant position then it would be more like an interview. If I asked her to go for a coffee from a submissive point of view then I would have looked needy. The method of shifting status up and down between two people is often referred to the see saw effect, and it creates very strong rapport. Having the ability to be subordinate, equal and dominant within an interaction increases your likelihood of success.
By being aware of your status within an interaction gives you great frame control and inner game. Instead of focusing on what to say and do, focus on your status and allow the words to come naturally. This sounds weird but when you already have a relationship with someone, do you need to know what you are always going to say all the time? No it happens naturally.
To get good at this you first should go out and observe how other people interact with others and with yourself. Look at how people change their status and the reaction it has on you and others. Then start to experiment by changing your status. This will probably feel very weird at first, this means you are doing it right. Start to see how people react to you differently when you lower or higher your status, and also higher theirs.
All the time I focus on avoiding resistance, but what happens when someone says something I know is incorrect and I foresee a problem arising if it is not addressed? A good example is the other week I was going to meet a female friend of mine to see a film. She is someone who is very dominant and always has to be right about things. She said she had booked the tickets and the film started at 8pm. I had been online before we spoke and I saw that it started at 7pm. I could have just said that it started at 7pm in a dominant way, but this would have lowered her status and possibly cause an argument. So instead I plant seeds of doubt and say “8pm” in a slightly submissive questioning tone. She then checked the tickets and said “no it’s 7pm, I read the wrong bit”. To increase her status again (as I know she likes to be dominant however I remain in control) I lower mine by saying “the print on those new cinema tickets are really hard to read, I am often late for films”. We then become equal because we both start talking about the way they print tickets.
Above I used the technique of planting seeds of doubt, I was first introduced to this by an FBI interrogator who was a client of mine. Interrogation is all about developing a relationship and rapport to get people to open up. To do this you need to constantly change status and method (think good cop, bad cop). He said that to avoid arguments instead of confronting people about their mistakes, simply repeat what they said to you in a questioning tone. This simple act makes people think about what they said but in a non defensive way.
From this take the following. When you are with a girl know when to raise your status and lead, when to have equal status to build comfort, and when to lower your status to just shut up and listen! Let go of the need to be right, embrace the emotional discomfort of shifting your own status and allow yourself to be in the roles where actions and behaviours are natural.
Hypnomatt (Matt Kendall)
