Hey guys
Before I start on the post I want to say a massive thank you to all of those who comment, tweet/facebook share and email me. Every day I get several emails from people all over the World who contact me about my posts. It is very humbling and I am glad that you are getting use from them.
OK so today’s post is about long term relationships and specifically what to do when you come out of them. A large proportion of the clients I work with are in this very situation. They have come out of a long term relationship or have even been married. For the last several years they have spent the majority of their time with their partner and now that bubble has burst. What are they left with? How do they go about rebuilding their life?
I know guys find out about Game through a variety of reasons and everyone has their own personal goals. A very common thing I find with guys who have come out of a LTR is that they now want to play “catch up” and have multiple partners or just sleep around. In order to do this they have gone on a bootcamp or read loads of materials and are now out there applying this stuff. A lot of people also move backwards, i.e. they contact all their old friends who they lost contact with whilst being in the relationship.
I am all about relationships and finding someone who you are really happy with. I like to think that I teach “girlfriend game” if there is such a thing, rather than constantly going out night after night trying to close girls. I personally think being with a girl who you really like, respect and want to be with is worth a hundred girls who you close in crap hole night clubs. I also would not want to be in a relationship with a girl who I kissed within hours of meeting her.
When you come out of a LTR it is time to take stock of your life. When you are with a partner for a significant amount of time them your whole life tends to revolve around them to some degree. Your social life and all your free time is usually spent with this person, so when they are gone you suddenly have a lot of free time on your hands. Many guys decide to hide from reality and take solace in computer games, drinking, drugs or other dangerous activities. Being alone can be a painful experience and people will do a range of activates to distract themselves from it. These activities are usually harmful and add to the problem over time.
So you are out of the LTR, she has moved out and you are left alone. When you try calling your old friends, who you have ignored for years, they all seem to be married off and not really up for going out to game. Your social life is now defunct as you spent most of your time with her and with people that you knew together as a couple. You look in the mirror and looking back at you is a badly dressed, un-kept and overweight version of yourself. How did you get to this state and what you can you possibly do now? Well before you crack open the whisky and sleeping tablets, let’s explore a few possibilities.
From doing my job I get to work with a fantastic amount of people from all walks of life. The information
I am going to share with you is just what I have learned from over the years from working with such a variety of people. This is what I have found to give the best results overall if hopefully you can start to apply some of the principals.
Tip 1 – Move forward not backwards
When you come out of a LTR it is very tempting to move backwards in life. People want what they have missed out on or what they once had. If you used to go out clubbing every weekend and do a range of narcotics before you settled down, then people often crave for their old lifestyle. This lifestyle may have been fine when you were in your 20’s doing a job you didn’t really care about, but when you are in your 30’s and 40’s with a mortgage and other commitments (kids etc) then this is not very sensible.
My advice is instead of looking back in life is to look forward. Instead of calling all your old friends, start to make new ones who you are going to have things in common with now, not things you had in common 10 years ago. There are always people who are in your situation now who you will have more in common with, you just need to find them.
Tip 2 – Start to design your own social life
I find that a lot of people design their social life in order to meet a partner. Once they find their partner and settle down, then they stop going out and having as much interaction with people outside of their relationship. Instead of having a variety of friends and activities, they do everything with their partner, from meals out, cinema through to the endless nights of sitting in watching TV. This is putting all your eggs in one basket, or a having a single point of failure in business strategy terms.
If you look at what your social life is now, does it have much substance? By this I mean do you just go out to pubs and clubs (usually to do game etc) with the same people, or do you do a variety of activities where you meet new people all the time? Ask yourself this question, when you meet someone you really like how much will your life change?
I have found that those who are in the most successful relationships are those who are relatively independent. When I am in a relationship my life does not change all that much, of course this is always compromise but I always have my own activities and interests that I pursue regardless of if I am in a relationship or not. I am a firm believer in quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with a partner. I would rather see my girlfriend 3 times a week when we do interesting things, rather than sit in every night watching the TV.
When I work with clients I advise them to investigate 3 main activities; physical, creative and giving back.
Physical
I always tell people to have some sort of physical activity in their life. Going to the gym is OK, but again it is one of those things people do until they get a girlfriend. I much prefer it when people do a regular weekly activity especially when it is a team sport. It is never too late to take up any sport and you are practically guaranteed to make new friends through it.
Creative
We often neglect our creative side the older we get. Instead of learning fascinating new things we spend countless hours in front of the TV or playing video games. I think there is a time and a place for these activities, but they should be limited.
When you do a more creative activity then it uses different parts of your brain and makes you feel more complete. Again it also will get you interacting with a variety of new people who you have shared rapport with. I am going to do a weekend cooking course just for the sake of it, I am also thinking about doing a massage course too. I began to learn NLP and Hypnosis purely as a hobby, now it is my living.
Think about things you want to do such as photography, music, arts, acting, starting a small business and a whole range of other things. It is really easy to find courses and activities on the internet. I use something called www.meetup.com which is fantastic for meeting new people. It is like Facebook but it is focused towards real life meet ups rather than online networking. Whatever you want to learn about or do, it is likely other people are also doing it already.
Giving back
By being involved in something were you give back to a wider audience, it is not fun and interesting but it helps enormously with self esteem. When I used to live in Manchester I used run a business networking group called “Brookfield Networking”. Each month I would host this free event with up to 100 people in attendance. It was an amazing experience and I got to meet literally hundreds of people. Off the back of these events I was invited to speak at a range of other events in Manchester and got really involved with the small business and entrepreneur scene.
How can you use your time and talents to give back to a wider audience? Now I am here in London I have organised a few free talks about anxiety and stress. Next year this is something I am going to do more of and move it to central London so more people can attend. I gave a talk the other week near where I live in Highgate, after I took 25 people to the local pub! Good times.
There are volunteer opportunities always available, you just need to look. Think about how you can offer something and what you have some sort of passion for. A lot of people involve charity work as they, or a family member, have often been touch by something like cancer. Getting involved in projects with a common goal really helps you to build solid new connections with people and gives you a fulfilling life.
Tip 3 – Invest in yourself
Would you date yourself? This was a brilliant question raised by one of our former trainers. If you are not willing to invest in yourself, how can you expect others to do so?
A good way to invest in yourself is having a style make over and buying a new collection of clothes. Start to get rid of old tatty clothes and start to bring in much more fitted and fashionable threads. Also start to invest in your own development, this can include courses, bootcamps and alike.
I always like to treat myself to nice things and I always invest in my therapy training. I don’t wait until I need to take action, I always like to be pre-emptive. The more you invest in yourself, the higher your value. Start to do things you enjoy (finances permitting) and enrich your life with new experiences. By investing in yourself you become more attractive to others and it helps improve self esteem.
Tip 4 – Hit the gym
Hitting the gym or taking up any physical form of exercise is beneficial in several ways. Firstly by improving your physical self it has a strong psychological impact on how you feel. Exercise helps to promote the flow of serotonin in the brain (the feel good chemical) as well as improving physical shape, which makes you feel better about yourself.
Exercise also helps to clear your head. Emotional problems tend to be a right hemisphere activity and people often get lost in thought. When you are physically moving then it uses more of your brain so less focus is given to these issues. It also forces the brain to think differently if your mind should focus on your problems. The more internal you become with your emotional issues, the less you move. One of the best ways to get your brain moving again is to physically move your body. I will write an in-depth blog all about these in the near future.
Tip 5 – Spend time with other people, do not be alone.
Try not to be alone. Spend time with other people rather than sit at home alone. The more time you spend alone the more you think about your problems. Thinking about problems rarely has any positive impact and isolates you from the outside world.
By getting out there and spending more time with new people, it will also open up new opportunities and you will probably find someone who is much better for you anyway. I know it is very tempting to sit alone in your pit of despair and think about how bad things are, but get yourself out with new people and avoid being isolated. The longer you spend isolated and alone, the more depressed you become. The more depressed you become the more you reply on distraction activities (smoking, drinking, tv etc) the harder it is to then make changes and meet other people.
Conclusion
Work on yourself! Establish a life that you like living and where you are out with different groups of people on a weekly basis. The activities you do and the people you spend time with should not be dictated by weather you are in a relationship or not.
Your lifestyle and social activities should be something you do to welcome partners into, not something you do to attract someone then completely change who you are.
The question I always get clients to ask is “would you date yourself?”. If you don’t want to date yourself, then how can you expect others to do so?
I hope that this article helps and you can start to apply some of the tips. As usual please leave comments and tweet/facebook it with the button above.
Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)
p.s. alternatively you can buy lots of self help books and visualise a new exciting future. Without having to put any time or effort into the process you can simply change your “mindset” and use the “Law of Attraction” to manifest your new life. I don’t see how this could possibly fail ;)
