Despite being on vacation, Anthony P.’s finely honed gaming instinct kicked into action when he noticed this unusual looking HB8.5
Anthony P. throws in a time-constraint but gets backturned
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It’s not surprising that quite a few of our students live at home with their mums since living at home with your mum is quite a nice thing to do in this cruel, harsh world of ours, because at home with your mum you’re the handsomest, cleverest, wittiest man in the world. Out in that cruel, harsh world we PUAs call “the field”, we’re almost certainly not the handsomest, cleverest, wittiest man in the world, but luckily we have this thing called social protocol which discourages people we meet from pointing this out to us – at least not explicitly. Girls in particular like to point these things out implicitly because they hate having to spell things out, so after a couple of nicely implicitised suggestions that you’re not the handsomest, cleverest, wittiest man in the world her next best option in this nice, socially protocolised world of ours is to “need to go to the toilet” (toilets, at least as far as girls are concerned, were invented to smooth the path of the social protocol as much as for any more biological function).
So where does this leave the 99.99% of us who aren’t the handsomest, cleverest, wittiest men in this nasty, cruel, harsh world of ours? Well, actually we’re no worse off than the 0.01% of us who are the handsomest, cleverest, wittiest men in the world, as all we have to do is to acknoweldge the fact that we aren’t and proceed to the next step. So next time you approach the hottest girl in the club and she looks at you as if you’re the ugliest, stupidest, most boring man in the world just look at her as if to say that the only thing uglier, more stupid, and more boring than your face is the couple of seconds she’s taken out from her life to make such an ugly, boring, and stupid observation since in actual fact there’s nothing about a man’s looks, intelligence, or wit that makes the slightest bit of difference when it comes to a man’s p$%^s sliding into a girl’s va$%^a. And as for all the guys who go out hoping to impress girls with their looks, intelligence, and wit – well, maybe they’re hoping to meet one just like their mum.
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The protocolisation of social contact is so insidious that almost all of the participants in the protocols that make up everyday life are unaware that they are communicating not directly from their person but by means of a protocol they have become conditioned to over the years. So far gone is their natural social instinct that they have to be taught the natural social instinct – how to “pick up” girls – as if it were itself another protocol.
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What is the art of pick-up? The art, for me, is in the meaningful encounter and the meaning to the encounter which the pick-up artist infuses through his art, meaning being so devoid from the everyday encounter which permeates and harrasses our day-to-day existence. And just as the meaning is in the encounter, the pick-up artist never dwells in the moment he has created, however fantastic it may be, but moves dutifully onto the next encounter, seeking the same meaning from nothing that he infused into the previous encounter, because his art lies in his finesse, and without his finesse his art is no more than the everyday.
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Approach Anxiety (AA) is heavily covered in the Pick-Up literature, but less documented is the sister phenomenon of Escalation Anxiety. Escalation Anxiety is in play whenever a student complains of trouble “building sexual tension”, “getting attraction”, or even “running out of things to say”. Crudely speaking, all pick-up problems beyond the approach itself are a form of Escalation Anxiety, since the approach itself should be the first step in the escalation between a man and a woman towards s@x. With this model in mind, there should never be a question about what to do next in a pick-up.
I wanted to introduce in this piece what I feel is an interesting categorisation of pick-up styles based on these two types of anxiety. At the outset, anxiety in one of the two categories is disabling to the pick-up effort:
Approach & Escalation: AFC
Approach only: Sleazy guy
Escalation only: Gay best friend (GBF)
As a student becomes proficient in pick-up, often one of the two types of anxiety remains in the background although it is overcome sufficiently for the student to become successful with women. The legacy anxiety dictates his style:
Approach: Direct, typically 5-minute makeouts, same night lays (SNL)
Escalation: Indirect, favours social circle game, day 2s.
Obviously, most of us are something of a mixture of the two but it’s interesting to observe how one’s initial anxieties determine one’s eventual style.
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In my post The natural art of communication I described this art as interaction with another human being at the level of meaning. One way of thinking about meaning is in terms of relevance. A meaningful communication is relevant both to its initiator and its recipient. For many guys starting out in pick-up, their fundamental problem is that they are just not relevant – in a sexual way – to the girls they interact with. What pick-up teaches a guy initially is how to say things which are relevant to a girl. Because these things are modelled from men who are attractive to women – which the beginner guy is not yet – they are relevant to the girl, but not relevant to the guy – in other words they are not truthful representations of who he is. The idea is that over time, the guy gradually aligns himself with the HB-relevant things he is saying until they are relevant (truthful) also to him – problem solved. For many guys starting out this is exactly their expectation: they learn attractive things to say to a girl and then through a feedback mechanism they just become attractive themselves.
So where’s the flaw? Why do I hear things like “Game will get you as many girls as you want, but it will never make you happy?” and why do I see smart, successful PUAs out of the blue erasing their entire archive of posts and denouncing pick-up as the work of Satan? I believe the error is in supposing that human interaction can be modelled as a finite set of possibilities. It’s an easy error to make – rather than actually learning to understand what a girl means, you instead learn a winning strategy – a sequence of moves that gets you from A to B in any circumstance. But there are no winning strategies for infinite possibilities, so the model is necessarily an approximation. That means you use a generic model to get a generic girl, and you end up having a generic relationship or generic one-night stand with her. The lingering unhappiness in some of the most prolific PUAs is that in denying the possibility of a girl’s uniqueness, they also deny their own uniqueness; their life ceases to have any relevance to them.
Before I close, I wanted to add a short coda on how this discussion relates to the cult of teacher in the pick-up community. The old proverb goes that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day but if you teach him how to fish you feed him for a lifetime. Guys who come into the pick-up community are like starving cats hungry for a fish; and there are plenty of teachers out there who’ll give them a fish, and then upon the release of their next product give them another fish, and so on. And the students will keep on coming back for more, because they’re hungry, and because it’s in the teacher’s interests to keep them hungry. But when he’s no longer able to feed them, or when another teacher somewhere else offers a tastier fish, they move on and in some cases renounce him, and rightly so because he’s been deceiving them. For me, the best teachers are the ones who teach you that they have nothing to teach you because you already know everything there is to know, and for that you might actually like them.
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Game is a specialised set of communication skills toward the purpose of picking up women. Outside of the pick-up community, discrete units of effective and repeatable communication in this domain are known as (chat-up) lines, whilst entrants to the community proceed directly to the more sophisticated monologues and dialogues known as routines. After a while, many guys tire of routines and look for a more seamless way of getting laid. At this point they are pointed in the direction of so-called “naturals” and are urged to observe and copy many of their attributes – their clothes, their lifestyles, their attitudes, their gym memberships. These attributes are basically macro-routines, again effective at picking up women, with the added advantage of feeling more natural. Guys who are able to adopt these routines are usually pretty successful with women, wear great clothes, and have enviable lifestyles – and this is the natural endpoint on most students of the pick-up arts’ paths.
So is there anything beyond this endpoint, something which separates pick-up as an art from pick-up as a toolset for success with women; is there something in the venusian arts which parallels the spiritual dimension of the martial arts? In order to answer this question, we need to consider for a moment the fundamental problem of communication, and what constitutes skill in its domain. In a communication, there are two participants – let’s say a PUA and a HB. The PUA communicates his meaning – or his intent – by means of a symbol – perhaps an action, or some spoken words – which in turn has its meaning (intent) interpreted by the HB in order to determine what response (action) she should take. Let’s view that diagramatically:
Meaning (intent) –> action –> meaning (interpretation) -> action
The PUA’s intent is the meaning he would like the HB to interpret. Her actual interpretation may not match his intent. For example, he may throw her a neg in order to cause her to respond with more attraction; but she may just think he’s an asshole and respond with less attraction. Errors of this sort are usually referred to in the pick-up literature as “miscallibration”.
Let’s flip things the other way around and have the HB initiate the communication. Here she says something like “I’m not going to sleep with you tonight”, where her meaning is in this case exactly the opposite. If the novice PUA interprets her words literally, his error stops this romance dead in its tracks. This is the fundamental problem of communication – that people don’t always mean what they say (or do), or say (do) what they mean.
Over time, however, people develop experience in a particular area of communication and more and more are able to say the right thing, and infer the right meaning. And this is what routines are for – they’re shrinkwrapped experience packaged for rapid progress in a specific area. But what if you’re unable to develop this experience – what if the mechanism for acquiring experience through the observation and participation in social situations is broken or dysfunctional in some way? And what if this failure is not a natural way of being but a product of the social and cultural environment in which we live? To be clear, I’m not talking about the guy who’s never even spoken to a woman, but moreso the guy who encounters women on a frequent and social basis but who is not able to enjoy the type of interaction with these women that he would like. Inadvertantly he has become an expert at the set of routines and behaviours necessary for not being successful with women. This may be because the set of routines necessary for being successful in business, or in the social domain which envelops his day-to-day affairs is quite contradictory to the set of routines necessary for being successful with women. Over-enthusiastic adopters of the routines germane to the pick-up domain often find that their success in other social settings suffers – this is what is known as “weird pick-up artist” syndrome.
So if the goal is to not replace one set of routines with another set and forever having to be swapping back and forth as appropriate, but to reignite the underlying ability for natural social observation and expression in any generalised environment, then how useful are the routines of pick up? This depends on whether a specific set or model encourages or discourages one’s natural social ability. On the one hand routines are described as the training wheels of pick up, stabilisers which support the bike whilst you learn how to ride on two wheels, and on the other hand people have described – and these are the ones who are self-aware enough to notice it in thesmelves – how routines have f@%ked them up and how they’ve had to go back and unlearn these programs in order to progress beyond a certain plateau. The art of communication, as it applies to pick-up or any conceivable social environment, is the ability to interact with another human being at the level of meaning, that is to interpret every action and to express every sentence without bias or preconception but purely on the basis of its meaning in that place and in that moment with that other person. The endpoint of pick-up for the pick-up artist should not be the number of girls he lays, or the enviableness of his social life, but the degree to which he has perfected his art of communication.
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S^x begins when a woman changes state from not attracted to attracted – a state change we colloquialize as “getting turned on”. It does not begin when a man changes state from not attracted to attracted (though it does occur when a man changes state from not attractive to attractive). A man’s arousal is a necessary but not sufficient condition for s^x. S^x can still occur in this circumstance, but this type of s^x is either prostitution if the man pays for it, or rape if he doesn’t.
After a woman changes state to attracted, a man must escalate immediately. If he doesn’t, the woman will quickly return to a state of not attracted and having made a mistake once, will not likely make it again. Escalation may need to be tempered with short periods of comfort although in optimal circumstances, escalation can – and should – lead to actual sexual intercourse within seconds, with comfort following after. Escalation does not need to be tempered with further attraction, because once escalation begins it has its own natural momentum. Attraction is like the spark of ignition, escalation the normal fuel-induced revolution of the motor.
Attraction itself is the subject of another post, although suffice to say a man who recognizes the natural process of attraction to s^x is naturally recognized as an attractive man by women.
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I’m down in Turkey at the moment with my girlfriend enjoying a few weeks away from the London hustle. This afternoon we went out by boat to a thermal spring and mudbath, and I was mildly surprised to notice that the boat captain was a 70-something year old PUA. When I first saw him my impression was that he was totally decrepit, but when I saw how he sat down with one of the female passengers I noticed immediately that he was a natural PUA. I got out my camera:
Is it comfort or attraction?
The most impressive thing about the captain was the quality of attention he paid the woman. I get a lot of students fretting over their story-telling skills, their routine stack, the 90/10 rule, voice projection and so on; I can’t emphasise enough to these guys that all these “qualities” can create a little bit of positive effect in a woman, but at the end of the day what really counts is the quality of attention a man pays her. And of course when a PUA is stuck in his head trying to remember the next line of his story or figuring out whether he’s in A2 or C3 that’s attention diverted inwards which is not being paid to the girl.
The boat captain’s attention was 100% fixed on the woman, his eyes were locked into hers, not in a creepy way, but in totally harmonious rapport. His entire body language conveyed genuine attention and concern for her happiness, well-being, needs and wants at that particular moment. Again, too many students are misfocused on questions like “Am I good-looking enough?” when what’s far more important is how good-looking he can make a woman feel. So when a man focuses his attention 100% on a woman, with sincerity and sensitivity, she feels like the most beautiful woman in the world and his presence becomes an irresistable part of her life.
And for those of you who are still wondering what I look like caked in mud, enjoy:
He came in from the swamp
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Hey dudes,
I just saw the video for Britney Spears’ Gimme More and I have to say that this is great – and more to the point, se%y – pop music. A lot of guys would call my taste in Britney Spears (and I’m not talking about her attempts at RnB, I’m referring specifically to her Madonna-type music) “gay”, and certainly her music is popular in the gay subculture, so let’s think about what’s going on here. The stated goal of most men entering the wonderful world of pick-up is to “get laid like a rockstar” (and by the way, getting laid like a rockstar doesn’t have to mean laying lots of girls – it can, or even should be with one girl, your girlfriend. Are you f%^king your girlfriend like a rockstar?) and the connection between rockstar and PUA is well-founded in my opinion in which I’ve always maintained that it’s not being a rockstar that makes a man se%y but it’s being se%y that makes a man a rockstar (in other words, a man naturally becomes a rockstar when his sexuality evolves beyond a certain threshold).
So what is it that Britney’s song evokes in me? I’d say it’s brim full of female sexuality, and we could summarise the entire learning curve in pick-up as a man’s attempt to embrace and incorporate female sexuality – without becoming female, or “gay”. In particular, Britney’s song expresses female sexuality as a standalone entity – not, say, as the “safe” adjunct to a dominant male sexuality which is characterised by RnB, but rather as an implacably sexual goddess – the Stripper – that can enslave the most alpha of males with a single glance, exactly the pedestalisation that novice pick-up artists are warned away from. But what else is a rockstar other than a man who can stand up straight in the face of this onslaught and not only not wither under its extreme sexual intensity but embrace and incorporate it – “give it more”? There aren’t many rockstars around these days, and this sort of music has been appropriated by the gay subculture simply because it’s not so hung up about its implications as is the average frustrated straight guy.
PS: Anyone fancy coming to the stripclub with me after that video? anthonyp@puatraining.com
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