Archive for the ‘Comfort’ Category

So, it’s a new year. Or, at least, it was a New Year. And we all had big expectations, resolutions, things we were going to do, people we were going to be. And then a few weeks in we miss a day at the gym, we sneak a cigarette, we fuck our ex. The same ex we promised the New Year god we’d never fuck again.

Resolutions fade. Work starts up again, unforeseeable events weasel their way into your life, the weather gets too cold, you oversleep, and all in all, life happens. It comes with the territory, but the important thing is to not let real life, daily grind, and normal human stuff come between the things you want to accomplish and your goals. And that’s what I’m writing you today about.

One of the biggest resolutions nearly every PUA makes in the new year is to practice more. In our heart of hearts, we all know the way to get better fast isn’t sitting in the warm light of a computer screen reading qualification articles and 5-step escalation ladders. It’s getting out there and talking to girls. It’s doing it. It’s building your own game, not reading about someone else’s.

But how do you do that when from 9-7 you’re working, and then you’ve got dinner plans and the only human interaction you have in the course of a day is with Tony the doorman and your barista? Well, it’s all about making the most out of the interactions you do have, and the time you can spend.

1: Practice Opening without Opening

At our bootcamps, we teach that the ideal way to start a conversation is a spontaneous, situational opener. This means that something you observe in that moment- whether it be something to do with her, someone else or the environment in general, and comment on it to your target. The difference between this and a lot of the stock openers people learn is that it has to be in the moment. It has to be current. And to do it quickly takes practice. It takes building the improvisational/observation muscles, so you can look at any situation and find something to talk about.

But what if you don’t have the time to stop and open every girl on your way to work? What if you can’t afford to open all the girls in your building? Luckily, you don’t have to actually say a word to build that muscle. What if you were to look at a girl and then in your mind decide what you would say, if you did open. Try looking at the girls who walk by you during the day and asking yourself “What would I say to open her?” This way, you don’t even have to pick the hot ones you’d actually want to talk to. You can use anyone- old women, teenagers, even guys- to get in the habit of quickly creating spontaneous openers, even when you can’t take the time to actually do it. So then, when the girl you do want to open walks by, you’ll already know exactly what to say.

2: Practice Building Commonalities with everyone

One of my favorite pieces of advice I ever heard from Adam was “Talk to people. Most people don’t actually talk to people.” It’s true, think of your day- the barista at Starbucks, the guy in the elevator who talks about the weather, the woman at the laundromat- people everywhere talk to you, all the time. And you probably nod and say some polite nothing phrase like “Yeah, gonna get colder tomorrow” or “Thanks, see you next week.” What a waste!

These are prime opportunities to practice comfort building. Some of the same stuff that you’d use throughout an interaction with the guy at the hardware store could be used just as well on the blonde ten at the bar. Where is he from? What does he do? What is his life like? Use these opportunities to enhance your conversational skills. Each time a person talks to you, whether it begins in the most obligatory, functional, or polite manner, try to find something that the two of you could, if you really wanted to, keep in touch over. You’ll soon find those little mini-practices give your game huge leaps forward when you’re actually in the field.

3: Hang out with girls you already know

Almost everyone has heard this advice, but very few people actually use it. Ironically, it’s probably one of the easiest ways to kick your game into high gear. You know girls. Even if you think you don’t know girls, you do. Your sister is a girl. Your ex-girlfriend is a girl. Your mom is even a girl. Just because a girl isn’t winging you, doesn’t mean she’s worthless to your game. Talk to her. Her interests, her perspective, her personality, are echoed throughout her entire gender. Women aren’t all the same, but a lot of them are strikingly similar.

First off, talking to girls is the quickest way to learn what women are interested in. When one girl tells you you have to check out the new Jenna Marbles video, or the new Sam Edelman’s she bought, you’re getting constantly new content for your next interactions. So when one girl in a two set gives you ‘The Face’ you’re in on the joke rather than walking away sheepishly. (and if you don’t get that, look up Jenna Marble’s ‘The Face’ so it doesn’t happen to you ;P)

Secondly, if you can hold your female friend’s attention, you need only replicate that in field. The constant calibration feedback you get from dealing with women is the reason why practice makes you good in the first place.

4: Practice.

If and when you can, practice. There’s no substitute quite as good as a good old fashioned cold approach. It’s clichéd for a reason that practice is the fastest way to get good. So do it when you can, sneak it in to your busy schedule, make it a part of your daily grind rather than inhibited by it. Just a half hour of real one on one conversation with a cold approach target and a night out on the weekend will keep you improving at a steady rate. Just don’t give up, because then next year’s resolutions will sound a hell of a lot like this year’s.

Everybody needs validation.There is no point in achieving without validation.What is validation? Validation is the notion of giving value to a particular quality.

Validation is about uncertainty. We need validation about things that we are not 100 % certain about. When we lack certainty, we look to others to guide us. Think about it; the things that we are certain of, we don’t need validation or evidence for.
We don’t need validation or proof that we are alive.
But for validation to occur, we have to have some certainty that it is true. That is the basis of compliments, and a large part of direct game.

For example,for those of you with a masochistic streak, try opening some fugly minger with “….I had to come meet you as I think you are really gorgeous, “ and watch as the interaction goes south. This is partly because, she would not have much certainty that the compliment was true and thus could not receive genuine validation from it. Also it is difficult to be congruent with the compliment.
Again, try giving the same compliment to the she-knows-she’s-smoking-hot chick who has squeezed herself into the two sizes too small low cut tee shirt with the miniskirt belt and perfect tights…..and gushing will ensue.This is because she probably has 90% certainty that the compliment is true and the extra 10% is the diamond validation that she needs.

Of course, in our social interactions we need to consider our own need for validation and that of others. We should not be seeking validation of course, but on some level we all receive some validation of sorts from the positive feedback of socialising. Think about what validates us. Anything from someone not walking away, to smiling back at us, to giving us their phone number, to having sex with us, is a form of validation. So it we don’t appreciate that we need validation, this kind of removes the point of an interaction.

The same goes for the recipient. By giving people validation, such as compliments, or empathic touch, we may encourage them to seek it from us, and often this comes in the form of qualification. By coming from a positon of giving value, a girl may qualify herself to us, attempting to impress us, so that we may give her validation back.

As a rule

VG>VT

The validation that you give (VG) should always be greater than the validation that you take (VT).
So if you validate everyone (VG), adding value to people’s lives, the net effect is that people will be drawn to you. It also has the effect that, your own need to take validation (VT) will begin to diminish. Try it. I guarantee it will improve your day, and ultimately, your results.

This creates yet another important effect. When people are drawn to you, others will become aware of this. This works on the biggest social uncertainty of all; the question of who hold the most social power. People are always looking to be drawn towards those with the highest social power or value, but they have perpetual uncertainty as to who this may be much of the time. However, this uncertainty is fulfilled when others give you attention and thus validation, as this creates the age old factor of influence…..Social Proof.

So by giving people validation, others become more drawn to you, creating social proof. This in turn, encourages others in the environment to seek validation from you.

And so it completes the circle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

If you need some inspiration, check this out.

Stay classy,

Shamwow.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept that commonalities create rapport. It is not simply commonalities that create rapport, but uncommon commonalities. If you meet someone in your town who grew up in that town, and you did too, then you have a commonality, but it won’t create that much rapport. However, if you find someone in Austin who also went to the same school from a small town in Germany, that is an uncommon commonality.

Even better than being uncommon, is having a commonality the stems from childhood. Sharing similar tastes in cartoons or something with someone will allow you and that other person to geek out in a way that’s special between the two of you. For instance, I happen to love Disney songs. One of my favorite soundtracks is the Little Mermaid soundtrack. When I tell girls that, a lot of times they feel the same way, and the connection between us is made deeper as we belt out “Under the Sea” together.

Now, singing songs from a red-headed mermaid in the middle of the club may not be something you’re willing to do, and I understand. The point is not to do something totally foreign. The point is to find something special, unique about you that will help women see what’s special about you, and you share with her. Maybe she wanted to be Princess Leia, and you’re all about Han Solo. Maybe she longed to be the pink Power Ranger, and you always wanted to be the Blue Ranger. Whatever it is, drop your defenses, let her in to the parts that are a little goofy, and special, and she’ll be thinking about you long after you’ve gotten her number.

If you don’t have anything flowing to your mind that comes from your childhood, you can also create a strong connection just by the passion with which you do something. If you find someone who shares a passion in Crav Maga with you, then you guys can talk about proper heel-palm strikes.

The sad truth is that a lot of people lack passion in their life. They work, eat, go home, watch TV, and go to sleep. If you have something in you’re life that you’re passionate about, you already stand out. People are drawn to passion, like a moth to flame, so talk about it. If you get known as “the guy who does xyz,” then people who share that passion, or are at least curious, will find their way into your life, and you’ll find a connection happening almost instantly. If you can instill that passion in another, that’s even better, because then you have rapport, and a clear demonstration of excellence. She’ll feel attracted as well as safe with you.

So go and find your passion, and get to know people to find their’s. Find the uncommon commonalities, and you’re sure to find your love life skyrocketing!