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Jun
17

The Circle of Validation

Leave a Comment (2) » | Posted in Comfort, Communication & NLP, General |
Shamwow
Author:
As one of the oldest trainers, Shamwow got into game relatively late. Having been to university and come out the other side, running his own business, Shamwow had variable but not consistent success with women, generally “going with the flow” and playing the numbers game. He largely followed the route of his peers settling into long term relationships but never really found the kind of dating success he always dreamed of. Through his work, Shamwow studied several aspects of social psychology and was keen to use this for his own self development and social skills. This naturally led to him building a high value lifestyle. And then he focused on his gaming skills. One steep learning curve later, led to Project Las Vegas where Adam Lyons declared him “The King of Vegas.” He became known as the purveyor of the Crazy Adventure and his high energy style draws women in to his world to give them an unforgettable experience. Shamwow has proven that it is possible to hold a high powered career as well as live a rock’n roll lifestyle.

Everybody needs validation.There is no point in achieving without validation.What is validation? Validation is the notion of giving value to a particular quality.

Validation is about uncertainty. We need validation about things that we are not 100 % certain about. When we lack certainty, we look to others to guide us. Think about it; the things that we are certain of, we don’t need validation or evidence for.
We don’t need validation or proof that we are alive.
But for validation to occur, we have to have some certainty that it is true. That is the basis of compliments, and a large part of direct game.

For example,for those of you with a masochistic streak, try opening some fugly minger with “….I had to come meet you as I think you are really gorgeous, “ and watch as the interaction goes south. This is partly because, she would not have much certainty that the compliment was true and thus could not receive genuine validation from it. Also it is difficult to be congruent with the compliment.
Again, try giving the same compliment to the she-knows-she’s-smoking-hot chick who has squeezed herself into the two sizes too small low cut tee shirt with the miniskirt belt and perfect tights…..and gushing will ensue.This is because she probably has 90% certainty that the compliment is true and the extra 10% is the diamond validation that she needs.

Of course, in our social interactions we need to consider our own need for validation and that of others. We should not be seeking validation of course, but on some level we all receive some validation of sorts from the positive feedback of socialising. Think about what validates us. Anything from someone not walking away, to smiling back at us, to giving us their phone number, to having sex with us, is a form of validation. So it we don’t appreciate that we need validation, this kind of removes the point of an interaction.

The same goes for the recipient. By giving people validation, such as compliments, or empathic touch, we may encourage them to seek it from us, and often this comes in the form of qualification. By coming from a positon of giving value, a girl may qualify herself to us, attempting to impress us, so that we may give her validation back.

As a rule

VG>VT

The validation that you give (VG) should always be greater than the validation that you take (VT).
So if you validate everyone (VG), adding value to people’s lives, the net effect is that people will be drawn to you. It also has the effect that, your own need to take validation (VT) will begin to diminish. Try it. I guarantee it will improve your day, and ultimately, your results.

This creates yet another important effect. When people are drawn to you, others will become aware of this. This works on the biggest social uncertainty of all; the question of who hold the most social power. People are always looking to be drawn towards those with the highest social power or value, but they have perpetual uncertainty as to who this may be much of the time. However, this uncertainty is fulfilled when others give you attention and thus validation, as this creates the age old factor of influence…..Social Proof.

So by giving people validation, others become more drawn to you, creating social proof. This in turn, encourages others in the environment to seek validation from you.

And so it completes the circle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

If you need some inspiration, check this out.

Stay classy,

Shamwow.

Jun
6

Humor

Leave a Comment (3) » | Posted in Attraction, Communication & NLP, General, Outer Game |
The Braeden
Author:

Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

-Henry Kissinger

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

-Marilyn Monroe

Humor, what causes laughter, and how to be funny is the subject of countless books and articles.  All of the ones I’ve read are wrong.  Either they point to the wrong thing, or they say no one knows, or no one CAN know.  Maybe, but here’s my hypothesis.  Be warned, it’s a frame control addicts excuse to go truly rabid.

People laugh to disperse tension, this is the function of laughter.  There are other things that can relieve tension, such as sex or violence.  If tension is NOT dispersed, awkwardness ensues.

I think of awkwardness as the feeling people get when they are forced into an uncommonly limited set of responses.  Specifically a set of responses which do not include a choice that releases tension.  Thus when a really polite guy tells a girl he just met he likes her, it’s awkward, while when I tell a girl I just met I want to put a baby in her, it’s not.  In the first case, she HAS to be nice, she’s FORCED to give a polite negative response she doesn’t have an autopilot pattern for. In the second case, she can tell me to fuck off, act like it’s a joke, act like I’m serious, laugh, ect.  Awkwardness is being boxed in.

Laughter is what happens when something unexpected occurs that must be addressed, and the group decides to release the tension rather than let it manifest as awkwardness. Why isn’t this done all the time? Because laughter is a temporary loss of control.  (Keep in mind this is all a subconscious process.)

When someone says something unexpected, observers ping for the perceived social value differential between their current imprint and that of the person who has just spoken.  If the person delivering the joke has more PSV (perceived social value,) or has established enough comfort, the observer releases tension by laughing. If not, they maintain tension, and awkwardness ensues.

Some things, such as applications of the absurd, clever uses of language, and magic, cause a sort of glitch in the brain. Laughter results, but it is STILL a release of tension, and it is STILL caused by something unexpected being observed.

The advantage though, is that the PVD (perceived value differential) is far less important because it is not the man, but the material, “making” them laugh.  There is still a strong correlation, however, as David Blaine and Conan O’Brian, who have monstrous PSV, will get far better reactions with the same material and delivery than someone without such high PSV.

This explains both why the guy at the top of the social circle gets the most laughs, often for things that are not funny, and also why most people aren’t funny at all. Because they have been conditioned NOT to say things that deviate very far from what is expected. The more unexpected the statement, the more potentially funny; and the more potentially awkward.

How do we learn to BE funny?
Same way we learn to BE naturally attractive.
By eliminating the Ego, learning to be 100% expressive, making a habit of saying whatever pops into our heads, and not hanging around people who will condition us to avoid such behaviors.
This is an instance where your old friends who see themselves and you as “normal” will really stunt growth, as they will impose limiting beliefs on you and punish you for acting outside the box they have constructed for you.

The easiest way to start is something I learned from Russell Brand.
Substitute an uncommonly used word or phrase for a commonly used one.
People are always constructing an expectation about what’s about to happen.
When you foil that expectation, tension is created.

Example:
(You’re at starbucks ordering coffee)
“Hello, I’m thirsty, I’d like a latte.”
Vs
“Hello, I’m thirsty, I’d like some sort of caffeinated libation.”

The first request is utterly predictable, the second often elicits a smile or giggle, simply because it breaks the pattern of boredom and predictability that permeates the poor barista’s existence.
This is unlikely to make a girl crack up, but it’s also unlikely to cause her to be rude, or to hold the tension and create awkwardness either.

On the other hand:
“Hey, you had such a nice body I had to come over here and see what your personality was like.”
Vs
“Hey, you had such a nice personality I had to come over here and see what your body is like.”

The first is just kinda sleezy, the second, which is unexpected and satirical, has a lot more upside, but can result in a much rougher response if the girl does not feel you are “good enough” to act that way.  (Keep in mind this isn’t a conscious process of assessment, people aren’t generally aware that they will applaud behavior in some people and condemn the same behaviors in others.)

When studying breaking rapport, you’re essentially studying ways to exhibit unpredictable behavior. Rapport is a feeling of understanding the other person, so what is not expected by definition breaks rapport. The more outlandish the break, the more attraction it will inspire; but the more value or comfort you must have for the girl to be willing to laugh and disperse the tension. The smaller the break, the less tension is creates, and the more likely a woman will be to relieve that tension. The less attraction or compliance you have once the woman assesses you, the smaller the breaks you must use to ensure her natural response is to relieve tension rather than hold it and create awkwardness. If the tension you create is suitably small, it will be socially unintelligent of her not to relieve it. (Keep in mind there are two sides to this: her laughter response is not conscious, while her compliance response is.)

Everyone sees patterns, that’s how the brain functions.  Anything that defies expectation breaks the anticipated patten and creates tension.  Tension must be released to avoid awkwardness.  Laughter is the easiest way to release tension.  A man who can inspire laughter is a man who can control the people around him.

Till next time guys,
If you don’t know what to say, just say something.
Love ya!
-The Braeden

 

May
27

Hook!

Leave a Comment (9) » | Posted in Attraction, Communication & NLP, General, Openers & Routines, Outer Game |
The Braeden
Author:

Curiosity is as much the parent of attention, as attention is of memory.

-Richard Whately

 

 

Some of you may find opening frustrating, I’ve included an old article from my journal that helped me a while back, and will provide context for a discussion on hooking:

“On opening:
This has been driving me mad.
I have been getting blown off SO much while opening.  I’ve been trying to avoid super direct or overly breaking rapport openers in the interest of building comfort first.  It’s not working and it’s making me crazy.  MUCH thinking and field testing has led me to something I’m calling…
Bum Theory.
Hot girls get hit on constantly.
And just like people dismiss bums and don’t think of them as human, hot girls treat guys of lower perceived social value the same way.  Indirect game teaches that to avoid this, you don’t let her know you are hitting on her.
BUT…
Hot girls ALWAYS assume guys of lower PSV (perceived social value) are hitting on them.
As long as a girl does not decide she WON’T sleep with you, you are fine; the point of indirect game is to prevent her from making that decision.
BUT…
If your perceived social value isn’t high enough, they immediately make the assumption you want them, realize they find you repugnant; and blow you off as though you are garbage rather than a human being.
Thus defeating the purpose of indirect game.
So how can we get around getting blow off like a bum?
The same way bums do.
As I see it, there are two circumstances in which a bum can cause people to perceive him as human.  The first is to be an empathy inducing bum archetype, the Santa Cllaus bum or the Morgan Freeman bum, basically the bum equivalent of having high enough perceived social value that you are the exception to the rule.  The second is to stand out.  To be differentiated from the heard.  The easiest way to do this is to bring value.  To make people laugh, for example.

In any situation, the best openers are the ones that hit that particular situation’s “sweet spot.”
They are intense enough to pull every one’s attention to them and be more interesting than anything else that’s going on; but they are close enough to the intensity level of the situation that they don’t make you seem socially awkward to the people you are delivering them to. “

Once I figured out how to hook, I wrote up how it worked, hope it helps some of you:

Some people have enough PSV that everyone is just nice to them.  They start out getting some of the six behaviors girls give guy who are not yet perceived as human. Who they view as beneath them.  For other guys, the set must be unlocked.  This is what most people refer to as the hook point.

The hook point is where the girl relaxes, it’s also where she becomes willing to invest.

Before this point, any attempt to “pass her the ball,” to ask for contribution or investment, will result in the girl acting cold and disinterested.  Before the set is unlocked, she will avert eye contact, use breaking rapport tonality, give one word answers, ect.  And doing things such as asking open ended questions will actually exacerbate the situation, creating negative investment as the girl exerts energy to minimize interacting with you.

To hit the hook point and “unlock” the set or the girl, you must do something that differentiates you enough to make her interested in having an interaction with you.  Being very attractive allows you to do this simply by walking up. Fame has the same effect.  Let’s assume you have lower PSV.

There are two ways I know of to hook.

One is to deliver a very well calibrated “opener,” a single phrase, sentence, or question that has an intensity level that meshes with the sets current intensity level (reality) and brings value.
For two girls having a quiet conversation in a bar, a current event might be enough, for girls doing shots at a club something much harsher or provocative might be necessary.

If the opener isn’t intense enough, it’s value taking, and they will eschew your company.
If the opener is too intense, it will be outside their reality, and you’ll get the same result.

Going too far tends to be better, as getting blown out takes far less time than wasting time with girls who will sit politely but have no interest. Girls like this can waste literally hours, and often they have no interest even in being friends.

The other way is to draw the set into your rhythm.
Be the music.
To do this you need to talk for long enough that you sub-communicate various things such as being self amusing, being non needy, being chill, and ideally some level of irreverence to prepare them for leading and escalation.

Walking up with a single line is like a teaser for a movie, walking up and spewing a paragraph without ever waiting for a response or asking for investment is like seeing a trailer.

An example:
Bad: Hey, this place seems hopping, is it a good place to go on a friday night?

Why it’s bad: you’re walking up and taking value, immediately asking for investment.

Good: Hey, this place seems hopping, is it a good place to go on a Friday night? I’m not sure if you noticed but I’m not from around here, I’m actually from Australia, but I’m in town and I thought I’d go out and explore the New York City nightlife. People seem very friendly here. You guys seem cool, tell me tell me what you think about this conversation I’ve been having with a friend.  By buddy Sam is a doctor, and he’s been dating this girl. She wants to be his girlfriend, and he likes her a lot… but his social circle is very affluent, and she works at waffle house. Do you guys think it’s ok to be shallow like that?

Why it’s good: you have the time to show your personality. How you talk, how you move, your face and eyes, your rhythm and your un-reactiveness. You’re also bringing value by asking about something interesting and by virtue of your expressiveness and ability to vibe.

This draws some sharp parallels to old school canned game.
Even then, material was supposed to function as training wheels, and was largely present to get guys past the hook point so they could have a “real” interaction.
When the transition to “natural” game took place, one of the principles that was lost was how to hook.
Transitions were suggested, but the issue was that students would learn a structure and an interaction would look like this:

Open/wait for response
Transition/wait for response
Opinion opener/wait for response
Request for commonalities/wait for response

And this was considered ideal.
What normally happened was:
Open/girls stare blankly
Transition/girls communicate awkwardness
OO/girls call you out for being “one of those guys”
Request commonalities/ girls say they don’t “do” anything

What’s the underlying issue?
In Adam’s formula, A=(C-R)+Q+SE, you cannot begin making headway until the girl is willing to invest in the interaction.
If you ask for investment before this point (the hook point) the girl simply refuses.
If you try and build commonalities she won’t give you anything, and if you try to break rapport she just uses it as an excuse to walk away.

What allows you to actually utilize the formula?  The ability to hook a set.  To build just enough curiosity that the girl is willing to act treat you like a person, rather than a non entity or someone she wants to get away from.  In fact, asking questions before the girl wants to talk to you can have the opposite effect of asking them after she is interested.  I call this negative investment.
Negative investment is where a girls distaste for you is exacerbated by you asking for investment from her. It creates space between her opinion of you and her opinion of people she doesn’t know. You’re getting further and further away from even being considered normal.

Let’s look at a set where the girl gets pulled in, taken from a set I ran at the Galleria in Houston:

Excuse me, so sorry to bother you, do you know where the nearest restroom is? I think I may have drank too much water, or perhaps my bladder just isn’t big enough. I wonder if I could get good parking for that. How often do you have to pee?

Uh… not TOO often…

You seem pretty comfortable at the moment. I may seem a bit off, but it’s just the caffeine. No hard drugs, I drive a lot, so I can’t be doing crack or heroin, as it wouldn’t be socially responsible. What’s your favorite recreational drug?

Um… alcohol?

Really? you look like a coke girl. All skinny and such. You must not be doing drinking too much, since you’re not a fattie. Unless you just burn it all off. Are you a triathlete? Or do you just get really randy when you’re drunk? No judgement.

haha, no, I just have a good metabolism

Have you tried alcoholic whip cream?

No but I really want to!

You have to come by, what’s the best way to get in touch with you?

phone… xxx-xxx-xxxx

Cool, what are you doing right now? I want Starbucks, walk with me.

I thought you had to go to the bathroom!

I just met you! I need trust, comfort, and connection before we can “go to the bathroom.”

giggles No! that’s not what I meant

Oh yeah, I must have forgotten about it talking to you. You have magical bladder expanding properties. We’ll hit one on the way to the coffee. I’m going to get something with chocolate…

 

So what happened here?
When I walked up the girl was not interested in talking to me, but she was pulled in because I had time to demonstrate more of my personality that simply delivering a line and waiting to see if she likes me.  Often when the initial pattern of the interaction is question/response, it becomes apparent that the guy is actually interested in the girl very quickly, but he hasn’t shown her anything that would make her be interested in him, so consequently it’s “us vs them,” we’re trying to shatter the ‘ol bitch shield while they’re trying to get out of talking to us.
This rarely works.
Most of the time the sets that go well are the sets where the girl doesn’t have to think about your motivations until after you’ve shown her you’re a cool guy.  In this interaction there’s enough initial talking so that rather than me vs her, it’s both of us working together.
Me and you VS the world, girl!
The other benefit of the ramble here is that is pulls her onto my rhythm rather than the other way around.

Most of the time when a guy talks to a girl the rhythm of the interaction looks like this:

guy: blah      blah      blah
girl: blahblahblah
guy: blah   blah   blah
girl: blahblahblah
guy: blah blah blah
girl: blahblahblah
guy: blahblahblah

Here the girl pulls the guy onto her rhythm. Not attractive. Every girl wants a guy with a stronger reality than themselves, and talking is like music, people speed up or slow down to it.
Beginning the set without space between your opener, qualifying statement, and transition helps you to pull her onto your rhythm, rather then the other way around. When guys say “be the music,” this is what they mean.  Her reality is affected by yours, yours is NOT affected by hers.

Till next time guys,
If you don’t know what to say, just say something.
Love ya!
-The Braeden

 

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