Archive for the ‘Inner Game’ Category

A Happy New Year to all, and thanks to everyone for supporting me over the last one.
Thought I’d start 2012 with a bit of a hot potato. What stops a guy from approaching? The more astute readers will notice that I didn’t categorize it immediately as approach anxiety as I do not believe that it is as simple as that.

You see, I see many students who are quick to say, “I do not get approach anxiety,” but then don’t approach anyway, citing some other excuse to not go and open. Common ones are “I’m tired”, “She’s walking too fast,”and my favourite, “She’s not hot enough.””She’s too young” also comes up but that’s an entirely different blog.
Therein lies the age old philosophical argument between instructors of, is this a legitimate excuse, or AA in disguise?

Because when guys start off practising game, it feels normal and acceptable to have a modicum of approach anxiety. Which is a feeling of tension or apprehension which kicks in just before an approach which irrationally rationalises the possibility of being rejected.Obviously.
This is fascinating when you think about it. Millions of years of evolution and we as a species have had to endure hostile conditions, predators and disease, and have have developed the feeling of anxiety, to warn us and help us to survive.Yet, the very same feeling of threat and danger kicks in before we go and talk to a girl.

What the hell is at threat here?I mean, logically, surely we all know that the vast majority of girls are not going to kill, maim, infect or devour us (in a bad way), so what is the anxiety set to serve?
Well it protects against a threat to the ego. The Male Ego.

The Male Ego works, on the most basic level, if I do X, then this makes me more of a man; if I fail, I am less of a man.So rejection tarnishes the ego. Not really cutting edge news.
But we are willing to accept a little tarnishing in the acquisition of skills and call it a learning curve. So when we start out, it is much easier to accept the odd knock of the ego.

The problem emerges when the skills become more solid and we start to look for markers of success.Then negative outcomes or rejections seem to hit harder as we adopt an ethos of “I have the skills so I should have succeeded” blah, blah, blah less of a man.

The natural reaction to this is to establish comfort zones, that is people will game or interact only in ways or environments which they are completely confident in their abilities, unwilling to risk rejection. This is terribly inhibiting to personal growth and indeed evolving one’s game.

It also results in the aforementioned resistance to approaching whilst denying approach anxiety. Call it Approach Apathy if you will. It’s just another way of protecting the ego. Incidentally the most extreme example of this that I have heard is, “I know that I can get any girl I like so I won’t even bother to approach.”That doesn’t even make any sense.
There are wider implications to this. There is an infectious state that occurs especially when you are with a group of people who are collectively not approaching. It becomes more difficult to approach when your friends around you have the reluctance to approach (or push their game), and it seems that the common denominator is to not be rejected. The idea of “not being rejected” becomes more important than the possible benefits of approaching and hooking up. Conversely, it seems easier to approach if those around you are also approaching and indeed getting success and rejections, as the concept of rejection seems less potent. Socially Proofed Rejection as it were.

We end up catching a cheeky dose of outcome dependence where we avoid approaching challenging sets to avoid rejection and/or only approach “sure things”or DTFs (you know the people who would go home with a garden tool and thus require very little game to close), to garner the evidence that we are indeed, pimp. Afraid to find out that it may not be true. We need to accept that as humans we are imperfect, and at every stage are capable of having swag-tastic awesome interactions, as well as epic blowouts of mass destruction.

So how do you become an Approach Machine? What do the best approachers have in common?

COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE TO REJECTION!!!

In fact the word “rejection! should not exist in our vocabulary. Learn to love getting blown out. Appreciate that experiences that go spectacularly wrong are more valuable (and arguably fun) than those that go spectacularly right. Hell, reprogram your markers of success in terms of the number of spectacular blow outs that you get. Try and get blown out deliberately; it’s actually quite hard. Even if you are quite advanced in the game, just like trying to lift a heavier weight to grow more muscle, you need to challenge yourself and risk losing to grow more.Your strength is not just about your awesome outcomes, it is about your tenacity to keep going through bad ones.
Here’s a little inspiration that sums it up quite well.

Until the next one.

Stay classy,

Shamwow.

It’s been a while since the last one. Today I want to talk about calibration, a topic constantly referred to in pickup, but never really properly addressed. More specifically, social calibration. This is effectively the skill of being attuned to your social environment to judge how others feel and react to the situation, and thus enables you to make the most appropriate decisions to maximise your outcomes.

Now social calibration is extremely hard to teach. Most people have varying degrees of social calibration and individually it may vary from situation to situation. The amount it varies would depend on many factors including social experience, lifestyle and personality. It should be said that we feel more confident when we receive more evidence of our own social calibration to a particular environment. This is why people tend to have venues of preference; one guy may feel more calibrated in coffee shops, whereas someone else may be more at home in a club. We tend to gravitate towards environments where our sense of social calibration is highest.

Now for the most part, when people talk about social calibration in pickup, the knee-jerk solution is………..anyone….Bueller……

SPEND MORE TIME IN THE FIELD!!!!!

And as much as that is a fair comment, it is not entirely helpful. What do you do in the field? How do you know if you are uncalibrated? How do you know if you are improving?

Now a lot of people gauge socially uncalibrated responses as those which are weird, awkward or creepy. As a result, many people see social calibration as an absence of weird, awkward or creepy responses.

This then creates an altogether different and more hideous beast from within. There is a middle ground, a Calibration Purgatory if you will, which exists somewhere between the darkest depths of social retardedness and actual social calibration, where many reside comfortably. And this is the Competition for Social Status.

The most subtle uncalibrated behaviours tend to exist because individuals are competing for a place in the hierarchy of social status. For example, AMOGging, putting others down to try and increase status or NEGging, flat out being rude (because they think it’s being cool), bitchiness and trying to force rapport. Aggressive and competitive behaviours also fall into this category, and also project neediness and dependence on the outcome. These are uncalibrated because they all refuse to take into account what others are feeling and/or create negativity largely to fulfill self-centered needs.

So what are we aiming for to reach Actual Social Calibration? Well if you study individuals who are successful professionally and socially, a number of qualities tend to stand out. They are non-competitive, non-judgemental, have no agenda and seem to add value to everyone. It has been suggested that selfless generosity is the key.

So here are a few things that you can do to avoid getting stuck in Calibration Purgatory.

1. Social Versatility.
Aim to immerse yourself in as many different social situations as you can. One thing I see is that some students only hang out with their Pick-Up wings (mmm wings..) and as a result “the community” defines their social behaviour, resulting in interactions and self-esteem defined by “closes” and the slow descent into narcissism. Expanding one’s repertoire gives us a more broad experience with which to base our experiences of people’s behaviour.It’s also more fun.

2.Treat everyone as equals.

Look, we want to be the high value men that we are, but that’s no excuse to belittle people with it. The goal here is to ADD VALUE (the old chestnut), and make everyone around you feel good. If anyone is down, bring them up. This also enables you to connect with everyone. Make others interact and get involved with your conversation, instead of making it just about yourself.

3.Be non-discriminatory.

A massive potential politically incorrect hot potato.However, many people discriminate to some extent, and it takes a big man to know how he does, and a bigger man to do something about it.Here’s one.Would you treat a hot girl differently to her more overweight friend?Discrimination leads to judgement. Judgement leads to competition. And competition seeks hierarchy.

4. Aim to make everyone feel at ease.

This is where weird, awkward and creepy, those ubiquitous pantomime characters, can be stamped out. Firstly, avoid the Calibration Purgatory option, where the situation becomes weird and you carry on regardless. This just makes it worse, but hey if your’re gonna go down, go down in a Blaze of Glory. Well no.

If your aim is to make everyone feel at ease, the odd challenging situation will come up anyway (which is part of the point) and you learn to deal with them. This will be minimised if everyone is already upbeat, having a good time and already connecting.

Ultimately, a Socially Calibrated person is highly attractive, and projects a potent marker of social success.

Well that’s my take on it . Any Qs E me.

Stay classy.

Shamwow.

Hey guys

It has been a while since I have written a post on here. I have been majorly busy working on the PUA Training bootcamps and residential courses, as well as doing a whole load of other things. When I write a blog post I like to write it from the heart and I believe in practicing what you preach. Out of all the stupid and crazy things I have done in my life, what I am about to embark on is probably the most extreme.

Every week people ask me about how to have interesting conversations and how to live interesting lives. I like to road test ideas before I report on them, however this one is a work in progress. If you want to have great conversations with girls, or anyone in fact, then you need to change what you are doing. It is really hard to generate interesting conversations and connections with people if you are stuck behind a computer reading pick up theory. You have to go out and interact with the world.

The whole idea of a top 40 challenge started back in January of this year, a couple of months before I turned 30. I made a list with the help of some other people (in a pub) of things to do before I hit the 12th anniversary of my 18th birthday. Of course the suggestions were absolutely crazy and unachievable, everything from walking round the rim of a volcano through to swimming with dolphins. Of course I made no attempt to carry out any of the challenges proposed by the well meaning, but very drunk, people had helped me to compose.

I made myself one promise when I turned 30, to stop drinking completely for 3 months. I like drinking, I am good at it, so setting myself a challenge to stop altogether for 3 months seemed to be a crazy idea. To my surprise I actually managed to pull it off, and it was actually much easier than I thought. I began thinking to myself, if I am able to stop drinking for 3 months then surely I can do loads of other things as well?

Three books have had a major influence on my life and have resulted in me devising this top 40 challenge. Those books are; The Dice Man, Yes Man and The Luck Factor. Strangely enough I have never even read The Dice Man but I have been told about it so much from other people and I really like the idea of it. I loved the whole premise of Yes Man and The Luck Factor by Richard Wiseman is one of the best books ever written about positive psychology. 

All three books involve to some degree the removal of free will and choice and letting fate decide your actions. All three also will radically alter your life, give you amazing experiences and stretch your comfort zone to new limits. Although I have done some crazy and stupid things in my life I am also a responsible person and if I am going to undertake a life altering journey I still need to turn up for work, not seriously harm myself or other people and set myself challenges I can actually do.

So here is the plan. I write down 40 things I have always wanted to do. All the tasks are within my financial means and can be completed relative ease. I write down the numbers 1 – 40 on identical pieces of paper and randomly choose one. I then must complete whatever task it relates to off the list before I move onto the next. I must provide some sort of evidence of task completion. Each task must be completed as soon as possible.

Below are my 40 challenges and an explanation to why I have chosen each one.

1. Have fish massage 

I remember a long time ago watching documentary about fish that eat away dead skin. These fish lived in some far flung land in special pools and all attempts to move them resulted in the fish dying. I always wanted to visit these pools and have a “fish massage”. Recently having fish nibble at your feet is becoming somewhat of a phenomenon right here in the UK. Now you can sit and relax while a team of hungry little fish nibble and chomp away at the dead skin on your feet.

2. Buy a made to measure suit/high end blazer and jeans

I like my fashion and always wear blazers and well fitting clothes. Something that I have always wanted is a made to measure suit. I would also be just as happy with a high end blazer and jeans, as I suspect that I would not actually get much use out of a full suit. Either way I am going to be spending a lot of money and looking good!

3. Go on London Eye

I have lived in London for 2 ½ years and in all that time I have never been on the London Eye (or whatever it is called, it seems to change its name every week). This is something I have wanted to do for years but have never gotten round to.

4. Go in a floatation tank

A floatation tank is a small capsule like construction filled with a few inches of high concentration salt water. The idea is that you float in the tank and it helps you to unwind and relax. My love of hypnosis and the mind has always made me curious about such an experience and after seeing them on an episode of “The Simpsons” I have always wanted to go in one.

5. Go to a candle lit pop up dinner

I love one off nights that happen around London. One that has really caught my eye is the type that set up a restaurant filled with candles with no electric lighting. You have to register online and you do not know the location until just a couple of hours before. I spoke to a client who attended a bootcamp recently who was raving about them and it convinced me that I need to go.

6. Go to an observatory

I find space absolutely fascinating. I enjoy nothing more than gazing up to the stars hoping to see a UFO. Yes I am that sad! I have always wanted to visit an observatory and see the stars and planets through a massive telescope.    

7. Hot air balloon ride

I grew up in the countryside in North Yorkshire where it seems that hot air balloon is a regular form of transport. Having spent my youth watching them, I never actually got the chance to have a ride in one. Recently I met up with an old friend of mine who had been for a “flight” and it reignited my passion to sit in a wicker basket underneath a massive bottle of gas and naked flame blowing into a silk balloon. What could possibly go wrong?   

8. Build a model plane

I will be the first to admit that I have no patience and I am useless at most practical skills. Building a model aeroplane is something that I would have a lot of trouble with, as it takes patience, dedication and attention to detail. I hope that at the end of it I will feel a sense of achievement and not go crazy half way through. 

9. Go on a massage course

I am fascinated with the mind/body connection when it comes to relaxation. I also believe that touch is an incredibly powerful and gratifying thing. I want to learn at least the basics in massage and understand better how the muscles are composed.

10. Go on a cookery course

One thing that I promise to do every year is to cook more often. I am OK at cooking, saying that I eat the vast majority of my meals out. I enjoy cooking but I have a limited range of what I can prepare. I have always wanted to attend a cooking course where you get to make totally different food and gain a greater understanding of cooking itself. Cooking is a dying art form and it is so central to our daily lives. I want to be able to cook more often for family and friends without having to rely on a lot of premade dishes. 

11. Give away a free therapy/coaching session

I am going to give away half a day of my time to help someone to improve their innergame.

12. Go and see a big West End Musical.

I live in London yet I have seen surprisingly few shows. I have the world’s best shows literally on my doorstep yet I hardly been to any. I will select a few shows and pick one at random to go and see.

13. Go to see a random band in Camden

I used to be a band promoter in Manchester and so I got to see loads of live music. Since moving to London I haven’t really seen many live bands, especially ones that I don’t previously know. So a trip to Camden to see a band that has a name that attracts me.

14. Learn how to juggle 3 balls for at least a minute

Juggling is a skill that I have always wanted to acquire, especially after reading about the recent research that has gone into it. Juggling, it seems, can really help brain growth and develop a stronger connection between the brain’s hemispheres. I also think it looks cool.

15. Go for afternoon tea at a top London hotel

I have always liked the thought of having a super posh day out and having afternoon tea at a top London hotel. I want to have the little cakes on the special 3 tier stand. Good times!

16. Get 10 postcards from around the world sent to me

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved getting postcards from people on holiday. I have no idea why. I want to get 10 postcards from people who are either on holiday or who live abroad from as far away as possible.

17. By myself a decent watch

I have always loved watches but all of mine have been rather cheap in the past. I currently don’t wear one but I want to treat myself to a decent one. It isn’t going to be a Rolex, just something that looks decent and suits my style.

18. Be in a TV audience

When watching TV shows I have always wanted to be in the audience. I have checked this out before but I have never managed to get into a show.

19. Have strawberries and champagne on Primrose Hill

Primrose Hill is one of my favourite places in London. I also love champagne and strawberries. I am thinking that all three at the same time will be an amazing experience.

20. Go to the Comedy Store

I used to watch the TV show that was recorded at the Comedy Store when I was younger and I had always wanted to go there one day. I literally work across the road from it now yet I have never ventured inside.

21. Use the Abby Road crossing

I am a big Beatles fan and I know this is so cliché to do, but I just want to do it. I need to find the right crossing as apparently people get the wrong one a lot of the time.

22. Visit an ice bar

I know loads of people who have visited an ice bar and it sounds like a great experience.

23. Try laughing gas

This just sounds like a funny thing to do. I like laughing, good times!

24. Go to burlesque show

I find burlesque quite fascinating and it seems to be really popular here in London. It will certainly make a change from a normal night out.  

25. Visit a boutique cinema

I love going to the cinema but often the 3D, engulfing surround sound and other people can ruin the experience. I have been to the Phoenix in East Finchley which I love. I want to seek out other gems across London.     

26. Go to London Zoo

Another one of London’s most famous attractions that I have failed to visit. I have walked pasted it and seen it so many times without going in.

27. View an apartment I can’t afford

This is really just to be noisy and see how the other half live. I might even be inspired to work harder so I can afford it. Probably not, but it will be a fun day out.

28. Fast for 48 hours (water allowed)

I recently met a doctor who was telling me about the benefits of fasting for a couple of days to let the body have a rest. It interests me to see how I would feel after 2 days without food.  

29. Watch the first series of “The Wire”

I have heard so much about this TV Series but I have never seen it. I don’t have a TV and I am not in all that much anyway. I do like good TV programs so I am going to make myself watch the whole first series and see what all the fuss is about.  

30. Go to Dublin for a pint of Guinness

According to a lot of people I have met, Guinness tastes much better in Dublin. I need to investigate this and find out for myself. 

31. Visit a lighthouse

If I was going to build my dream house (Grand Designs style) then I would probably build or convert a lighthouse. The idea of having a room at the top with a 360 degree view I think is amazing. 

32. Go clay pigeon shooting

I have never fired a real gun and I don’t like the idea of shooting a real animal. This sounds like a great day out and no animals will be harmed in the process.  

33. Go to an imax film

For some reason I have never actually been to see a film at an Imax cinema. Just want to go to see what it is like.

34. Buy a really nice aftershave

I have run out of nice aftershave and need to restock. I will probably use this as an opener to get girls opinions on what I should buy. I am going to go for one I have never bought before based on girls recommendations.

35. Spend a day doing volunteer work

Not sure what doing as of yet. In the past I have done quite a bit of volunteer work and I have already really enjoyed it.

36. Go to Richmond for the day

Richmond is a place that I have wanted o go to for a long time. Other things have always come up and got in the way so I have never quite made it.

37. Listen to every Beatles album, one after the other in chronological order

I am a massive Beatles fan but I haven’t ever listened to all the albums, one after another. Friends I mine have done this and apparently has it given them a greater understanding of their music. Sounds like fun! 

38. Go for a 4 handed massage

Apparently having a 4 handed massage is rather trippy. As so many areas on your body are being stimulated at once it overloads the brain. Well worth experiencing in my opinion.

39. Watch “The Godfather” trilogy

I have never watched The Godfather. Enough said. I will watch all 3 then people will stop having a go at me about it.

40. Go for a cut throat razor shave

I have these this countless times in films and I think it looks like fun.

So there are my 40 challenges. Some are more complicated and costly than others, but all are quite achievable. I am going to write down the numbers 1-40 on identical cards and pick one at a time. I will update this blog with what happens along my journey, the people I meet and experiences that I have.

If you want to change your weekly routine, then why not come up with your own list of things to do? You can use some of my ideas to get you started or simply search on Google or ask other people. You have to make the challenges of interest to you and you have to stick to it. Why not try with just 3 to get you going and build up from there?

Although a lot of these tasks seem a bit pointless and daft, there are many psychological reasons why I am carrying out this challenge. I will explain all once I have completed all 40.

Let the adventures begin!

Hypnomatt