Archive for the ‘Inner Game’ Category

Dearly beloved,
It’s been a while since my last post, so for this one I would like to talk about a topic close to my heart: Polarity.
More specifically, sexual polarity.
You see, one of the commonest sticking points I see with students, is the inability to comfortably behave as the alpha male. You know, the guy who leads the girl, has a commanding presence, lives by his own rules and is not one to fuck with.

I suppose, society has evolved to brand this behaviour as brash, obnoxious and even downright misogynistic, and as such we all to some extent have a tendency to suppress this behaviour as it feels uncomfortable to many. Almost to the point of apology for behaving as a man.
The fact that approach anxiety even exists is testament to how we are socially programmed away from our male polarity.

The idea of polarity is, like opposite poles of a magnet which attract, male behaviour attracts female behaviour, and this primal response is integral to the mating process.
The challenge is figuring out what polarity means in an increasingly feminised society.
If this is your sticking point, breaking it WILL be out of your comfort zone.

In nature, the alpha male is the male of the pack with the highest rank, normally associated with his physical prowess. Aggression is often a characteristic of an alpha male, but this is merely a manner of carrying oneself rather than trying to pick fights all the time as this is not usually conducive to survival. And yes, all the chicks like to go for the alpha male. Being the alpha male in nature is the ultimate status symbol.

So I’d like to highlight a number of so-called characteristic male traits, to help create a picture of masculinity.

Logical.
Cocky/Confident.
Physical.
Aggressive.
Competitive.
Sex-oriented rather than love-oriented
Controls emotions.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but as much as we can accept that all these qualities are undeniably male, many of us have suppressed these qualities under the belief that they may be considered socially unfavourable.

Now, at this point, I don’t want groups of guys running out slapping girls on the bum and calling them “Toots,”but I would like us all to figure out where these qualities fit in the modern world.
Indeed, it is no coincidence that these qualities contribute to what many women are attracted to.

This leads me to a point of significant confusion in the understanding of inner game.

We teach students to not be dependent on outcomes and to eliminate neediness and want. Yet at the same time, we are aiming for them to go for the close.Seems like a contradiction in terms.However, we are trying to teach sexual intent, rather than focus on outcomes.

So what’s the difference?

Well, it all boils down to who you are, ya know, how you roll. If inside, you are the kind of guy who for argument’s sake, wants to get laid because it would mean kudos with your mates, then it means that you are seeking value and this repels when projected.
However, if someone gets laid a lot and that is just a part of who they are, then not only does that create a state which women will want to be a part of, but also makes their intent more natural, almost animal.

I guess then that as an inner game concept, we should be aiming to create Animal Intent. That is to tap into our instinctive drive to seek out sexual partners in the first place. Without regard to social pressures. Or being liked. Or looking cool. Or bragging rights.

And here’s the thing. Girls know it straight away when they see it. And they cannot resist it. Because it’s, you know, science.

So how do we get it?

It’s all about becoming a sexual being. Being appreciative of the purity of the sexual act. Work out what sexy is to you. Not to everyone else.Be your sexuality from the outset-this means kino, kino, kino (if you are into German cinema) and most importantly not hiding your intent when you see sexy. Be unapologetic about it. It should be projected in the way you look, the way you move, the way you treat people. It is not something that springs out at the last minute.

Now scroll back up to the list of characteristic male traits and it will become apparent that they are all products of our Animal Intent. It is also quite absurd that we have “evolved” in society to suppress many of these, as this suppression serves to complicate our social mechanisms.

Now a disclaimer. Expressing your Animal Intent is not the same as going around being a dick, a misogynist or a general sex pest. The aim is to develop your natural instincts, not a sexual harassment lawsuit. The key to this is calibration. This is hard to achieve without really following by example, so maybe use a role model. Go out a lot to find your groove. Maybe take a boot-camp. And unleash yourself..

Stay classy.

Shamwow.

Hey guys

A lot of the pick up world seems to focus on getting rock star lifestyle. Rocking up to some high end club with 20 girls in tow, sitting at a private table, drinking champagne and having an after party until the wee hours at some penthouse apartment. This sounds lovely, but I have found that a lot of men, including myself, have absolutely no desire to live this kind of lifestyle.

So what happens to us regular dudes who just want to meet a nice girl and have a relationship? Are we boring? If so will learning game help or hinder our success with finding a girl whom we are compatible with?

The first question to ask yourself is what do you want? Some guys do want to go out and live the rock star life, and that is cool. Learning game is certainly going to help you to achieve this to some degree. I however take a different take on this. I don’t really like clubs, I don’t drink, I don’t like people who go to clubs, I don’t like staying out that late and I like to get up the next day and do things rather than feel like crap. I like more boring activities such as exploring London, spending time with friends, going to gigs and events, organising seminars and workshops, drinking nice coffee and eating out. Hardly rock ‘n’ roll, but I like it.

If you have recently got into game and are now thinking that you have to go out to bars and clubs to meet people, then rest assured that this is not the case. If you are looking to kiss and f close girls, then yes going out to these types of venues are your best bet. But if you are looking for a relationship, then I advise using the skills you learn in game and putting them to use in other places.

One thing you can not avoid is going out and talking to people. You do not learn social skills and game by sitting and home and reading articles like this. You learn it by going out and being with people, the right sort of people. I truly believe that inner game and confidence is built upon success rather than this weird notion that we have to go out and fail 99%. I don’t like failing at things and I try to avoid it when possible. I like to plan things then put them into action.

If you are looking to make a genuine connection with a girl then you are going to have patience. Love at first sight is very rare, instead love usually takes a while to develop through spending time with someone. I have found that the vast majority of people I know in relationships met their partners in one of 4 ways. Those ways of meeting were; educational facility (school, university, college etc), social circle (friends or friends of friends), at work or through a shared hobby or passion. I don’t know many people in relationships who met their partner in a bar or club.

If you are not in education, have exhausted your social circle and there is no one at work that suits you, then you need to look at taking up some new interests and hobbies. If you continue to spend your time with the same people then you are not likely to get any different results. You need to look at what you are doing, the results it is getting you and how you can make changes.

I worked with a client a few months ago who wanted to get back into a relationship. He is a rather quite guy, works in finance and enjoys nothing more than long country walks and cooking. He was rather disheartened with his pick up results as he was meeting loud and obnoxious women who weren’t his type. To be fair he was going to dingy crap clubs and meeting very drunk women. He doesn’t like clubbing, he should never have been in that environment.

When it comes to meeting people you are likely to have a connection with, you need to focus your efforts. My favourite resource is www.meetup.com. There are other similar websites such as City Socialising and Spice. These sites are like portals, a place where you can meet people with similar interests. You can also read your weekly entertainment listings as well as checking online directories.

My best advice is to get known within some sort of scene instead of just going to general events. One guy emailed me last week to say he is going out 4 times a week but unable to build a solid social circle. He is going to singles events and after work drinks type of stuff, so there is not much substance to hold the group together. To get the best results you need to think about a scene or something more substantial to get interested and involved in.

What is important is that whatever you decide to do, you should be doing it through interest and not just to meet women. If you current go to places you don’t really enjoy just to meet girls, than this will shine through. Guys who go to salsa classes are a classic example of this. If you have a genuine interest in something then this will shine through and real and genuine connections can be made, not only with potential partners but new guy friends too.

Some great activities that I have found to work really well with guys who I have monitored over the years include;

Classes and courses. Everything from learning a new language to self development seminars.  

Arts and crafts. Taking up photography, painting, dancing and other creative activities.    

Music. Either playing an instrument or going to see gigs. People bond effortlessly over music especially when it is a love of the same kind e.g. ska, rap, acoustic etc. The more niche the better.

Charity/volunteer work. Getting involved with some sort of charity activity or event. Sponsored runs and events always bring people together.

Sport. Getting involved with a sport or outdoor pursuit helps to unite people.

If you are not a fan of bars and clubs then I advise to stay out of them. Focus your attention on meeting people in places where you are going to have a real reason to talk and let the connection form more naturally over a longer period of time.

Please remember, you meet very few people at home. The girls and the life you desire are not going to come and find you.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Hey guys

Thanks for all the emails and comments about the previous blogs.

Today’s blog is all about taking action and quitting your bullshit whining. This blog is going to have some basic common sense tips. If you like follow them and you are likely to get results. Alternatively you can carry on reading theory and making up pointless and ever increasing in size excuses to why you are not taking action.

As men, we don’t like making mistakes especially in front of other people or in a scenario where we could face our ultimate fear, being rejected by a girl we like. This is why only a very small percentage of people who ever get into game will actually go out and apply what they know in field. It is likely that he only time these people will ever try stuff out is when they are a bootcamp or seminar and an instructor is making them do it.

Because of our fear of rejection and doing things wrong, we spend a lot of time learning theory before we even take the first step. In game there is so much contradicting theory that we are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused with the inability to take any action at all. By reading theory it gives us the false pretence and assurance that we are actually doing something, you aren’t! You do NOT learn game by reading books. The only place to learn social skills and game is in field. No if’s, no but’s.

This post is not about being vague, it is about giving you actual action steps. These steps work. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients and been able to monitor their successes over several years. I can only tell you what I have found to work, I can not make you do anything.   

Natural game is NOT just being yourself!

I have a lot of guys telling me that they want to be natural. They seem to think that by being natural it means they don’t have to change anything about themselves. Being natural at something simply means being very good at a skill set. It does not mean you keep doing what you are already doing. What you are currently doing isn’t working, if it was you would not be reading about these materials.

I do not believe in having what the industry refers to as “canned patterns” or “routines”. I do however believe in being very well prepared and being very good at the skills we teach. If you follow what we tell you, then it will improve your results. If you learn all the skills from opening, transitioning, kino, conversation, elicitation and persuasion, closing, text/email/phone game, dates and escalation then you will become “natural” at meeting women. Each part of game is broken down into small parts. You need to learn them all and practice. You simply can not expect to become a natural without actually learning these skills.

I like to think of natural game as like learning the guitar. You do not become “natural” until you learn how the instrument works and you follow the scales, chords and sequences. Only when you are very good, do you appear to be “natural”. It takes a lot of work to make something look easy.

The future is NOT going to be ok without change

A lot of people who I work with have a romantic idea of the future, which allows them to be lazy in the present. People take a bootcamp thinking it will be the complete solution, it isn’t. Taking a bootcamp is not a solution to a problem, it is a training event to show you how things work. Simply attending any training event and then going home and not making any changes, will not deliver any results. Not long term at least anyway.

If you do not start to plan for the future, then things are going to get worse and worse. The longer you leave it to take any action at all, the less likely you ever take any action. Putting of actually making tangible changes because you first of all want to attend a certain course, read a book or watch a DVD etc will always keep you stuck. There will always be another course to take and another product to buy. There will not be any new breakthroughs and learning more theory will only make you more overwhelmed than you are now.

Just remember, all the time you are at home going through theory night after night. There are other guys meeting and seducing the women that you desire.

You can not therapy your way out of this.

As a therapist I take a very strong view of taking action to get over and past problems. Most often the simplest answer is the correct one to take. If you are not meeting new people, then you need to go out more and to different places. If you are overweight, you need to lose weight. If you are badly dressed, you need to see a stylist. If you live in a boring place, you need to move. We don’t make up the rules, we simply follow them to gain maximum effect.

Therapy does have its place, especially change work (what I specialise in). However if you do not couple therapy with taking action, then once again you will not make any real changes in your life. You do not get over social anxiety by hiding away from the world, you need to integrate into society in a slow and methodical way.

What you are already doing is not working

When we work with guys, we often hear things like “this just isn’t me”, or “it feels weird”. Yes, that is because you are doing new things. If you want to change your results, you need to change your method.

Let’s take a simple scenario of going up to a girl to ask her where Starbucks is. A standard PUA functional approach. Going up to a beautiful girl and asking her where somewhere is may feel weird, only because what you usually do is see her, not approach and then beat yourself up about not approaching afterwards.

What you are dong isn’t working. You need to change your method. We help guys with step by step strategies on how to meet and speak with girls. Once you have done this a LOT and had constructive criticism then it feels fun and natural. The good feelings come as a result, not a precursor. 

No one cares about your excuses

Your excuses keep you stuck and no one cares about them. A good example is a guy I was with the other day who’s facebook profile was terrible. There were loads of pictures of him out in clubs looking really drunk. I told him he should remove 95% of all his pictures because they are likely to put high quality girls off. His response is that it is his friends who tag him. My response “it is YOUR profile, you are responsible for it!”.

When I work in therapy I charge by the hour. If the client is more than 10 minutes late I cancel their appointment but still charge them. I need the full hour with the client to be able to do my work. I am always on time and I live about an hour away from my clinic. Whatever someone’s excuse is, I do not accept it. Not knowing where the clinic is, the tube line being closed, stuck in traffic etc are all the problems of the client.

So why do I take such a harsh approach, because I see things in black or white. I have an engineering background and in my view something is either a 1 or a 0. There is absolutely no grey area. Excuses are all in the 0 category. You either approached the girl or you didn’t, you either went for the close or you didn’t. All the reasons why are meaningless, they just allow you to feel better about not taking action.

Stop giving yourself excuses and learn the art of self discipline. No one is going to take care of you, you need to man up and face reality. When I work with people and I tell them what steps to take, I always get responses like “but I am lazy”, “I procrastinate”, “I am not self disciplined”, “I can’t be bothered”. I have a standard response to all of these justifications; “I could not give a shit about your pathetic excuses. Whether you do what I show you or not, I still get paid. It is 100% up to you to get off your ass and start putting these things into action. All the time you are sitting around moping, other guys are out there seducing the girls that you desire”.

Keep it simple and one step at a time 

One of the reasons I love working on the PUA Training bootcamp is because we take things one step at a time. We teach opening, then we take guys out and get them opening. We work like this all through the weekend, teaching then applying.

When learning game men always read all the theory yet take no action. Too many options usually leads to no option being taken at all. By reading book after book, you fill your head with information but you do not take the actions to turn this into knowledge. It is time to take a step back, look at what you are doing and working on things one step at a time.

Look at the materials we provide, read Richards book and see the steps. Work on the first step, get it mastered and then move on. There is no reason to learn about transitioning, kino or escalation if you are unable to go and open a single girl.

Learning game is not an overnight success, it is an evolution. You need to take things slowly and make it part of your daily life. We live in an on demand society where we want things right away. Slow down, make realistic goals and work hard on them before moving on.

The girls you desire are not going to come and find you 

If you want top quality girls, then you are going to have to earn them. No amount of affirmation, asking the universe or learning theory will ever make this happen. The basics of PUA are all centred around biological attraction and natural selection. Attraction is not a choice, it is how the species procreates. 

Conclusion 

We can show you what works, we are not saying it is right or wrong, it is just what works. I often have guys email me saying how unfair things are and why their problems are special. I have had numerous arguments on forums over the same things. We don’t make the rules, but they apply to us all. You can either argue against them, or learn how they work and use them to your advantage.

So what needs to happen for you to start taking action? What action will you take first? If you don’t take this action, how will your life go?

This is the time to realise you are 100% responsible for your own actions and what you do in life. The world will not chance to suit your needs, you have to adapt to it.

Make a plan, get on with it, stop whinging.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)