approach anxiety

A Happy New Year to all, and thanks to everyone for supporting me over the last one.
Thought I’d start 2012 with a bit of a hot potato. What stops a guy from approaching? The more astute readers will notice that I didn’t categorize it immediately as approach anxiety as I do not believe that it is as simple as that.

You see, I see many students who are quick to say, “I do not get approach anxiety,” but then don’t approach anyway, citing some other excuse to not go and open. Common ones are “I’m tired”, “She’s walking too fast,”and my favourite, “She’s not hot enough.””She’s too young” also comes up but that’s an entirely different blog.
Therein lies the age old philosophical argument between instructors of, is this a legitimate excuse, or AA in disguise?

Because when guys start off practising game, it feels normal and acceptable to have a modicum of approach anxiety. Which is a feeling of tension or apprehension which kicks in just before an approach which irrationally rationalises the possibility of being rejected.Obviously.
This is fascinating when you think about it. Millions of years of evolution and we as a species have had to endure hostile conditions, predators and disease, and have have developed the feeling of anxiety, to warn us and help us to survive.Yet, the very same feeling of threat and danger kicks in before we go and talk to a girl.

What the hell is at threat here?I mean, logically, surely we all know that the vast majority of girls are not going to kill, maim, infect or devour us (in a bad way), so what is the anxiety set to serve?
Well it protects against a threat to the ego. The Male Ego.

The Male Ego works, on the most basic level, if I do X, then this makes me more of a man; if I fail, I am less of a man.So rejection tarnishes the ego. Not really cutting edge news.
But we are willing to accept a little tarnishing in the acquisition of skills and call it a learning curve. So when we start out, it is much easier to accept the odd knock of the ego.

The problem emerges when the skills become more solid and we start to look for markers of success.Then negative outcomes or rejections seem to hit harder as we adopt an ethos of “I have the skills so I should have succeeded” blah, blah, blah less of a man.

The natural reaction to this is to establish comfort zones, that is people will game or interact only in ways or environments which they are completely confident in their abilities, unwilling to risk rejection. This is terribly inhibiting to personal growth and indeed evolving one’s game.

It also results in the aforementioned resistance to approaching whilst denying approach anxiety. Call it Approach Apathy if you will. It’s just another way of protecting the ego. Incidentally the most extreme example of this that I have heard is, “I know that I can get any girl I like so I won’t even bother to approach.”That doesn’t even make any sense.
There are wider implications to this. There is an infectious state that occurs especially when you are with a group of people who are collectively not approaching. It becomes more difficult to approach when your friends around you have the reluctance to approach (or push their game), and it seems that the common denominator is to not be rejected. The idea of “not being rejected” becomes more important than the possible benefits of approaching and hooking up. Conversely, it seems easier to approach if those around you are also approaching and indeed getting success and rejections, as the concept of rejection seems less potent. Socially Proofed Rejection as it were.

We end up catching a cheeky dose of outcome dependence where we avoid approaching challenging sets to avoid rejection and/or only approach “sure things”or DTFs (you know the people who would go home with a garden tool and thus require very little game to close), to garner the evidence that we are indeed, pimp. Afraid to find out that it may not be true. We need to accept that as humans we are imperfect, and at every stage are capable of having swag-tastic awesome interactions, as well as epic blowouts of mass destruction.

So how do you become an Approach Machine? What do the best approachers have in common?

COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE TO REJECTION!!!

In fact the word “rejection! should not exist in our vocabulary. Learn to love getting blown out. Appreciate that experiences that go spectacularly wrong are more valuable (and arguably fun) than those that go spectacularly right. Hell, reprogram your markers of success in terms of the number of spectacular blow outs that you get. Try and get blown out deliberately; it’s actually quite hard. Even if you are quite advanced in the game, just like trying to lift a heavier weight to grow more muscle, you need to challenge yourself and risk losing to grow more.Your strength is not just about your awesome outcomes, it is about your tenacity to keep going through bad ones.
Here’s a little inspiration that sums it up quite well.

Until the next one.

Stay classy,

Shamwow.

Problem:

When most guys go out, they’ll approach like they buy milk. There’s no purpose, they’re just doing another task on a list of things they feel like they have to do. It’s better than sitting at home playing the new Modern Warfare game, as far as developing a social life, but it’s still not as effective, and initially attractive, as it could be. Also, when it’s just a task, you’re more likely to succumb to the effects of approach anxiety.

Solution:

When you go out, have a purpose. I don’t mean simply goals, like, “Go approach ten women,” I mean purpose. The difference is intent. If your goal is to approach ten women, and you do so with the same amount of purpose you go grocery shopping, then it’s all for naught. Approach like you’re a man, like you’re storming the beaches of Normandy, like you might die tomorrow, and if this is your final act, then by God, you’re going out with a bang! (So to speak, of course.)

This is you

When things matter, then they should be treated as such. Don’t go through life half-assing things that matter. Give them your full attention. Be present, feel the emotions welling up inside of you. Thoughts are okay, but should not be held on to like a safety blanket. They should be like butterflies, interesting, fleeting, allowed to drift away as quickly as they come.

Most people starting to learn seduction will attempt to stop approach anxiety, but that is counter-productive. Approach anxiety is a good indication of who you should approach. If a woman can create that nervousness in you, then she’s someone you’re attracted to. A man’s deepest purpose is generally found down the path that he fears to follow. Going and approaching despite the fear will allow you to feel your purpose. It is masculine to overcome fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but action despite fear. Women and fortune favor the brave.

If you “destroy” approach anxiety, using some psychological trick to remove approach anxiety, you’re removing the ability to be excellent. Women know that approaching a beautiful woman is difficult, and they know when the situation is especially difficult. Woman are very emotionally intuitive. A hard approach for you might be easy for someome else, but women can feel the emotional energy within you. When you approach, she can feel the emotions you overcame to approach. When you overcome obstacles, and approach no matter the circumstance and strong emotions, she’s going to feel far more initial attraction than some guy who felt no fear, and approached her when it was “easy.” Go for the 3-pointers, take the hard shots. That which seems difficult in seduction is usually the easy way.

This is not to say that one should waste time, or make things unnecessarily complicated. Quite the contrary, seduction can be simple. Simplicity is not always ease. Approaching a woman with simple honesty, “Hello, I saw you and I wanted to talk to you,” can feel far less easy than dropping the newest opinion opener. However, it is simple, because she knows your intent, and few men have the clarity of purpose to put it out in the open like that. She’ll feel it even more strongly if you said something like that after overcoming approach anxiety. It is a simple thing to do, but it is not always easy.

Action Steps:

Now, I implore you. Go out, find the women that take your breath away, that make you do a double-take. Find the ones who you make excuses not to approach. Make it your purpose, and approach those women with nothing but truth and simplicity: “Hello, I saw you, and I want to talk to you.”

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Approaching.

How to be Manlier Than Approach Anxiety

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