Posts Tagged ‘Approaching’

Hey guys,

Wow, I can’t believe it has been so long since I last posted! Jumping on the New Year bandwagon this is actually a post I meant to put up around November but never got around to it.

The Background.

When with a student I like to refer to how important a first impression is. If your first impression isn’t strong, you face a battle to make up lost distance, and then prove to her that you are a cool guy worth spending time with.

Now a few people might have read that and start crying out old pick-up mantras: ‘But I’m the prize! She should want to game me!’ Let’s be honest with ourselves here, none of that is true… at least not straight away.

You only become the prize once you have proven you are the prize. Very few girls will actively view you straight away as someone to be chased and invested in without you having shown them why. It can happen, but only in special circumstances. In a regular bar, nightclub or in the street, you need to show them why you are worth the effort.

And all this comes down to making a good first impression.  By doing this you are cutting out a great deal of work for yourself, as most of the qualities you need to convey, aside from conversational ability and escalation ability, can be demonstrated in that initial moment. That’s why we are going to have a look at these qualities and go through how to show them effectively in this post.

The Breakdown

 
First let’s break this down into two sections, the initial look, and the initial contact. The initial look is what they see when they first look at you. The first judgement they will make. It comes in three parts:
1) Fashion.
2) Body language.
3) Value in the environment.

Each of these three things are related to your overall value. If all three (minimum two out of three) are high, then you come across as a high value guy and the girl is more likely to be open to you approaching, forcing IOI’s, etc. Without them, it will naturally be more of an uphill battle.
The initial contact comes in when you actually open your mouth and deliver the opener, and comes in four parts.
1) Eye contact.
2) Body language.
3) Vocal tonality.
4) Proximity.

Together these four things make the strongest impression when making contact. Strong eye contact is a sign of a comfortable, secure and confident man. This is especially true when combined with relaxed body language.

By having a voice that is paced (by which I mean you aren’t speaking too fast), this shows an air of dominance and authority. Notice how good public speakers pause and slow down as they say their key points. It is the same theory here.

Finally, your proximity (how close you are standing) to them will grab their attention and make sure they have noticed you. The ideal distance is right on the edge of their comfort zone. If you want a guide, it would be the same distance from your elbow to the tips of your fingers, if your arm were bent at your side.

The worst thing that can happen when you open is not for a girl to say ‘no thanks’ and then to turn away. It is for her to say ‘excuse me?’ (or much more likely in England ‘what?’). If you haven’t got her attention before you open your mouth it is an uphill struggle from there. It is far better to create a good first impression with a bit of thought and effort, and make the work later a bit easier, rather than springing a surprise opinion opener on a girl without her knowing you are going to say something beforehand.

So there we have a bit of a mindset (though slightly technical) first post of the New Year for you all. I plan on finishing my Strategy for Nightgame post series soon, but in the mean time if you have any questions on this or my other posts, please do not hesitate to contact me on: karl@puatraining.com

Until next time!

Karl

A Happy New Year to all, and thanks to everyone for supporting me over the last one.
Thought I’d start 2012 with a bit of a hot potato. What stops a guy from approaching? The more astute readers will notice that I didn’t categorize it immediately as approach anxiety as I do not believe that it is as simple as that.

You see, I see many students who are quick to say, “I do not get approach anxiety,” but then don’t approach anyway, citing some other excuse to not go and open. Common ones are “I’m tired”, “She’s walking too fast,”and my favourite, “She’s not hot enough.””She’s too young” also comes up but that’s an entirely different blog.
Therein lies the age old philosophical argument between instructors of, is this a legitimate excuse, or AA in disguise?

Because when guys start off practising game, it feels normal and acceptable to have a modicum of approach anxiety. Which is a feeling of tension or apprehension which kicks in just before an approach which irrationally rationalises the possibility of being rejected.Obviously.
This is fascinating when you think about it. Millions of years of evolution and we as a species have had to endure hostile conditions, predators and disease, and have have developed the feeling of anxiety, to warn us and help us to survive.Yet, the very same feeling of threat and danger kicks in before we go and talk to a girl.

What the hell is at threat here?I mean, logically, surely we all know that the vast majority of girls are not going to kill, maim, infect or devour us (in a bad way), so what is the anxiety set to serve?
Well it protects against a threat to the ego. The Male Ego.

The Male Ego works, on the most basic level, if I do X, then this makes me more of a man; if I fail, I am less of a man.So rejection tarnishes the ego. Not really cutting edge news.
But we are willing to accept a little tarnishing in the acquisition of skills and call it a learning curve. So when we start out, it is much easier to accept the odd knock of the ego.

The problem emerges when the skills become more solid and we start to look for markers of success.Then negative outcomes or rejections seem to hit harder as we adopt an ethos of “I have the skills so I should have succeeded” blah, blah, blah less of a man.

The natural reaction to this is to establish comfort zones, that is people will game or interact only in ways or environments which they are completely confident in their abilities, unwilling to risk rejection. This is terribly inhibiting to personal growth and indeed evolving one’s game.

It also results in the aforementioned resistance to approaching whilst denying approach anxiety. Call it Approach Apathy if you will. It’s just another way of protecting the ego. Incidentally the most extreme example of this that I have heard is, “I know that I can get any girl I like so I won’t even bother to approach.”That doesn’t even make any sense.
There are wider implications to this. There is an infectious state that occurs especially when you are with a group of people who are collectively not approaching. It becomes more difficult to approach when your friends around you have the reluctance to approach (or push their game), and it seems that the common denominator is to not be rejected. The idea of “not being rejected” becomes more important than the possible benefits of approaching and hooking up. Conversely, it seems easier to approach if those around you are also approaching and indeed getting success and rejections, as the concept of rejection seems less potent. Socially Proofed Rejection as it were.

We end up catching a cheeky dose of outcome dependence where we avoid approaching challenging sets to avoid rejection and/or only approach “sure things”or DTFs (you know the people who would go home with a garden tool and thus require very little game to close), to garner the evidence that we are indeed, pimp. Afraid to find out that it may not be true. We need to accept that as humans we are imperfect, and at every stage are capable of having swag-tastic awesome interactions, as well as epic blowouts of mass destruction.

So how do you become an Approach Machine? What do the best approachers have in common?

COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE TO REJECTION!!!

In fact the word “rejection! should not exist in our vocabulary. Learn to love getting blown out. Appreciate that experiences that go spectacularly wrong are more valuable (and arguably fun) than those that go spectacularly right. Hell, reprogram your markers of success in terms of the number of spectacular blow outs that you get. Try and get blown out deliberately; it’s actually quite hard. Even if you are quite advanced in the game, just like trying to lift a heavier weight to grow more muscle, you need to challenge yourself and risk losing to grow more.Your strength is not just about your awesome outcomes, it is about your tenacity to keep going through bad ones.
Here’s a little inspiration that sums it up quite well.

Until the next one.

Stay classy,

Shamwow.

Hey guys,

For this post I want to go through with you a strategy for effectively gaming at night. This will not be heavy on technique but will help explain how to correctly navigate your way through the often confusing world of night game. This is the first of three posts in which I will cover the three locations of night game: clubs, bars and the street, and by the end of them you should have enough knowledge of the social situations that you can effectively game in them, for practice or for a goal.

The basics of Club game:

The Environment:

The most obvious point to start is the environment in a club. It has loud music, a lot of girls who have bitch shields up, a lot of drink, and not nearly enough space! While this may sound like hell to someone practicing game it is in reality the best place to practice! The atmosphere is intimidating because it is designed to be, especially to guys. The club makes it’s money on the bar, so the more uncomfortable someone is, the more likely they are to buy drinks. Once you recognise this, it is easier to deal with it, and use the environment to your advantage:

• If it is cramped while standing it is a great excuse to open by asking someone to move up so you can sit down, or get to the bar. It is also great as a method of isolation: ‘it is too cramped/hot/loud, lets go to the smoking area for some air/more space/some quiet’.
• As it is loud it is perfect to get close to hear and to kino!
• If other guys are clearly uncomfortable, by being (or acting) calm and as if you are having fun you put yourself in a positive light and differentiate yourself from the rest!
• If you can get past a girls bitch shield you not only get a huge amount of respect and feel great but it becomes easier to open her group up, and other groups around! Bitch shields are also a great source of self amusement, they allow you to be a bit inventive in getting round them and it is a good feeling to know you have broken one, and the easiest way is by giving her a positive response to her, complimenting her on her shortness etc. I will not go into a lot of detail as I know there are other posts here which are specific to dealing with disarming bitch shields and handling tests.

The Girls:

So now we know the environment we are dealing with, lets look at what we are there for, the girls! In a club it isn’t likely that people are there to talk about their jobs, childhood or hobbies! They are there for a bit of fun, a release from everyday life! Many guys learning get bogged down in trying to talk to women in a club and wonder why their success rate isn’t high! Remember to bear in mind why they are there, to have fun! Now bitch shields are prevalent in night clubs, but why is this?

When a girl goes out she knows she will be hit on, and she will enjoy some of the attention but being honest, she is most likely out for a night with her friends, and after the third or fourth guy comes up to her she will start to put the shield up. Bear this in mind when approaching her, and so don’t be surprised if you don’t get her falling into your arms as soon as you say hi! Now I am not saying to expect, and indeed dread a bitch shield, just be prepared for one, there are other blog posts which deal with this so I will not devote any time to it, other than saying the best way to handle them is positively.

So what is the best way to minimise the chance (or potency) of a bitch shield, or even just how to increase the chance of a successful opener? Remember what they are there for, to have fun! If you open with an opinion opener about if you should dye your hair then that is certainly better than nothing but why not make it a bit more calibrated. They are there to have fun, have a party, escape from their usual world for a little bit. If you open in a way which communicates you are not in that state of mind then the opener is likely to fall flat, likewise if you open with something which doesn’t add to this and increase their enjoyment of the night.

You don’t have to be super high energy, just enjoying yourself (or at least appear to be). Nice, low pressure situational openers are ideal for early on in the night, and you can have short interactions before going back and opening them later on again for longer periods of time. Another way of opening is by forcing an IOI (Indicator of Interest) with a girl before opening, this way you have a good idea of whether she will be warm or not, and if she gives a good response then approach, if she doesn’t nothing has been lost, and you can move on safe in that knowledge.

As for comfort building and escalating remember that you don’t want to be shouting in her ear all night to ask about her pet dog! Instead dance with a few push pull moves (which have been covered in another post) and if you want to speak to her for long periods of time isolate her to a quieter part of the club or outside to the smoking area/outside the club. This is true for escalating with K-closes. However tempting it is try not to K close her in front of her friends, as this can hinder your chances of a same night lay and could damage the rest of the interaction, as she does not want to be seen as ‘easy’ so show a bit of understanding and isolate her first.

The Timing:

Time passes differently in a nightclub compared to the outside world. There are really only three ‘phases’ in a club which everyone experiences relative to their time in the club.

1. Establishment: This is the first phase when everyone has just arrived and they are still settling into the night. At this point extraction is possible but unlikely if they have paid a big entry fee (e.g. in London something around £10-20, for university students £5-8, in the USA I am unaware!). If they have been looking forward and have planned to be in this club at this day then it is also very hard to extract at this point, but if neither of these two points are applicable then it is perfectly possible to extract a set to another venue. People tend to be a bit more guarded at this point in the night,as they have not yet loosened up but it is a brilliant time to do some social proofing (asking short questions and having very short interactions with almost everyone).

2. Socialising: At this point people have had a bit more to drink, have caught up with each other and feel more comfortable and are willing to start socialising! You will notice more IOI’s are given off at this stage, however it is nearly impossible to extract at this point as people have just settled in and are enjoying themselves. Now is the time to follow up on the social proofing from earlier and also to engage for longer periods of time.

3. Closing: This phase occurs in the last hour or two of the club being open. Opening new sets is a little bit more difficult as it is likely they have had a few too many guys ‘try it on’ already, but extraction with the ones you have already interacted with becomes a real possibility, and even more likely if you have been seeding the idea and building enthusiasm about it for a little while beforehand. This is a time to be in one set only with the end point in mind.

The Strategy:

So hopefully with all of this information you will be able to start to increase your understanding and enjoyment of club game. Below I have outlined a step by step strategy for you to start gaming in a club effectively:

1. Establish a base, familiarise yourself with the club by social proofing, asking questions such as ‘where are the bathrooms, other bars etc’

2. Go back in and re-open some warm sets from the social proofing stage.

3. Spend some time on a dancefloor, ideally either with a set or opening new ones.

4. Go back in and re-open the warmest sets from earlier, spending a longer and longer period of time.

5. Prepare for extraction/closing by seeding the ideas.

6. Work to extract/close.

Go out there and try to implement this basic plan and utilise the advice given. If you have a question about club game which you would like answered leave a comment or send an email!

Next in this series of posts…bar game, have fun guys!

Karl