Posts Tagged ‘Inner Game’

Hey guys

I promise that this post will be shorter than the last one. I think I got RSI from writing the last post.

What I want to talk about today is the topic of wasting time and effort on girls and how you can turn that arround. When you waste time and effort, not only can you never make that time up again, but it also makes you feel crap, lowers your self esteem and makes you less likely to go after the girls who will actually be responsive to you.

Before I learnt about game, I was very much into marketing. I used to be a club and band promoter, this taught me how to make money and focus my efforts on the right people. I believe that a massive part of self esteem comes through getting results. If this is the case shouldn’t we be focused on going for the right types of people which will generate the best results, rather than just hoping for the best?

When I got into promoting bands in Manchester I learnt very quickly that the general population had absolutely no interest in going to see unsigned bands in a pub function room on a Wednesday night. I could have spent a lot of money advertising the gigs on the front of the local papers, but this would have had barely any impact at all. The only people who are interested in seeing unsigned bands (when they are starting out at least) and friends and family of the band members and a few music enthusiasts. I had a system where the bands had to purchase a certain amount of tickets in advance in order to play a gig. This method is also known as “pay to play”. It is hated by musicians as they have to now put in the effort of getting people there as they have a financial investment. However this also meant that every gig I did made money, plus there was always a decent crowd for the bands to play to. I promoted over 100 music events in Manchester and gained a good reputation. Although I used a system that bands didn’t initially like, I still had about a ratio of 3 bands per 1 slot available.

While I was a band promoter I got to meet a lot of interesting characters. One night I was out with a lead singer of a band, who lets say was “unconventional” looking. He was ugly. However he was amazingly successful with girls. He was a very charismatic singer and went to a lot of after parties, a simple yet effective system. One night I was out with him and I spotted a group of 4 girls. I dared him to go over and speak to them. He looked at me totally confused as to why he would do that. He explained that they have no idea who he is and therefore will not be successful. This is when I really started to understand about targeted marketing and going after low hanging fruit. You can take someone who is amazingly successful, but if he is approaching the wrong sort of people then even he will get poor results.

When I first became a hypnotherapist, like most others I decided to cover every single issue under the sun. I used to do everything from weight loss, to stop smoking, to fears and phobias and even such crap as past life regression. I was competing in a cut throat industry and spreading myself far too thinly. I was literally begging people to come and so sessions with me and I used to undercut my competitors on price. I used to work all hours of the day and night and do as the client requested rather than doing the sessions how I wanted to. Then one day I was speaking to a marketing expert, who just did stop smoking sessions. He told me that I had to specialise or I would always find making a living as a therapist hard and I was likely to go out of business. This really resonated with me and I decided to get into what I knew best, social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Once I knew my direction, it allowed me to focus my efforts. I went on every course I could, I read every book on the subject and I shadowed every therapist that would let me. I researched, tried and tested every technique related to anxiety. This is something that I continue to this day and always will. Once I got really good at this type of work I was then able to advertise my services to those people who were actually looking. When you focus your efforts and work with the right people, your results grow exponentially.

So how does this relate to game? Well I see game like marketing and once you break it down and analyse it you can start to improve each part to maximise the results. The product or service that you offer is yourself, the market is the girls you want to be with and then you use game techniques (opening, closing, escalation etc) as the selling process. Once you know your market and how to present yourself best, then your results will drastically improve. Most people have no idea what they are trying to achieve, who they are trying to attract or how to analyse their results. No wonder people feel lost and like giving up.

Ok let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Recently I was working with a client who was Muslim, based in London and was looking to find a girl who he could settle down with and start a family. The girl also had to be Muslim who also had similar life goals. He liked the homely and caring types who didn’t drink and were career focused. He liked girls who were classy, well educated and enjoyed talking about philosophy and religion. He himself was a successful businessman with great prospects. He was a very good catch for someone who wanted to settle down and start a family. He was currently getting really poor results from game, to the extent that he his family were on the brink of arranging a marriage for him.

So where was this guy going to meet his future wife? He currently spent his time going to student nights at crap hole nightclubs in the West End of London. One particular night he went to every week was famous for selling all drinks for £1. See this is where I have to sit back and see if the penny drops, in this case it didn’t so I had to spell it out for him.

I said to him, “So let me make sure I understand. You are looking to meet a Muslim girl who you can settle down with. You don’t like girls who drink, you like the homely type who are well educated and career focused. You also want them to be a good conversationalist who likes to talk about religion and philosophy. Let me ask you, how many of these girls do you think go to a £1 a drink night at a crap hole club during the week?”. He looked rather puzzled and after a few moment he said “probably not that many, but there are lots of girls there”.

Let’s look at this in detail. Say there are 1000 girls in the club, how many are first of all likely to be Muslim? Let’s say 15% (I am just using made up numbers for example’s sake). Out of that 150 how many are likely to be living in London and not a tourist, who don’t drink and are career focused and looking to start a family within the next couple of years. We are probably down to single figures by now. Not only does he have to go and find these girls but he is also facing such issues as loud music, her friends and lots and lots of other guys. No wonder he is getting poor results. As I explained all this to him, he started to understand what I was on about but then looked disheartened. “So you are saying it is a lost cause and I should just give up?” At the moment he was going out 2-3 times a week and opening approximately 15 girls per night. So he was efficient in his approach, however he was not being effective. “No my friend, I suggest you change what you are doing to get better results” was my answer.

We first of all gather some information about the girls he was attracted to and built a bit of a profile about them. We then consulted my best friend in the world, Google. Within minutes we had found a Muslim only dating site, and a Muslim philosophy discussion group that was held in his local area. Within a month of going to these focused events he got into a steady relationship with a great girl. They are still together 6 months later and look set for a great future together. He has not been to a £1 a drink night since and his self esteem is at an all time high.

When you don’t approach game with an analytical attitude then you end up just going out for the sake of it. Without a plan you will of course feel lost and have no idea where you are going wrong or right. Getting numbers will be something of chance and then converting those numbers to dates will be a difficult process. All this leads to wasted effort, poor results which of course turns into low self esteem and lack of motivation.

While in Manchester I became very friendly with a guy who ran a speed dating company. When I asked him why he started to do this, he said it was simple. He was single and he wanted to meet a lot of single girls who were looking to meet guys. He didn’t want to go to the events himself as this would put on the same level as the guys who attended. By organising the events, he not only had all the girls details and could speak to them about dating, but he was also of higher value at the events. To me this is a work of genius.

One common problem I see with guys is the whole “oneitus” AKA unrequited love. Basically when you really like a girl but it has not gone anywhere and is not very likely to happen anyway. People spend so much of their time investing into this one person, that they are now in what I like to call an investment trap. By giving up on this person and going after new people, they feel like all the time leading up to this has been a waste of time and therefore they have to continue. This makes no sense at all and just leads to investing more and more time and therefore strengthening the problem. A good pick up artist knows two things, what kind of girls to go for and when to call it quits.

If you are in an investment trap with a girl, you have to ask yourself “what I am doing, how is it working out so far?”. By continuing to the same things you are likely to get the same results. I advise to change your methods by going out and meeting different people. The one girl who you have invested so much in is actually more likely to be attracted to you if you are not chasing her, but instead dating other girls. You are also likely to meet girls who are even more suited to you once you change your focus.

Ok that is it for today. Think about how you are spending your time and how efficient and effective it is. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and if you are investing too much into one girl, go out and meet more people!

Please leave your comments and share this post on facebook

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Lately I’ve been considering the fundamentals of everything game like , and i thought what better way to ask the eternal holy 2  questions which everyone asks at one point or another.

they are

What is inner game?

How do i get it ?

What is Inner Game ?

when i began on my first tentative steps into the community a little over a year ago now , i knew what i wanted , but i had no idea of how to get it  i felt in a way akin to a quote i had just read by D. H Lawrence which went something like this

” Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.”

little did i know at the time that this one phrase would change my entire perception ( a mental state change if you will ) of finding love , and the art of being found , were in fact ; the essence of what inner game is all about .

it is a state of being , and not doing because only by truly learning to love and accept yourself with all of the shortcomings we as people have will you ever be able to fully appreciate and accept the love of another.

although being and doing are closely linked they are very different, being cool or sexy or smart or happy is an inner monologue that you have with yourself and it is shaped by influences you have had in your past , doing is an action you perform consciously because you have to ,this can be linked to many different things , social acceptance , work ethic,

in fact it can be applied to any task that you perform in your day to day life, all very necessary but instead of doing these things for a reason we actually start needing a reason to do these things in order to consciously justify our behavior to our peers and ultimately ourselves

listen to me harp on like the dalai lama :) ,  so in plain talk inner game is a state of mind where instead of doing something for the approval of others do it for your yourself , go out , enjoy every single moment you have , and enjoy it for its uniqueness.

which brings us onto the next question

How do i get it ?

I mean lets face it, you can’t exactly walk down to the nearest tesco express and ask for a packet of instant inner game can you ? ( if only we could though……… :)

the only way to get something is to actually start doing it , if you want to become more successful at selling  things you can’t sit around at home reading about it , you need to go out and start doing it , and this is also particularly pertinent to Game itself,

don’t get me wrong i love reading game theory as much as any other guy out there ,

but unless you go out into the world and start challenging your own perceptions of what is possible i guarantee you at the end of the day you will wake up and find that you are a lot older , and a lot lonelier because you never took action ,

time is precious so use every second of it to the best of your ability. go out today , or tommorow depending how late it is when you read this and set yourself a challenge that is game orientated, say open 5 sets with direct openers or set a time limit to how long those interactions have to last, anything you think you have a sticking point on go out and do it , otherwise you just keep perpetuating your self fulfilling prophecy Sham spoke about in his blog.

just remember to keep setting yourself challenges , and take it day by day do one thing everyday which makes you scared or nervous , by doing it you will become more powerful than you can ever possibly imagine

and remember guys don’t ask yourself what the meaning of life is, go out and create it

tell next time

Peace and love

M

P.S   remember to leave a comment after you have read this :D

Hey guys,

So for my first post I want to talk about something which affects almost everyone who starts learning about game – Outcome Dependancy.

Let’s think for a minute, what does game come down to? Value is of course the answer. All the techniques and skills out there are so that we can put ourselves into a position of high value; this is attractive, and so we get the girl. I should clarify at this point that by value I mean social value. This is the culmination of all of the signals you, and other people, give off about your position, status, career prospects, social circle and all other indicators that you are a good potential father for her children (don’t worry, not every woman consciously thinks this whenever they look at you!).

I should also point out that you don’t have to have a super high flying job with a load of cash to burn to portray these traits (of which I will talk more in a later post). Remember that being a rubbish collector may seem low value, but if you are doing it to pay for night classes so you can become a banker, lawyer or whatever else, then that shows ambition, and ambition shows you are a high value guy.

But I digress from the point. So if we are trying to show that we are high value, then why do we care so much about the outcome? This is a fault that has been present in the community for a long time, and is almost hard wired in to a guy. Outcome dependency is a situation you find yourself in when you define how well an interaction went, or how ‘good’ you are, and this is not just in game but anywhere in life, by the result you get.

Now of course if you have taken one of our courses you will know that we push you to get the best results you can get, and while you are practicing it is always important to go for every number, kiss or whatever, because if you don’t, how will you know if you can do it? But the key thing to realise is that what do these things mean? A number or email is a way to stay in contact. A kiss is an intimate moment (most of the time). Sex can be different things to different people, but mostly is a good workout and a way to burn off a few calories!

Should we attach so much value to each of these things? Does a movie or rock star define himself by the fact he got a number last night? Or is it just part of who he is? When learning game we tend to get caught up in the fact we are getting more numbers, kisses or whatever than before but we shouldn’t ever go in to the interaction with an outcome solid in our mind. Because if we don’t get it then how do we feel?

I had a student with another instructor who we taught some strip club game too. He had been doing really well and started the session saying how he could get any girl! So to test this we told him to go and approach a stripper. He didn’t do an approach all night. He had come to place so much value on the fact he could get a girls number that he got anxiety about that view of himself being challenged. Remember that while it is nice to get a number, kiss or  more, it is not everything. If you place a lot of value on it, so will she. And she will feel the pressure. Chances of success? Pretty low.

Instead relax, have fun and realise that a high value guy doesn’t really mind if he gets it or not. So he doesn’t put as much pressure on it. Which means it is more likely to happen. As an exercise go out there and open sets without caring what happens. Open in a wild or silly way, or with bad openers like ‘I have been addicted to cheesecake for 2 months, do you know a good cheesecake rehab centre?’

It doesn’t matter if the set goes well or not, but do it for the fun of it, and if something good happens then that is just the way you roll ;-)

Have fun guys, I’ll be back soon!

Karl