Posts Tagged ‘innergame’

Hey guys

A lot of the pick up world seems to focus on getting rock star lifestyle. Rocking up to some high end club with 20 girls in tow, sitting at a private table, drinking champagne and having an after party until the wee hours at some penthouse apartment. This sounds lovely, but I have found that a lot of men, including myself, have absolutely no desire to live this kind of lifestyle.

So what happens to us regular dudes who just want to meet a nice girl and have a relationship? Are we boring? If so will learning game help or hinder our success with finding a girl whom we are compatible with?

The first question to ask yourself is what do you want? Some guys do want to go out and live the rock star life, and that is cool. Learning game is certainly going to help you to achieve this to some degree. I however take a different take on this. I don’t really like clubs, I don’t drink, I don’t like people who go to clubs, I don’t like staying out that late and I like to get up the next day and do things rather than feel like crap. I like more boring activities such as exploring London, spending time with friends, going to gigs and events, organising seminars and workshops, drinking nice coffee and eating out. Hardly rock ‘n’ roll, but I like it.

If you have recently got into game and are now thinking that you have to go out to bars and clubs to meet people, then rest assured that this is not the case. If you are looking to kiss and f close girls, then yes going out to these types of venues are your best bet. But if you are looking for a relationship, then I advise using the skills you learn in game and putting them to use in other places.

One thing you can not avoid is going out and talking to people. You do not learn social skills and game by sitting and home and reading articles like this. You learn it by going out and being with people, the right sort of people. I truly believe that inner game and confidence is built upon success rather than this weird notion that we have to go out and fail 99%. I don’t like failing at things and I try to avoid it when possible. I like to plan things then put them into action.

If you are looking to make a genuine connection with a girl then you are going to have patience. Love at first sight is very rare, instead love usually takes a while to develop through spending time with someone. I have found that the vast majority of people I know in relationships met their partners in one of 4 ways. Those ways of meeting were; educational facility (school, university, college etc), social circle (friends or friends of friends), at work or through a shared hobby or passion. I don’t know many people in relationships who met their partner in a bar or club.

If you are not in education, have exhausted your social circle and there is no one at work that suits you, then you need to look at taking up some new interests and hobbies. If you continue to spend your time with the same people then you are not likely to get any different results. You need to look at what you are doing, the results it is getting you and how you can make changes.

I worked with a client a few months ago who wanted to get back into a relationship. He is a rather quite guy, works in finance and enjoys nothing more than long country walks and cooking. He was rather disheartened with his pick up results as he was meeting loud and obnoxious women who weren’t his type. To be fair he was going to dingy crap clubs and meeting very drunk women. He doesn’t like clubbing, he should never have been in that environment.

When it comes to meeting people you are likely to have a connection with, you need to focus your efforts. My favourite resource is www.meetup.com. There are other similar websites such as City Socialising and Spice. These sites are like portals, a place where you can meet people with similar interests. You can also read your weekly entertainment listings as well as checking online directories.

My best advice is to get known within some sort of scene instead of just going to general events. One guy emailed me last week to say he is going out 4 times a week but unable to build a solid social circle. He is going to singles events and after work drinks type of stuff, so there is not much substance to hold the group together. To get the best results you need to think about a scene or something more substantial to get interested and involved in.

What is important is that whatever you decide to do, you should be doing it through interest and not just to meet women. If you current go to places you don’t really enjoy just to meet girls, than this will shine through. Guys who go to salsa classes are a classic example of this. If you have a genuine interest in something then this will shine through and real and genuine connections can be made, not only with potential partners but new guy friends too.

Some great activities that I have found to work really well with guys who I have monitored over the years include;

Classes and courses. Everything from learning a new language to self development seminars.  

Arts and crafts. Taking up photography, painting, dancing and other creative activities.    

Music. Either playing an instrument or going to see gigs. People bond effortlessly over music especially when it is a love of the same kind e.g. ska, rap, acoustic etc. The more niche the better.

Charity/volunteer work. Getting involved with some sort of charity activity or event. Sponsored runs and events always bring people together.

Sport. Getting involved with a sport or outdoor pursuit helps to unite people.

If you are not a fan of bars and clubs then I advise to stay out of them. Focus your attention on meeting people in places where you are going to have a real reason to talk and let the connection form more naturally over a longer period of time.

Please remember, you meet very few people at home. The girls and the life you desire are not going to come and find you.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

My aim is to write a short blog post today. Let’s see how that turns out.

Today it is Sunday 22^nd May 2011 and I am glad to say that the world has not ended, yay! I am really glad because I have just bought some gig tickets for next week. Yet another doomsday prediction failed to come true, to be fair it only needs to happen the once though. I have just been reading some of the news reports about the Rapture and those who are explaining why the world didn’t end. The put it down to miscalculations, misinterpretation, yet no they have not seemed to have classed it as scare mongering bollocks. Funny that. Did those who believed in the rapture, are they now going to challenge and possible change their belief systems based on the evidence presented? No, of course not. Critial thinking has no part to play in religious beliefs. For if we look at science and the evidence, all religions, and other control systems, simply fall apart.

Today I am not interested in having a pop at religion or those who believe that the end is nigh. Instead I want to talk about the fact that your world will end one day and have you made the most of your brief time upon this earth? I know a lot of religions believe that there is some form of afterlife, usually promising a greater existence than the one we have now. For the sake of this post, let’s assume that we only have this lifetime, or at least this lifetime on earth.

Like most people I am quite scared of death. I have no religious orientation and what happens when my time is up is somewhat of a mystery to me at the moment. I guess I will find out what happens when the time comes. Due to modern medicine and improvements in quality of life, we are all living longer and hopefully more healthily. However our time here on earth can be cut short at any time for a countless amount of reasons.

When I die I want to be able to look back and think to myself that I have led a good life. I have done the things I wanted to, seen the most interesting places and formed and nurtured relationships with those around me. Not only do I want to be able to look back and think this, I want to think every day that my life is great. I am not one for delaying pleasure, I want to experience what life has to offer now.

In the last few years I have really worked on my life and I am yielding the fruits of my labour now. As a therapist I have to listen to other people’s despair and it made me realise just how fortunate I am. A lot of people who I have worked with have had a near death experience, either through some form of attack, accident or medical issue i.e. surviving cancer. From spending so much time with such incredible people who have touched the void of life and are now living it to the full. I owe it to those who are no longer with us, to live my life well and to encourage others to do the same.

I hate very few things in life. Brown sauce, tomato ketchup and James Corden, are among the things I can’t stand, however the thing I despise the most is something called “learned helplessness”. This crippling psychological condition is responsible for keeping people stuck in life, leading to a range of issues including low self esteem, depression, weakened immune system and even suicide.

Learned helplessness was first discovered in 1967 by an American Psychologist called Martin Seligman. He ran a series of tests on animals who were subjected to electrical shocks. The animals were put into groups, some of them could control the shocks they received by them pressing a lever, others had the same lever but it did not reduce the shocks. The first group quickly learned that they could control the amount of pain they received. The second group learned that whatever they did they still got the electrical shocks. Even when placed in different test setting, the first group animals were able to escape the pain, while the second group simply lied down and accepted there was nothing they could do, even though the opportunity to escape or stop the pain was made available to them. The second group of animals had learned that their actions had no impact and were therefore helpless, although in reality if they had simply tried they would have got results. This is how so many people live their lives today, in a way of not being able to control anything and being at the mercy of others.

When I work with clients I can usually tell who are going to get the best results quite early on. It doesn’t matter what the client has been subjected to, everything from early abuse issues through to a recent violent attack. I know that those who are able to follow simple instructions will get results. It breaks my heart when I have a client who I know could get results if they only tried, but they have learned that whatever they do doesn’t work, so why bother? Until a person actually realises that they have the power to change their life, nothing will ever work. Once they realise do have control over their life, then the possibilities are literally endless. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a client coming to this realisation and starting to take control of their life. To me, this is real inner game.

We all want to be happy, but very few of us actually are. We are brought up in a society that is built on greed and material wealth, unreachable physical perfection and a rolling 24 hour fear mongering media. No wonder so many people have given up on their lives and now take what is given to them, rather than go out and create results. I know that the vast majority of people who read this post or anything to do with pick up, will simply read it and do nothing with the information. Reading theory will never bring results, it simply allows you to feel like you are in control, but information that cannot be put into action isn’t worth knowing. This only leads to frustration and the need to learn more theory.

From working on the PUA Training bootcamps, with residential students and with hundreds of private clients, I have seen what can really change people’s perspective in life and therefore the results they create. I do not believe in luck, I believe in hard work and opportunity. I have put together a few tips on how to start to change your life and to make the most of your time on this planet of ours. Please remember that the solutions to our problems are always much simpler than the problem itself. The more simple the solution, the more effective it usually is. Just because something sounds so simple and common sense, please don’t dismiss it. Those who are quick to criticise are usually those who need to action the following steps the most. There is a world of difference between common sense and common practice.

Tip 1. Analyse your life. Cut out or minimise negative activities, people and places.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first actually understand what you life consists of now. Humans are extremely predictable and have very strong pattern behaviour, although we are usually blind to it ourselves. I personally use a 30 minute daily planner (email me if you want it) which allows me to see exactly how I am spending my time and what I am doing. After a week, or even a few days, you will start to spot your patterns and where you can start to make changes.

Before you can start to put in new activities and ways of spending your time, you need to start to cut out the crap. This includes activities, people and places. Remember, the past is gone, the future doesn’t exist, it is what you do now that is important. Where you choose to spend your time, who with and what doing is 100% under your control. Spend your time wisely. If you spend time with people you don’t really like, change it. If you have a job you don’t enjoy, it is your responsibility to do something about it. If you do the same old boring routine every week, then change what you are doing if you want to get different results.

Tip 2. Look after your health

I am no saint by any means, however since my 30^th birthday I have made a large change in my life. I decided to stop drinking, I am not sure for how long as of yet. It has been 2 months and I have no intention to start again anytime soon.

I decided to stop drinking it was having a detrimental impact upon my health, and bank balance. I wish I was one of those people who could have just one or two drinks on an evening, however when I get started I go for it and it isn’t long before I am on the shots. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was drinking most nights, either in the pub or at home. Every morning/afternoon I would wake up feeling terrible and lacked motivation to actually do anything. How I even made it to 30 is beyond me.

Since I stopped drinking I have changed a number of habits. By making a change like this, other changes happen as a consequence. For example in the mornings I am able to get up without wanting to die. I have rejoined the gym and go three times a week. My diet has drastically improved. My overall energy levels have sky rocketed and my productivity is off the scale. Overall I feel much better, more motivated and physically stronger.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first take control of your body. You do not eat or drink anything by accident!

Tip 3. Treat someone to something

Although this seems to be frowned upon in the pick up community, I am proud to say I am a nice guy. I make a habit to do nice things for other people, on a regular basis. I love nothing more than taking someone out for dinner, to a show or to do something else fun. Just this weekend I took a very special friend to the theatre for her birthday. She told me it was the nicest present she had ever gotten. Hearing that alone was worth 100 times the cost of the tickets.

Doing something nice for someone doesn’t have to be expensive. I also like cooking for people or taking them to really nice part of London for a walk. I also listen to people and make them feel great about themselves. This is a skill I think everyone should learn.

Think about someone you know and something you would like to treat them to. A friend you haven’t seen for a while or even a family member. When you are nice to other people, they are nice to you. Don’t expect the other person to ever go first, always lead when it comes to giving and generosity.

Tip 4. Treat yourself.

Thankfully I have inexpensive tastes. When I used to drink I used to love drinking champagne (but had beer money). I used to try and motivate myself into doing things on a reward basis, but now I realise to just treat myself all the time and this motivates me more.

A few things that I love with a passion are coffee, massages and going to Primrose Hill (a really nice place in London for those who don’t know about it).

I live in Muswell Hill and there is an old style shop called “Martyns” that roasts their own coffee beans. The coffee they sell is amazing and I am frequent customer. I am having a cup now!  Good times. I am easily pleased it seems.

When I first moved to London I lived on a sofa for several months and also wore a man bag. This royally screwed up my left shoulder and I have had to have physiotherapy to try and rectify the issue. As part of the recovery I was told to go for deep tissue massages, which really hurt but leave you feel amazing afterwards. I now go for a massage at least once every two weeks and my back has never been in better shape.

I also love going to Primrose Hill. The area itself is a pretty part of Regents Park which overlooks London. I like nothing more than strolling around spotting celebrities and pretending I live there! The best thing about it, that it is totally free to do.

Always include into your weekly routine things that bring you pleasure. Don’t remove pleasure from your life to motivate yourself into changing. The more pleasure you inject into your life, the more motivated and passionate you become.

Tip 5. Make a list of 5 places you want to visit

People always talk about the places they would like to visit, yet they have a list of excuses for why they have not yet been. Your life could end any day, so instead of wishing you could have been to these places, make plans to actually go.

Make a list of 5 places that you want to visit and set about making this a reality. If you don’t have the time or money, this is something to work on. Find the time and make the money!

Tip 6. Make a list of 5 things you want to do.

Along with places you want to visit, think about things you want to do. Why haven’t you done these things already? Write down your excuses and see what you can work on to make these things a reality.

When I tell people about this they instantly say silly things that they don’t really want to do. Sky diving, bungee jumping and swimming with dolphins all top the list. But do you actually want to do these things?

I believe that the trick here is to make realistic goals that are within your grasp. When you start to achieve small goals, it starts to propel you into setting and achieving larger ones.

To give you an idea, some of the things I want to do are;

Lose 20 KG by Christmas

To go to London Zoo Late Night opening

Go on a boat trip in Camden

To produce websites which generate passive income

To buy a made to measure suit

So all my goals are different and will require different amounts of effort. Going on boat trip and going to the zoo are obviously the easiest and I will have done both of these within the next 2 weeks, weather permitting. The other goals will take longer, however I know I will do them.

Write down a list of things that you want to do. Don’t stop at 5, just keep writing. Once you have a decent list, start to pick some to actually work on. When it comes to game, what do you want to do? Do you want to go and speak to that girl in the office, or even the girl you see on the bus every day. You may want to take the bootcamp or residential or even just commit to going out and opening 5 sets. Something that people ofen say to me on the bootcamp or residential is “why didn’t I do this years ago?”.

Tip 7. Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for

Every day we are bombarded with things that we apparently need in our life to be happy. From the latest phone, car, watch, clothes or lifestyle in general. When you watch programs like Sex and the City or Jersey Shores like they are a documentary, it is easy to think your own life is rubbish. The more we have the more we want. We tend to see what we don’t have, not what we do have. This way of experiencing life always leaves us feeling unfulfilled and lowers our self esteem.

I first learned how to adopt a grateful attitude when I became a therapist. Like everyone I have my own problems, but when I had to listen to those of other people, I quickly realised that I was very fortunate.

It sometimes takes an event to make us realise what we have and to cherish it, rather than wanting more all the time. Last year I got a serious eye infection and I was close to losing my sight in my left eye. The infection was caused by a contact lens and I was unable to see properly for several months. It causes massive amounts of pain, endless hours of waiting in hospitals and many sleepless nights. Thankfully after several interventions the doctors were able to stop the infection and save my cornea. I was incredibly thankful for my sight. Only recently I have been able to wear contact lenses again and the world has never looked so good.

I start every single day by writing down 3 things I am thankful for. By changing how my brain scans the world, from what I don’t have to what I do have, it makes a massive difference. Ok so I will never be able to have laser eye surgery now, but I can wear contacts and glasses and see. I will never be a model but I can lose weight and take care of myself. I can never get back the time I wasted in my life, but I can make the most of now and the future.

Get a piece of paper and write down things you are thankful for. Once you start writing you begin to feel much better, it is weird. Make sure this list is in an accessible place and you read it regularly. You can change how you see the world, but it takes time and practice.

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I know that my life could end any day. I also know that when that day comes I will look back on my life and know that I have spent my time well and overall it has been bloody brilliant. Now turn off your laptop for a while and actually do something you have read in this post. Please post here what it is and any changes you have made. You can also email me personally at any time for help and/or advice.

Until I get conclusive proof that there is life after death, I am going to assume that our time here is probably all we get. We tend to regret the things we haven’t done, not things we did. Spend your time wisely, live a happy life and don’t listen to people who talk about the end of the world.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Hey guys

Today I am going to talk about emotional pain and our strategies for dealing with it.

Yesterday I went to see a brilliant hypnotherapist called Andrew T Austin, to work on some of my own issues. Andrew’s background involves working in trauma departments in hospitals and also with psychiatric patients. He has specialised in helping people with depression and dealing with emotional pain. What surprised me was that he told me that life is suffering, and it is how we deal with this that really matters.

Life is not meant to be a utopian existence where everything is fantastic and pain free. This is where I believe many people get caught out as this is what we are sold on a daily basis by drug companies, the media, the self help industry and anyone else who can profit out of such a proposed existence. Having a pain free life is impossible, the result of not achieving this is often depression and not fulfilling our goals and potential.   

Like Andrew, I work as a therapist, and we both see clients who are suffering with emotional pain. I have noticed that as humans we are very poor and ill-equipped at dealing with emotional pain and we have a very low tolerance level to it. Our fears have a strong hold over us and our behaviour. When faced with emotional discomfort we have our favourite coping strategies that we rely on. Such distraction techniques help us to dim the pictures in our mind and quieten the voices in our head. Distraction may work in the short term but it is often our strategies that exacerbate our problems. The most common coping strategies we tend to adopt are drinking, smoking, texting, drug use (both prescription and illegal), excessive TV, hiding ourselves away from the world, internet, porn, shopping, gambling, video games and comfort eating. I am sure there is a whole load more that people use too but these seem to be the most common when I deal with clients.

Today, fate dealt me a bitter piece of news. I have just found out that I have irreversible hearing loss in my left ear, making me partially deaf. This has been a problem I have been working on for several years and up until now my doctors have always been very optimistic that it is something they could treat. Despite previous efforts and treatments, my new doctor told me that the nerve in my ear was damaged and it is more serious than previously diagnosed. I asked if anything could be done, he said that the only thing they can offer is a hearing aid, if the condition worsens. Apart from that, nothing can be done.

After hearing the news from my doctor I felt extremely down and sorry for myself. I went through the cliché “why me” questions and suddenly felt very depressed and alone. At times like this I like to put on the TV or go online and try to busy myself rather than face the painful emotional issue. This time however, I decided to embrace the emotional pain, rather than running from it. For a while it felt horrible and I got very strong urges to do other things to distract myself. After a little while I got used to the pain and instead of thinking about how to make myself feel better in the short term, I focused on what I can do to solve the problem. My issue can not be treated, this I have now accepted. In the future it may worsen and if that is the case I can turn up the tv, I can ask people to speak louder and if I have to I can get a hearing aid. Apart from that, I can not do anything so I realised there is no point feeling bad about it and instead to focus on my other goals. It was a rather strange yet liberating experience.

What Andrew taught me was to embrace the emotional pain, that way you can build up a tolerance to it. Building up a tolerance makes it easier to deal with when it comes up again in the future, instead of running your same old distraction methods (drink, tv, drugs etc) and allows you to be creative and adaptive and make much better choices that carry long term benefits.

A good example of embracing emotional pain is approaching girls. I specialise in working with guys with approach anxiety and helping them to overcome it. Recently I worked with a client who had severe approach anxiety and he was not even able to go and ask a girl the time, let alone get her phone number. After doing a brief hypnotherapy session we uncovered the source of the anxiety and he started to embrace the emotional pain instead of running away from it. As usual it was linked to issues at school and these experiences had infiltrated their way in to most areas of his life. Once he was able to embrace the pain it allowed him to work with it rather than run from it. Shortly after I got him to approach a girl to get the time. He was able to do it although he was extremely nervous and could barely get a word out. He was however, able to do it. The next girl he went to speak to he was much better, this time he asked her the time and talked a little bit about why she was in London.  The more he exposed himself to the emotional pain in a controlled way, the more he could deal with it. The more he can recognise and deal with the pain, the more options it gives him in a situation. After the 4th or 5th girl he was able to approach, ask for the time, have a short conversation and even do a bit of kino. By the 10th girl he was starting to even enjoy the process and managed to get the girls number. By the end of the session he had a considerable shift in his confidence levels. He had faced his fears and by embracing them instead of running away, he had started to overcome them.

I think that as humans we are bad at dealing with emotional pain because we simply do not understand it. Physical pain is easy to understand, you bang your toe and it hurts. Although you might be in physical pain you understand why it was caused and therefore what you need to do to make it stop. Emotional pain is different, we are not sure why it is caused, how long it will last or how to deal with it. This makes emotional pain much more complex and difficult to work with and treat than a physical injury.

Before I said that it is often our coping strategies that exacerbate our problems. I worked with a guy recently who spends 6-7 hours a day playing video games. He wants to get a girlfriend and build a social life, but he said he is too depressed to do so. The client told me that he is depressed so he plays video games, I see it the other way round. He plays videos games and this makes him depressed. Whenever he feels lonely or down, instead of embracing the emotional pain and working with it, he distracts himself with video games. If he instead embraced the pain, worked with it and changed his strategy to going out and meeting people, he would move closer to his goals. We do not realise the damage our strategies are doing until it is often too late. The only thing we have is time, so the sooner we start to embrace emotional pain and change our strategies, the better our results and quality of life will be.

Try out this exercise, for the next few days just observe your own emotional reactions and coping mechanisms. White down how you are feeling and what you are doing as a result. Also write down your most important goals that you want to focus on. After a few days read your notes and see what strategies you use the most and if they are conducive to your goals.

Once you have started to identify your coping strategies, ask yourself “what part of this is actually helping me?” and “by doing this, what feeling is it allowing me to avoid”. If your strategy is not helping you need to consider changing it. As humans we have an overwhelming design to be right, by choosing methods and sticking to them rather than admitting we are wrong, even if our chosen methods are destructive to our goals.

By understanding what feelings it is you are trying to avoid you can start to expose yourself to them in a controlled way. By doing so you will start to build up a tolerance level, you will start to gain control over emotions, rather than them controlling you.

Our current coping methods are typically referred to as our “comfort zone”. It is called a comfort zone because everything is nice, comfy and safe. While that may be a pleasant environment to existence in, it is extremely limiting and keeps us from progressing in life. When we do not progress and achieve our goals it can cause stress, depression and even more reliance on our strategies i.e. drinking. It is simply a cycle and it can be broken, but only through embracing painful emotions and taking action.

I have found that people want to confident about something before they do the action. People also seem to forget that there are skill sets you need to learn to be able to carry out certain actions. A recent client asked me to make him a good public speak but he has terrible stage fright. I informed him that I can help him face the emotional issues and reduced the anxiety, but public speaking is a skill set that he will need to go and learn.

One golden rule I have learned in life is “competence equals confidence”. You can not feel confident about something until you have done it. Once you do an action over and over and deal with the painful emotional issues, you develop confidence.

So to use this information I suggest doing the following steps;

1. Write down and identify your current strategies
2. Write down the emotions and experiences you are avoiding
3. Write down your most important goals
4. Ask yourself what part of your current strategies are helping you to achieve your goals
5. Change your strategy and slowly embrace the painful emotions
6. Increase the exposure level to gain control over the emotional issue and expand your comfort zone

I hope you found this post useful. Remember, embracing painful emotions is like lifting weights to training your muscles. The more you train, the stronger you become.

HypnoMatt