Posts Tagged ‘matt kendall’

Hey guys

A lot of the pick up world seems to focus on getting rock star lifestyle. Rocking up to some high end club with 20 girls in tow, sitting at a private table, drinking champagne and having an after party until the wee hours at some penthouse apartment. This sounds lovely, but I have found that a lot of men, including myself, have absolutely no desire to live this kind of lifestyle.

So what happens to us regular dudes who just want to meet a nice girl and have a relationship? Are we boring? If so will learning game help or hinder our success with finding a girl whom we are compatible with?

The first question to ask yourself is what do you want? Some guys do want to go out and live the rock star life, and that is cool. Learning game is certainly going to help you to achieve this to some degree. I however take a different take on this. I don’t really like clubs, I don’t drink, I don’t like people who go to clubs, I don’t like staying out that late and I like to get up the next day and do things rather than feel like crap. I like more boring activities such as exploring London, spending time with friends, going to gigs and events, organising seminars and workshops, drinking nice coffee and eating out. Hardly rock ‘n’ roll, but I like it.

If you have recently got into game and are now thinking that you have to go out to bars and clubs to meet people, then rest assured that this is not the case. If you are looking to kiss and f close girls, then yes going out to these types of venues are your best bet. But if you are looking for a relationship, then I advise using the skills you learn in game and putting them to use in other places.

One thing you can not avoid is going out and talking to people. You do not learn social skills and game by sitting and home and reading articles like this. You learn it by going out and being with people, the right sort of people. I truly believe that inner game and confidence is built upon success rather than this weird notion that we have to go out and fail 99%. I don’t like failing at things and I try to avoid it when possible. I like to plan things then put them into action.

If you are looking to make a genuine connection with a girl then you are going to have patience. Love at first sight is very rare, instead love usually takes a while to develop through spending time with someone. I have found that the vast majority of people I know in relationships met their partners in one of 4 ways. Those ways of meeting were; educational facility (school, university, college etc), social circle (friends or friends of friends), at work or through a shared hobby or passion. I don’t know many people in relationships who met their partner in a bar or club.

If you are not in education, have exhausted your social circle and there is no one at work that suits you, then you need to look at taking up some new interests and hobbies. If you continue to spend your time with the same people then you are not likely to get any different results. You need to look at what you are doing, the results it is getting you and how you can make changes.

I worked with a client a few months ago who wanted to get back into a relationship. He is a rather quite guy, works in finance and enjoys nothing more than long country walks and cooking. He was rather disheartened with his pick up results as he was meeting loud and obnoxious women who weren’t his type. To be fair he was going to dingy crap clubs and meeting very drunk women. He doesn’t like clubbing, he should never have been in that environment.

When it comes to meeting people you are likely to have a connection with, you need to focus your efforts. My favourite resource is www.meetup.com. There are other similar websites such as City Socialising and Spice. These sites are like portals, a place where you can meet people with similar interests. You can also read your weekly entertainment listings as well as checking online directories.

My best advice is to get known within some sort of scene instead of just going to general events. One guy emailed me last week to say he is going out 4 times a week but unable to build a solid social circle. He is going to singles events and after work drinks type of stuff, so there is not much substance to hold the group together. To get the best results you need to think about a scene or something more substantial to get interested and involved in.

What is important is that whatever you decide to do, you should be doing it through interest and not just to meet women. If you current go to places you don’t really enjoy just to meet girls, than this will shine through. Guys who go to salsa classes are a classic example of this. If you have a genuine interest in something then this will shine through and real and genuine connections can be made, not only with potential partners but new guy friends too.

Some great activities that I have found to work really well with guys who I have monitored over the years include;

Classes and courses. Everything from learning a new language to self development seminars.  

Arts and crafts. Taking up photography, painting, dancing and other creative activities.    

Music. Either playing an instrument or going to see gigs. People bond effortlessly over music especially when it is a love of the same kind e.g. ska, rap, acoustic etc. The more niche the better.

Charity/volunteer work. Getting involved with some sort of charity activity or event. Sponsored runs and events always bring people together.

Sport. Getting involved with a sport or outdoor pursuit helps to unite people.

If you are not a fan of bars and clubs then I advise to stay out of them. Focus your attention on meeting people in places where you are going to have a real reason to talk and let the connection form more naturally over a longer period of time.

Please remember, you meet very few people at home. The girls and the life you desire are not going to come and find you.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Hey guys

Thanks for all the emails and comments about the previous blogs.

Today’s blog is all about taking action and quitting your bullshit whining. This blog is going to have some basic common sense tips. If you like follow them and you are likely to get results. Alternatively you can carry on reading theory and making up pointless and ever increasing in size excuses to why you are not taking action.

As men, we don’t like making mistakes especially in front of other people or in a scenario where we could face our ultimate fear, being rejected by a girl we like. This is why only a very small percentage of people who ever get into game will actually go out and apply what they know in field. It is likely that he only time these people will ever try stuff out is when they are a bootcamp or seminar and an instructor is making them do it.

Because of our fear of rejection and doing things wrong, we spend a lot of time learning theory before we even take the first step. In game there is so much contradicting theory that we are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused with the inability to take any action at all. By reading theory it gives us the false pretence and assurance that we are actually doing something, you aren’t! You do NOT learn game by reading books. The only place to learn social skills and game is in field. No if’s, no but’s.

This post is not about being vague, it is about giving you actual action steps. These steps work. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients and been able to monitor their successes over several years. I can only tell you what I have found to work, I can not make you do anything.   

Natural game is NOT just being yourself!

I have a lot of guys telling me that they want to be natural. They seem to think that by being natural it means they don’t have to change anything about themselves. Being natural at something simply means being very good at a skill set. It does not mean you keep doing what you are already doing. What you are currently doing isn’t working, if it was you would not be reading about these materials.

I do not believe in having what the industry refers to as “canned patterns” or “routines”. I do however believe in being very well prepared and being very good at the skills we teach. If you follow what we tell you, then it will improve your results. If you learn all the skills from opening, transitioning, kino, conversation, elicitation and persuasion, closing, text/email/phone game, dates and escalation then you will become “natural” at meeting women. Each part of game is broken down into small parts. You need to learn them all and practice. You simply can not expect to become a natural without actually learning these skills.

I like to think of natural game as like learning the guitar. You do not become “natural” until you learn how the instrument works and you follow the scales, chords and sequences. Only when you are very good, do you appear to be “natural”. It takes a lot of work to make something look easy.

The future is NOT going to be ok without change

A lot of people who I work with have a romantic idea of the future, which allows them to be lazy in the present. People take a bootcamp thinking it will be the complete solution, it isn’t. Taking a bootcamp is not a solution to a problem, it is a training event to show you how things work. Simply attending any training event and then going home and not making any changes, will not deliver any results. Not long term at least anyway.

If you do not start to plan for the future, then things are going to get worse and worse. The longer you leave it to take any action at all, the less likely you ever take any action. Putting of actually making tangible changes because you first of all want to attend a certain course, read a book or watch a DVD etc will always keep you stuck. There will always be another course to take and another product to buy. There will not be any new breakthroughs and learning more theory will only make you more overwhelmed than you are now.

Just remember, all the time you are at home going through theory night after night. There are other guys meeting and seducing the women that you desire.

You can not therapy your way out of this.

As a therapist I take a very strong view of taking action to get over and past problems. Most often the simplest answer is the correct one to take. If you are not meeting new people, then you need to go out more and to different places. If you are overweight, you need to lose weight. If you are badly dressed, you need to see a stylist. If you live in a boring place, you need to move. We don’t make up the rules, we simply follow them to gain maximum effect.

Therapy does have its place, especially change work (what I specialise in). However if you do not couple therapy with taking action, then once again you will not make any real changes in your life. You do not get over social anxiety by hiding away from the world, you need to integrate into society in a slow and methodical way.

What you are already doing is not working

When we work with guys, we often hear things like “this just isn’t me”, or “it feels weird”. Yes, that is because you are doing new things. If you want to change your results, you need to change your method.

Let’s take a simple scenario of going up to a girl to ask her where Starbucks is. A standard PUA functional approach. Going up to a beautiful girl and asking her where somewhere is may feel weird, only because what you usually do is see her, not approach and then beat yourself up about not approaching afterwards.

What you are dong isn’t working. You need to change your method. We help guys with step by step strategies on how to meet and speak with girls. Once you have done this a LOT and had constructive criticism then it feels fun and natural. The good feelings come as a result, not a precursor. 

No one cares about your excuses

Your excuses keep you stuck and no one cares about them. A good example is a guy I was with the other day who’s facebook profile was terrible. There were loads of pictures of him out in clubs looking really drunk. I told him he should remove 95% of all his pictures because they are likely to put high quality girls off. His response is that it is his friends who tag him. My response “it is YOUR profile, you are responsible for it!”.

When I work in therapy I charge by the hour. If the client is more than 10 minutes late I cancel their appointment but still charge them. I need the full hour with the client to be able to do my work. I am always on time and I live about an hour away from my clinic. Whatever someone’s excuse is, I do not accept it. Not knowing where the clinic is, the tube line being closed, stuck in traffic etc are all the problems of the client.

So why do I take such a harsh approach, because I see things in black or white. I have an engineering background and in my view something is either a 1 or a 0. There is absolutely no grey area. Excuses are all in the 0 category. You either approached the girl or you didn’t, you either went for the close or you didn’t. All the reasons why are meaningless, they just allow you to feel better about not taking action.

Stop giving yourself excuses and learn the art of self discipline. No one is going to take care of you, you need to man up and face reality. When I work with people and I tell them what steps to take, I always get responses like “but I am lazy”, “I procrastinate”, “I am not self disciplined”, “I can’t be bothered”. I have a standard response to all of these justifications; “I could not give a shit about your pathetic excuses. Whether you do what I show you or not, I still get paid. It is 100% up to you to get off your ass and start putting these things into action. All the time you are sitting around moping, other guys are out there seducing the girls that you desire”.

Keep it simple and one step at a time 

One of the reasons I love working on the PUA Training bootcamp is because we take things one step at a time. We teach opening, then we take guys out and get them opening. We work like this all through the weekend, teaching then applying.

When learning game men always read all the theory yet take no action. Too many options usually leads to no option being taken at all. By reading book after book, you fill your head with information but you do not take the actions to turn this into knowledge. It is time to take a step back, look at what you are doing and working on things one step at a time.

Look at the materials we provide, read Richards book and see the steps. Work on the first step, get it mastered and then move on. There is no reason to learn about transitioning, kino or escalation if you are unable to go and open a single girl.

Learning game is not an overnight success, it is an evolution. You need to take things slowly and make it part of your daily life. We live in an on demand society where we want things right away. Slow down, make realistic goals and work hard on them before moving on.

The girls you desire are not going to come and find you 

If you want top quality girls, then you are going to have to earn them. No amount of affirmation, asking the universe or learning theory will ever make this happen. The basics of PUA are all centred around biological attraction and natural selection. Attraction is not a choice, it is how the species procreates. 

Conclusion 

We can show you what works, we are not saying it is right or wrong, it is just what works. I often have guys email me saying how unfair things are and why their problems are special. I have had numerous arguments on forums over the same things. We don’t make the rules, but they apply to us all. You can either argue against them, or learn how they work and use them to your advantage.

So what needs to happen for you to start taking action? What action will you take first? If you don’t take this action, how will your life go?

This is the time to realise you are 100% responsible for your own actions and what you do in life. The world will not chance to suit your needs, you have to adapt to it.

Make a plan, get on with it, stop whinging.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Hey guys

I promise that this post will be shorter than the last one. I think I got RSI from writing the last post.

What I want to talk about today is the topic of wasting time and effort on girls and how you can turn that arround. When you waste time and effort, not only can you never make that time up again, but it also makes you feel crap, lowers your self esteem and makes you less likely to go after the girls who will actually be responsive to you.

Before I learnt about game, I was very much into marketing. I used to be a club and band promoter, this taught me how to make money and focus my efforts on the right people. I believe that a massive part of self esteem comes through getting results. If this is the case shouldn’t we be focused on going for the right types of people which will generate the best results, rather than just hoping for the best?

When I got into promoting bands in Manchester I learnt very quickly that the general population had absolutely no interest in going to see unsigned bands in a pub function room on a Wednesday night. I could have spent a lot of money advertising the gigs on the front of the local papers, but this would have had barely any impact at all. The only people who are interested in seeing unsigned bands (when they are starting out at least) and friends and family of the band members and a few music enthusiasts. I had a system where the bands had to purchase a certain amount of tickets in advance in order to play a gig. This method is also known as “pay to play”. It is hated by musicians as they have to now put in the effort of getting people there as they have a financial investment. However this also meant that every gig I did made money, plus there was always a decent crowd for the bands to play to. I promoted over 100 music events in Manchester and gained a good reputation. Although I used a system that bands didn’t initially like, I still had about a ratio of 3 bands per 1 slot available.

While I was a band promoter I got to meet a lot of interesting characters. One night I was out with a lead singer of a band, who lets say was “unconventional” looking. He was ugly. However he was amazingly successful with girls. He was a very charismatic singer and went to a lot of after parties, a simple yet effective system. One night I was out with him and I spotted a group of 4 girls. I dared him to go over and speak to them. He looked at me totally confused as to why he would do that. He explained that they have no idea who he is and therefore will not be successful. This is when I really started to understand about targeted marketing and going after low hanging fruit. You can take someone who is amazingly successful, but if he is approaching the wrong sort of people then even he will get poor results.

When I first became a hypnotherapist, like most others I decided to cover every single issue under the sun. I used to do everything from weight loss, to stop smoking, to fears and phobias and even such crap as past life regression. I was competing in a cut throat industry and spreading myself far too thinly. I was literally begging people to come and so sessions with me and I used to undercut my competitors on price. I used to work all hours of the day and night and do as the client requested rather than doing the sessions how I wanted to. Then one day I was speaking to a marketing expert, who just did stop smoking sessions. He told me that I had to specialise or I would always find making a living as a therapist hard and I was likely to go out of business. This really resonated with me and I decided to get into what I knew best, social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Once I knew my direction, it allowed me to focus my efforts. I went on every course I could, I read every book on the subject and I shadowed every therapist that would let me. I researched, tried and tested every technique related to anxiety. This is something that I continue to this day and always will. Once I got really good at this type of work I was then able to advertise my services to those people who were actually looking. When you focus your efforts and work with the right people, your results grow exponentially.

So how does this relate to game? Well I see game like marketing and once you break it down and analyse it you can start to improve each part to maximise the results. The product or service that you offer is yourself, the market is the girls you want to be with and then you use game techniques (opening, closing, escalation etc) as the selling process. Once you know your market and how to present yourself best, then your results will drastically improve. Most people have no idea what they are trying to achieve, who they are trying to attract or how to analyse their results. No wonder people feel lost and like giving up.

Ok let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Recently I was working with a client who was Muslim, based in London and was looking to find a girl who he could settle down with and start a family. The girl also had to be Muslim who also had similar life goals. He liked the homely and caring types who didn’t drink and were career focused. He liked girls who were classy, well educated and enjoyed talking about philosophy and religion. He himself was a successful businessman with great prospects. He was a very good catch for someone who wanted to settle down and start a family. He was currently getting really poor results from game, to the extent that he his family were on the brink of arranging a marriage for him.

So where was this guy going to meet his future wife? He currently spent his time going to student nights at crap hole nightclubs in the West End of London. One particular night he went to every week was famous for selling all drinks for £1. See this is where I have to sit back and see if the penny drops, in this case it didn’t so I had to spell it out for him.

I said to him, “So let me make sure I understand. You are looking to meet a Muslim girl who you can settle down with. You don’t like girls who drink, you like the homely type who are well educated and career focused. You also want them to be a good conversationalist who likes to talk about religion and philosophy. Let me ask you, how many of these girls do you think go to a £1 a drink night at a crap hole club during the week?”. He looked rather puzzled and after a few moment he said “probably not that many, but there are lots of girls there”.

Let’s look at this in detail. Say there are 1000 girls in the club, how many are first of all likely to be Muslim? Let’s say 15% (I am just using made up numbers for example’s sake). Out of that 150 how many are likely to be living in London and not a tourist, who don’t drink and are career focused and looking to start a family within the next couple of years. We are probably down to single figures by now. Not only does he have to go and find these girls but he is also facing such issues as loud music, her friends and lots and lots of other guys. No wonder he is getting poor results. As I explained all this to him, he started to understand what I was on about but then looked disheartened. “So you are saying it is a lost cause and I should just give up?” At the moment he was going out 2-3 times a week and opening approximately 15 girls per night. So he was efficient in his approach, however he was not being effective. “No my friend, I suggest you change what you are doing to get better results” was my answer.

We first of all gather some information about the girls he was attracted to and built a bit of a profile about them. We then consulted my best friend in the world, Google. Within minutes we had found a Muslim only dating site, and a Muslim philosophy discussion group that was held in his local area. Within a month of going to these focused events he got into a steady relationship with a great girl. They are still together 6 months later and look set for a great future together. He has not been to a £1 a drink night since and his self esteem is at an all time high.

When you don’t approach game with an analytical attitude then you end up just going out for the sake of it. Without a plan you will of course feel lost and have no idea where you are going wrong or right. Getting numbers will be something of chance and then converting those numbers to dates will be a difficult process. All this leads to wasted effort, poor results which of course turns into low self esteem and lack of motivation.

While in Manchester I became very friendly with a guy who ran a speed dating company. When I asked him why he started to do this, he said it was simple. He was single and he wanted to meet a lot of single girls who were looking to meet guys. He didn’t want to go to the events himself as this would put on the same level as the guys who attended. By organising the events, he not only had all the girls details and could speak to them about dating, but he was also of higher value at the events. To me this is a work of genius.

One common problem I see with guys is the whole “oneitus” AKA unrequited love. Basically when you really like a girl but it has not gone anywhere and is not very likely to happen anyway. People spend so much of their time investing into this one person, that they are now in what I like to call an investment trap. By giving up on this person and going after new people, they feel like all the time leading up to this has been a waste of time and therefore they have to continue. This makes no sense at all and just leads to investing more and more time and therefore strengthening the problem. A good pick up artist knows two things, what kind of girls to go for and when to call it quits.

If you are in an investment trap with a girl, you have to ask yourself “what I am doing, how is it working out so far?”. By continuing to the same things you are likely to get the same results. I advise to change your methods by going out and meeting different people. The one girl who you have invested so much in is actually more likely to be attracted to you if you are not chasing her, but instead dating other girls. You are also likely to meet girls who are even more suited to you once you change your focus.

Ok that is it for today. Think about how you are spending your time and how efficient and effective it is. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and if you are investing too much into one girl, go out and meet more people!

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Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)