Posts Tagged ‘Pick Up Women’

Hey guys

Thanks for all the emails and comments about the previous blogs.

Today’s blog is all about taking action and quitting your bullshit whining. This blog is going to have some basic common sense tips. If you like follow them and you are likely to get results. Alternatively you can carry on reading theory and making up pointless and ever increasing in size excuses to why you are not taking action.

As men, we don’t like making mistakes especially in front of other people or in a scenario where we could face our ultimate fear, being rejected by a girl we like. This is why only a very small percentage of people who ever get into game will actually go out and apply what they know in field. It is likely that he only time these people will ever try stuff out is when they are a bootcamp or seminar and an instructor is making them do it.

Because of our fear of rejection and doing things wrong, we spend a lot of time learning theory before we even take the first step. In game there is so much contradicting theory that we are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused with the inability to take any action at all. By reading theory it gives us the false pretence and assurance that we are actually doing something, you aren’t! You do NOT learn game by reading books. The only place to learn social skills and game is in field. No if’s, no but’s.

This post is not about being vague, it is about giving you actual action steps. These steps work. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients and been able to monitor their successes over several years. I can only tell you what I have found to work, I can not make you do anything.   

Natural game is NOT just being yourself!

I have a lot of guys telling me that they want to be natural. They seem to think that by being natural it means they don’t have to change anything about themselves. Being natural at something simply means being very good at a skill set. It does not mean you keep doing what you are already doing. What you are currently doing isn’t working, if it was you would not be reading about these materials.

I do not believe in having what the industry refers to as “canned patterns” or “routines”. I do however believe in being very well prepared and being very good at the skills we teach. If you follow what we tell you, then it will improve your results. If you learn all the skills from opening, transitioning, kino, conversation, elicitation and persuasion, closing, text/email/phone game, dates and escalation then you will become “natural” at meeting women. Each part of game is broken down into small parts. You need to learn them all and practice. You simply can not expect to become a natural without actually learning these skills.

I like to think of natural game as like learning the guitar. You do not become “natural” until you learn how the instrument works and you follow the scales, chords and sequences. Only when you are very good, do you appear to be “natural”. It takes a lot of work to make something look easy.

The future is NOT going to be ok without change

A lot of people who I work with have a romantic idea of the future, which allows them to be lazy in the present. People take a bootcamp thinking it will be the complete solution, it isn’t. Taking a bootcamp is not a solution to a problem, it is a training event to show you how things work. Simply attending any training event and then going home and not making any changes, will not deliver any results. Not long term at least anyway.

If you do not start to plan for the future, then things are going to get worse and worse. The longer you leave it to take any action at all, the less likely you ever take any action. Putting of actually making tangible changes because you first of all want to attend a certain course, read a book or watch a DVD etc will always keep you stuck. There will always be another course to take and another product to buy. There will not be any new breakthroughs and learning more theory will only make you more overwhelmed than you are now.

Just remember, all the time you are at home going through theory night after night. There are other guys meeting and seducing the women that you desire.

You can not therapy your way out of this.

As a therapist I take a very strong view of taking action to get over and past problems. Most often the simplest answer is the correct one to take. If you are not meeting new people, then you need to go out more and to different places. If you are overweight, you need to lose weight. If you are badly dressed, you need to see a stylist. If you live in a boring place, you need to move. We don’t make up the rules, we simply follow them to gain maximum effect.

Therapy does have its place, especially change work (what I specialise in). However if you do not couple therapy with taking action, then once again you will not make any real changes in your life. You do not get over social anxiety by hiding away from the world, you need to integrate into society in a slow and methodical way.

What you are already doing is not working

When we work with guys, we often hear things like “this just isn’t me”, or “it feels weird”. Yes, that is because you are doing new things. If you want to change your results, you need to change your method.

Let’s take a simple scenario of going up to a girl to ask her where Starbucks is. A standard PUA functional approach. Going up to a beautiful girl and asking her where somewhere is may feel weird, only because what you usually do is see her, not approach and then beat yourself up about not approaching afterwards.

What you are dong isn’t working. You need to change your method. We help guys with step by step strategies on how to meet and speak with girls. Once you have done this a LOT and had constructive criticism then it feels fun and natural. The good feelings come as a result, not a precursor. 

No one cares about your excuses

Your excuses keep you stuck and no one cares about them. A good example is a guy I was with the other day who’s facebook profile was terrible. There were loads of pictures of him out in clubs looking really drunk. I told him he should remove 95% of all his pictures because they are likely to put high quality girls off. His response is that it is his friends who tag him. My response “it is YOUR profile, you are responsible for it!”.

When I work in therapy I charge by the hour. If the client is more than 10 minutes late I cancel their appointment but still charge them. I need the full hour with the client to be able to do my work. I am always on time and I live about an hour away from my clinic. Whatever someone’s excuse is, I do not accept it. Not knowing where the clinic is, the tube line being closed, stuck in traffic etc are all the problems of the client.

So why do I take such a harsh approach, because I see things in black or white. I have an engineering background and in my view something is either a 1 or a 0. There is absolutely no grey area. Excuses are all in the 0 category. You either approached the girl or you didn’t, you either went for the close or you didn’t. All the reasons why are meaningless, they just allow you to feel better about not taking action.

Stop giving yourself excuses and learn the art of self discipline. No one is going to take care of you, you need to man up and face reality. When I work with people and I tell them what steps to take, I always get responses like “but I am lazy”, “I procrastinate”, “I am not self disciplined”, “I can’t be bothered”. I have a standard response to all of these justifications; “I could not give a shit about your pathetic excuses. Whether you do what I show you or not, I still get paid. It is 100% up to you to get off your ass and start putting these things into action. All the time you are sitting around moping, other guys are out there seducing the girls that you desire”.

Keep it simple and one step at a time 

One of the reasons I love working on the PUA Training bootcamp is because we take things one step at a time. We teach opening, then we take guys out and get them opening. We work like this all through the weekend, teaching then applying.

When learning game men always read all the theory yet take no action. Too many options usually leads to no option being taken at all. By reading book after book, you fill your head with information but you do not take the actions to turn this into knowledge. It is time to take a step back, look at what you are doing and working on things one step at a time.

Look at the materials we provide, read Richards book and see the steps. Work on the first step, get it mastered and then move on. There is no reason to learn about transitioning, kino or escalation if you are unable to go and open a single girl.

Learning game is not an overnight success, it is an evolution. You need to take things slowly and make it part of your daily life. We live in an on demand society where we want things right away. Slow down, make realistic goals and work hard on them before moving on.

The girls you desire are not going to come and find you 

If you want top quality girls, then you are going to have to earn them. No amount of affirmation, asking the universe or learning theory will ever make this happen. The basics of PUA are all centred around biological attraction and natural selection. Attraction is not a choice, it is how the species procreates. 

Conclusion 

We can show you what works, we are not saying it is right or wrong, it is just what works. I often have guys email me saying how unfair things are and why their problems are special. I have had numerous arguments on forums over the same things. We don’t make the rules, but they apply to us all. You can either argue against them, or learn how they work and use them to your advantage.

So what needs to happen for you to start taking action? What action will you take first? If you don’t take this action, how will your life go?

This is the time to realise you are 100% responsible for your own actions and what you do in life. The world will not chance to suit your needs, you have to adapt to it.

Make a plan, get on with it, stop whinging.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Hey guys

This blog is all about how to be more prepared when meeting girls and making conversations more fun and interesting. Loads of guys suffer from approach anxiety, but a lot of this is not to do with the approach itself, it is what happens afterwards. Not having things to talk about/running out of things to say, seems to cause as much anxiety as being rejected. Luckily this can be really minimised by taking a bit of time to prepare. I want to help guys meet women in more natural ways that where anxiety is minimised and conversation flows. I often feel that guys make game far too difficult for themselves and far too often overlook simple yet highly effective techniques. As usual this post will be quite random and full of terrible grammar. It has well been established that writing is not my strong point but I hope you can make some sense of it.

Firstly I think doing cold approaches is extremely difficult and this should only really be done once you have properly mastered warm approaching. Logistics also play a massive part in getting girls to stop and talk. Take today for example, it is freezing outside and London is packed with tourists and Christmas shoppers. Everyone is in a rush and probably the last thing girls want is to be stopped in Leister Square to be asked an opinion by some random dude. Today I was training on a PUA Training bootcamp and instead of doing street approaches we went to the National Gallery. My students were both fascinated by art and it made starting conversations very easy. People are much more likely to talk to you if you are discussing something external from yourselves (the pieces of art in this example) and if they are in a comfortable environment.

I know that we promote Natural Game and people are turning away from routines, however I do think having interesting stories, jokes, interesting information, knowledge and even things like magic tricks are all great ways of meeting people and getting rapport. When I meet people I always haves lot of things I know I am going to talk about and that they will get a good reaction. I then know that I can move into other areas of conversation very naturally. Some people may see these things as routines, but I have found that this is what real natural guys do anyway. They have their own things that work and they use them! I do not think you should have routines and stories that are not your own though.

When you meet a girl in a night club then you literally have nothing in common. The only thing you share is that you are both in the same place at the same time. Although this is not always the case, the more specialised the club the more you will have in common. For example if you go to a punk night in a little basement club in Camden, then you will have more in common with people there than a big West End club.

When you meet girls who you have nothing in common with then you are searching for commonalities. As there is no conversational glue or rapport builders, you have to put in a lot of effort and conversation can go dry very quickly. When there are uncomfortable silences in the first few minutes of a sarge (do we still use this word?) then this is the most guys tend to eject.

I am going to share some things with you that if you take on board it should make your conversations much easier and much more interesting. The first point that I want to share is that I never go out to do game, I just live my life and meet interesting people along the way. This style of meeting people serves me well, but I am looking to get into another relationship and not SNLs. If you are into K and F closing then this style may not be appropriate for you. I am much more interested in building social circles and having a genuinely great time, not just going out to a terrible club in the attempt to pull.

A few years ago now I though what being in a relationship would give me. The places I would go, the things I would do and experience. I then began to realise that I did not actually need to be in a relationship to experience a lot of what I wanted and therefore I no longer rely on having a girlfriend to make my life fulfilling. The one change in my perception totally changed my life and the way I addressed how I used my time. I was no longer waiting for someone to have fun, I was going to go out and have it anyway.

The first thing I did was to make a list of things I enjoy doing, places I want to go and things I want to do etc. I then went about researching these things and how I can get involved. An invaluable resource I came across was www.meetup.com. This is where you can meet up with people with a shared interest. It is totally free (although you do sometimes need to pay a few quid for the event or activity) and it is nation wide.

If you are like me then a lot of your friends are now doing things like settling down, getting married and having children. It was harder and harder to get people to come out and do the things I enjoyed. But it is hard to meet new friends, or so I though. Think about your current social circle and how you met the people within it. Most people have friends from school, uni, work and through shared interests (you both play 5 a-side etc). Some people keep the same friends for life, however this is restricting as people change and their activities diversify. You are not the same person you were 5 years ago at uni, your life may be different but other people change. Expecting them to want to do the same things as you will always cause frustration.

When I moved to London I only knew one person, my sister. Through my work, going to meet ups and spending time getting to know locals in cool pub, I have met a massive amount of new people. Not only do I know a lot of cool people but our activities and lifestyles are much more aligned than my previous social circle.

Let me give you a few examples of what I mean by this. The first thing I did was to let go of the notion od one big social circle. This is great to have at uni, when you send round a group text and 39 of you meet to go out. When you are older people are always busy and need good reason to meet. I also live in London and trying to meet up in large groups is bloody difficult. OK so some social circles I have now include one guy I just go the cinema with, one guy who I go to the pub with, loads of locals and bar staff at the pub (so much so that I get invited on staff nights out and for lock ins), therapists who do the same change work techniques as me and meet to discuss and practice, several female friends who I go for dinner with. I also have a great circle of friends who I work with who are much more into clubbing in the West End. Instead of trying to get one social circle to do a different activity, I instead just find people who are already doing it. An example I want to go on a cooking course, no one I know wants to come so I am going to go alone. I will have a great time and meet people there. Not having someone to do a certain activity with me does not stop me from doing it. There are always people out there who already do what you want to do, you just need to find them.

Not only do I have several types of social circles, I fill my calendar with things that I enjoy. I am literally out every night of the week, not always drinking but doing a range of activities. This week I have planned to meet a female friend for dinner, to do the local pub quiz, to meet with 2 other therapists to practice techniques, to cook for a friend, to go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, to go shopping in Camden, going to a talk/seminar about why religion is like a virus, to go to the cinema and possibly to go away for a city break at the weekend.

The more you plan in advance, the more you do. Those who plan their time the least will typically be those who stay in and spend a lot of time alone. I make sure that I have a full and varied week and that I am not just sat at home wishing I was more social. Since I have been going out a lot more with different kinds of people, I have barely watched any TV at all. Before I used to spend a lot of times in watching TV wondering why I was bored and lonely.

I have designed my life that it is not reliant on just one person, or group of people. I have found that a lot of people in relationships spend all their free time together and even lose their independence to some degree. When I am in a relationship my life does not alter all that much. I am not doing the mentioned activities to just meet girls, I am doing them as I enjoy them. Of course there is always compromise, however I always make sure that I retain a lot of independence and live a fulfilling life in many ways.

Whenever I go into a social situation, both new and familiar, I know I have a lot to talk about. I always have a notepad and pen on me and I make notes about things I want to talk about with that person. This alleviates anxiety massively and it allows me to prepare. A good example is that I was recently invited to a private view (where artists show off their work before it goes on general display) through a new friend. I have very little knowledge of art or the art world, but just 5 minutes preparation saw me right. I simply went onto Google and looked for recent art news stories and made notes. This game me some ammo for when I met the artists and the other people there and I was able to hold decent conversations. I was then able to move the conversations onto different subjects and themes (I will write a different blog about conversation management soon).

As I am out a lot I have a lot of stories to tell. The more things you do the more interesting you become and the more people you meet. It is like a snowball effect, but it does take some effort to get momentum at the beginning. One thing I do is I always take pictures on my iPhone and show them to people. Photos I have taken recently include my friends’ dog in sunglasses, Amy Whinehouse dancing with my dad (a very random night in Camden last week), the Christmas lights in London and the stalls at German market at the South Bank. Showing photos of fun things is a great way of building rapport with people you have just met (you can make stories out of them). This also demonstrates that you do have a fun and interesting life without them having to look at your Facebook profile. Having girls look at photos on your phone is also a great way to increase comfort and do a lot of kino.

As well as taking photos I have several other things that I do to ensure interesting conversations with people. I am learning how to do bar tricks (check something called scam school on youtube), I tell people jokes (I have the sickipedia app on my phone), I also have fun iphone apps including kissing tests and games, I love reading people their horoscopes and also I do hypnosis demonstrations (moving fingers together, getting their hands locked etc). I also make sure I keep up to date with celebrity gossip and big TV shows such as X factor. If I am going to a hypnosis or NLP meet up then I will always research the news stories, latest studies, techniques and upcoming talks and seminars.

I use a 5 step system when getting to meet girls;

Step 1
I go to somewhere I will have rapport (an event or meet up etc) and make sure I am fully armed with stories, jokes, pictures and any specific information I need.

Step 2
I meet the girl, talk to her and start to build natural connections (I use a lot of specific questioning, conversational management, state elicitation, anchoring and other techniques that I will blog about at another time)

Step 3
I take their details for a specific reason. This is not usually to meet up but because I am going to give them a url, a book recommendation or something along those lines. I then do what I promised and start to build comfort and rapport with texts, emails etc.

Step 4
I invite them to something I am already doing. I only go on standard type dates (going for dinner etc) once I am going out with the girl, not before. I don’t think dating someone you don’t really know is actually a very good way of getting to know people. As I give a lot of talks and seminars in London I often invite girls along to these. It is great social proof!

Step 5
Isolate and escalation. This doesn’t need any explanation.

There is not a time frame on these steps, I see them more as milestones that I aim for. Sometimes I get from step 1 to 4 within a week, sometimes it can take months. I not only do this with girls I want to date, but also friends (not step 5).
When I first got into game I used to do cold approaches to girls in bars and clubs. Not only did I find it difficult to do, but I also realised that I don’t really want to speak to these girls anyway. I also had a lot to contend with such as loud music, other guys, her friends, alcohol etc. Now I identify where the types of people I want to be with are, and then go there. I am much happier talking to someone at a hypnotherapy meetup about PR and marketing strategies, than speaking to some drunk tourists in a club. I found that conversation with people often dries up because you don’t actually care about the answer. Now when I meet people I am actually really interested in them and what they have to say. This makes things so much easier and more fun.

The main points I want you to take away from this post are;

Think about the things you want to do and then find people who are already doing them. Use things like meetup.com and Google in general.

Make sure you plan your time so you have a full and interesting life and not just doing the same thing each night i.e. staying in and watching TV.

Introduce structure and stick to it. It is often too easy to not go out because it is too cold or dark or because you are tired. Man up and get out!

Be prepared. I always have notes with me about things I want to talk about with people. I even do this with my closest friends.

Have things to rely on such as pictures, iPhone apps, jokes, stories, celebrity gossip etc. You can even include things like the Cube and other standard PUA stuff in here.
I like to consider myself as quite interesting a good conversationalist. I do however put a lot of work into this and it isn’t something I was born with.  I believe that being interesting is a skill set that you can learn to master. Once you have all the basics then it is really easy to be spontaneous and natural.

I have always considered natural game to be like improvising on an instrument. When you learn any instrument you first do basic exercises and scales. Once you are good at the basics and understand how the instrument works, you can then start to improvise. When you gain a lot of experience speaking with people you have things in common with, then it is much easier if you want to do cold approaches. I really do suggest to make things easier on yourself and start with warm approaches and preparing things in advance.

I hope that this post is of some help to people and that you can use some of the advice. I know a lot of the content is blatantly obvious, but ask yourself if you currently do it?

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

How many parties have you been to where you have seen a woman that you are attracted to, wanted to talk to her, but left without saying a word, or even meeting anyone new?  At the same time you might have noticed a guy who didn’t look like anything special, but who worked the room like a pro, and even took a moment to grab the number off YOUR girl!  I’m going to give you a few very simple steps which will allow you to rock up to the party and practically take it over, all without drugs, excessive alcohol, or years of extraversion training.

Step 1 – Establish a base

When you pick up women at a party, you need to immediately establish a “base”.  Before you get a drink, hang up your jacket, or go to the bathroom, look around the room and pick a friendly looking group or individual and go over with the goal of having a very short conversation.  Ask them how they know the host, ask how many people are expected, it doesn’t matter.  Have a short conversation, get their name(s), and then if you have nothing else to say, make your excuse to leave and go get that drink, hang up your coat or whatever else.

Step 2 – Work the room

Work the room.  When you get your drink, talk to people in the vicinity “interesting selection”, “what are you drinking”, “free booze, gotta love it”, “don’t they have any Cristal ’96? ;-)”  Make a comment like one of these, introduce yourself and get their name, and small talk as long as you are comfortable.  Don’t miss an opportunity to have an interaction like this – at a minimum cheers people and introduce yourself.

Now that you are “socially loose” and know a few people in the room, we are ready to pounce and get the girl.

Step 3 – Mingle with friends

When you see the girl you are interested in, see who she is with  and either use the same methods to meet them.  Ask who the friends are and be introduced and you’ll be talking to the woman you are interested in with no hard work.  The second option is to approach her directly just like all the other people you have met.  The difference is, you aren’t the weird guy standing in the corner watching her all night, you are the sociable guy who is meeting everyone and making sure they are okay.  Almost like the host might.  She’ll be warm and receptive.

Step 4 – Go for the close

Closing the deal.  At a party, there is no harsh rejection, no bitchiness, so you don’t need to lay it all on the line or go for broke, smoothness is the key.  If she is at a party, chances are she likes parties.  Tell her that you go to some really cool parties and she should come one time, bring her friends too, they seem cool.  Okay, so now all that’s left is to say “okay cool, put your number in my phone and i’ll text you next time something’s going on”.

So there we have it.  We’ve been sociable without any effort, and made meeting the “hot chick” as simple as talking to a mutual friend.  We’ve also found a nice low-pressure way to wrap things up.

I personally think picking up women at a party or gathering is easy after a few time, I’d love to know your thoughts on this, what works for you?  Have you used my tips?  Let me know….