Posts Tagged ‘pua’

“You have the most beautiful smile” Nope

“Your eyes are like the ocean” Puke.

“You don’t sweat much for a fat chick” Offensive.

“You’re so hot you make me want to get a job” Not going to do you any favours.

Why do these compliments suck?

Someone has already used them. So if you reel them out on your hot date, they’re going to roll their eyes, and move on. Because you have done nothing to separate yourself from every other guy out there.

You’ll also appear insincere by using cliches; and like you’ve watched ‘The Notebook’ one too many times. Insincerity also makes it appear like you’re not giving the compliment in a genuine way, and that in fact you just want to get something from the woman in question, like a date, a kiss, or some other kind of nooky.

So how do you avoid these pitfalls? You be specific.

A specific compliment that’s tailored to the girl will seem spontaneous, sincere and feet-sweeping awesome.

The best ones are also never about looks; but about the girl’s behaviour or personality, something that is unique to her.

For instance:

“I love the way you walk” feels romantic incomparison to the cruder “I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave”.

“I love how you’re joyously walking around eating pick and mix” will catch a girl off guard when she’s not feeling at her most glamorous.

“I love how you’re still smiling when it’s so late in your shift” works a charm on waitresses and cute shop workers.

“I admire how you told me about how you used to be a chubby, goth girl at school” will seem incredibly sincere if a girl has just opened up to you about her painful school memories on a date.

Uncertain how to make one of these compliments yourself? then just follow this simple formula:

1. Really listen to what a girl is saying if you’re on a date, or observing what she’s doing if you want to use the compliment to approach her.

2. Phrase it as ‘I like x about you’ or ‘I admire x about you’

3. Be as specific as possible: if you want to say a girl has beautiful eyes say why you think they’re beautiful.

4. Use compliments sparingly. One really good, unique comment, is so much better than telling her you love EVERYTHING about her… namely the hope that if you compliment her enough she will sleep with you.

For more hints and tips on how to speak to girls check out www.puatraining.com

Hey guys

Thanks for all the emails and comments about the previous blogs.

Today’s blog is all about taking action and quitting your bullshit whining. This blog is going to have some basic common sense tips. If you like follow them and you are likely to get results. Alternatively you can carry on reading theory and making up pointless and ever increasing in size excuses to why you are not taking action.

As men, we don’t like making mistakes especially in front of other people or in a scenario where we could face our ultimate fear, being rejected by a girl we like. This is why only a very small percentage of people who ever get into game will actually go out and apply what they know in field. It is likely that he only time these people will ever try stuff out is when they are a bootcamp or seminar and an instructor is making them do it.

Because of our fear of rejection and doing things wrong, we spend a lot of time learning theory before we even take the first step. In game there is so much contradicting theory that we are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused with the inability to take any action at all. By reading theory it gives us the false pretence and assurance that we are actually doing something, you aren’t! You do NOT learn game by reading books. The only place to learn social skills and game is in field. No if’s, no but’s.

This post is not about being vague, it is about giving you actual action steps. These steps work. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients and been able to monitor their successes over several years. I can only tell you what I have found to work, I can not make you do anything.   

Natural game is NOT just being yourself!

I have a lot of guys telling me that they want to be natural. They seem to think that by being natural it means they don’t have to change anything about themselves. Being natural at something simply means being very good at a skill set. It does not mean you keep doing what you are already doing. What you are currently doing isn’t working, if it was you would not be reading about these materials.

I do not believe in having what the industry refers to as “canned patterns” or “routines”. I do however believe in being very well prepared and being very good at the skills we teach. If you follow what we tell you, then it will improve your results. If you learn all the skills from opening, transitioning, kino, conversation, elicitation and persuasion, closing, text/email/phone game, dates and escalation then you will become “natural” at meeting women. Each part of game is broken down into small parts. You need to learn them all and practice. You simply can not expect to become a natural without actually learning these skills.

I like to think of natural game as like learning the guitar. You do not become “natural” until you learn how the instrument works and you follow the scales, chords and sequences. Only when you are very good, do you appear to be “natural”. It takes a lot of work to make something look easy.

The future is NOT going to be ok without change

A lot of people who I work with have a romantic idea of the future, which allows them to be lazy in the present. People take a bootcamp thinking it will be the complete solution, it isn’t. Taking a bootcamp is not a solution to a problem, it is a training event to show you how things work. Simply attending any training event and then going home and not making any changes, will not deliver any results. Not long term at least anyway.

If you do not start to plan for the future, then things are going to get worse and worse. The longer you leave it to take any action at all, the less likely you ever take any action. Putting of actually making tangible changes because you first of all want to attend a certain course, read a book or watch a DVD etc will always keep you stuck. There will always be another course to take and another product to buy. There will not be any new breakthroughs and learning more theory will only make you more overwhelmed than you are now.

Just remember, all the time you are at home going through theory night after night. There are other guys meeting and seducing the women that you desire.

You can not therapy your way out of this.

As a therapist I take a very strong view of taking action to get over and past problems. Most often the simplest answer is the correct one to take. If you are not meeting new people, then you need to go out more and to different places. If you are overweight, you need to lose weight. If you are badly dressed, you need to see a stylist. If you live in a boring place, you need to move. We don’t make up the rules, we simply follow them to gain maximum effect.

Therapy does have its place, especially change work (what I specialise in). However if you do not couple therapy with taking action, then once again you will not make any real changes in your life. You do not get over social anxiety by hiding away from the world, you need to integrate into society in a slow and methodical way.

What you are already doing is not working

When we work with guys, we often hear things like “this just isn’t me”, or “it feels weird”. Yes, that is because you are doing new things. If you want to change your results, you need to change your method.

Let’s take a simple scenario of going up to a girl to ask her where Starbucks is. A standard PUA functional approach. Going up to a beautiful girl and asking her where somewhere is may feel weird, only because what you usually do is see her, not approach and then beat yourself up about not approaching afterwards.

What you are dong isn’t working. You need to change your method. We help guys with step by step strategies on how to meet and speak with girls. Once you have done this a LOT and had constructive criticism then it feels fun and natural. The good feelings come as a result, not a precursor. 

No one cares about your excuses

Your excuses keep you stuck and no one cares about them. A good example is a guy I was with the other day who’s facebook profile was terrible. There were loads of pictures of him out in clubs looking really drunk. I told him he should remove 95% of all his pictures because they are likely to put high quality girls off. His response is that it is his friends who tag him. My response “it is YOUR profile, you are responsible for it!”.

When I work in therapy I charge by the hour. If the client is more than 10 minutes late I cancel their appointment but still charge them. I need the full hour with the client to be able to do my work. I am always on time and I live about an hour away from my clinic. Whatever someone’s excuse is, I do not accept it. Not knowing where the clinic is, the tube line being closed, stuck in traffic etc are all the problems of the client.

So why do I take such a harsh approach, because I see things in black or white. I have an engineering background and in my view something is either a 1 or a 0. There is absolutely no grey area. Excuses are all in the 0 category. You either approached the girl or you didn’t, you either went for the close or you didn’t. All the reasons why are meaningless, they just allow you to feel better about not taking action.

Stop giving yourself excuses and learn the art of self discipline. No one is going to take care of you, you need to man up and face reality. When I work with people and I tell them what steps to take, I always get responses like “but I am lazy”, “I procrastinate”, “I am not self disciplined”, “I can’t be bothered”. I have a standard response to all of these justifications; “I could not give a shit about your pathetic excuses. Whether you do what I show you or not, I still get paid. It is 100% up to you to get off your ass and start putting these things into action. All the time you are sitting around moping, other guys are out there seducing the girls that you desire”.

Keep it simple and one step at a time 

One of the reasons I love working on the PUA Training bootcamp is because we take things one step at a time. We teach opening, then we take guys out and get them opening. We work like this all through the weekend, teaching then applying.

When learning game men always read all the theory yet take no action. Too many options usually leads to no option being taken at all. By reading book after book, you fill your head with information but you do not take the actions to turn this into knowledge. It is time to take a step back, look at what you are doing and working on things one step at a time.

Look at the materials we provide, read Richards book and see the steps. Work on the first step, get it mastered and then move on. There is no reason to learn about transitioning, kino or escalation if you are unable to go and open a single girl.

Learning game is not an overnight success, it is an evolution. You need to take things slowly and make it part of your daily life. We live in an on demand society where we want things right away. Slow down, make realistic goals and work hard on them before moving on.

The girls you desire are not going to come and find you 

If you want top quality girls, then you are going to have to earn them. No amount of affirmation, asking the universe or learning theory will ever make this happen. The basics of PUA are all centred around biological attraction and natural selection. Attraction is not a choice, it is how the species procreates. 

Conclusion 

We can show you what works, we are not saying it is right or wrong, it is just what works. I often have guys email me saying how unfair things are and why their problems are special. I have had numerous arguments on forums over the same things. We don’t make the rules, but they apply to us all. You can either argue against them, or learn how they work and use them to your advantage.

So what needs to happen for you to start taking action? What action will you take first? If you don’t take this action, how will your life go?

This is the time to realise you are 100% responsible for your own actions and what you do in life. The world will not chance to suit your needs, you have to adapt to it.

Make a plan, get on with it, stop whinging.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

My aim is to write a short blog post today. Let’s see how that turns out.

Today it is Sunday 22^nd May 2011 and I am glad to say that the world has not ended, yay! I am really glad because I have just bought some gig tickets for next week. Yet another doomsday prediction failed to come true, to be fair it only needs to happen the once though. I have just been reading some of the news reports about the Rapture and those who are explaining why the world didn’t end. The put it down to miscalculations, misinterpretation, yet no they have not seemed to have classed it as scare mongering bollocks. Funny that. Did those who believed in the rapture, are they now going to challenge and possible change their belief systems based on the evidence presented? No, of course not. Critial thinking has no part to play in religious beliefs. For if we look at science and the evidence, all religions, and other control systems, simply fall apart.

Today I am not interested in having a pop at religion or those who believe that the end is nigh. Instead I want to talk about the fact that your world will end one day and have you made the most of your brief time upon this earth? I know a lot of religions believe that there is some form of afterlife, usually promising a greater existence than the one we have now. For the sake of this post, let’s assume that we only have this lifetime, or at least this lifetime on earth.

Like most people I am quite scared of death. I have no religious orientation and what happens when my time is up is somewhat of a mystery to me at the moment. I guess I will find out what happens when the time comes. Due to modern medicine and improvements in quality of life, we are all living longer and hopefully more healthily. However our time here on earth can be cut short at any time for a countless amount of reasons.

When I die I want to be able to look back and think to myself that I have led a good life. I have done the things I wanted to, seen the most interesting places and formed and nurtured relationships with those around me. Not only do I want to be able to look back and think this, I want to think every day that my life is great. I am not one for delaying pleasure, I want to experience what life has to offer now.

In the last few years I have really worked on my life and I am yielding the fruits of my labour now. As a therapist I have to listen to other people’s despair and it made me realise just how fortunate I am. A lot of people who I have worked with have had a near death experience, either through some form of attack, accident or medical issue i.e. surviving cancer. From spending so much time with such incredible people who have touched the void of life and are now living it to the full. I owe it to those who are no longer with us, to live my life well and to encourage others to do the same.

I hate very few things in life. Brown sauce, tomato ketchup and James Corden, are among the things I can’t stand, however the thing I despise the most is something called “learned helplessness”. This crippling psychological condition is responsible for keeping people stuck in life, leading to a range of issues including low self esteem, depression, weakened immune system and even suicide.

Learned helplessness was first discovered in 1967 by an American Psychologist called Martin Seligman. He ran a series of tests on animals who were subjected to electrical shocks. The animals were put into groups, some of them could control the shocks they received by them pressing a lever, others had the same lever but it did not reduce the shocks. The first group quickly learned that they could control the amount of pain they received. The second group learned that whatever they did they still got the electrical shocks. Even when placed in different test setting, the first group animals were able to escape the pain, while the second group simply lied down and accepted there was nothing they could do, even though the opportunity to escape or stop the pain was made available to them. The second group of animals had learned that their actions had no impact and were therefore helpless, although in reality if they had simply tried they would have got results. This is how so many people live their lives today, in a way of not being able to control anything and being at the mercy of others.

When I work with clients I can usually tell who are going to get the best results quite early on. It doesn’t matter what the client has been subjected to, everything from early abuse issues through to a recent violent attack. I know that those who are able to follow simple instructions will get results. It breaks my heart when I have a client who I know could get results if they only tried, but they have learned that whatever they do doesn’t work, so why bother? Until a person actually realises that they have the power to change their life, nothing will ever work. Once they realise do have control over their life, then the possibilities are literally endless. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a client coming to this realisation and starting to take control of their life. To me, this is real inner game.

We all want to be happy, but very few of us actually are. We are brought up in a society that is built on greed and material wealth, unreachable physical perfection and a rolling 24 hour fear mongering media. No wonder so many people have given up on their lives and now take what is given to them, rather than go out and create results. I know that the vast majority of people who read this post or anything to do with pick up, will simply read it and do nothing with the information. Reading theory will never bring results, it simply allows you to feel like you are in control, but information that cannot be put into action isn’t worth knowing. This only leads to frustration and the need to learn more theory.

From working on the PUA Training bootcamps, with residential students and with hundreds of private clients, I have seen what can really change people’s perspective in life and therefore the results they create. I do not believe in luck, I believe in hard work and opportunity. I have put together a few tips on how to start to change your life and to make the most of your time on this planet of ours. Please remember that the solutions to our problems are always much simpler than the problem itself. The more simple the solution, the more effective it usually is. Just because something sounds so simple and common sense, please don’t dismiss it. Those who are quick to criticise are usually those who need to action the following steps the most. There is a world of difference between common sense and common practice.

Tip 1. Analyse your life. Cut out or minimise negative activities, people and places.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first actually understand what you life consists of now. Humans are extremely predictable and have very strong pattern behaviour, although we are usually blind to it ourselves. I personally use a 30 minute daily planner (email me if you want it) which allows me to see exactly how I am spending my time and what I am doing. After a week, or even a few days, you will start to spot your patterns and where you can start to make changes.

Before you can start to put in new activities and ways of spending your time, you need to start to cut out the crap. This includes activities, people and places. Remember, the past is gone, the future doesn’t exist, it is what you do now that is important. Where you choose to spend your time, who with and what doing is 100% under your control. Spend your time wisely. If you spend time with people you don’t really like, change it. If you have a job you don’t enjoy, it is your responsibility to do something about it. If you do the same old boring routine every week, then change what you are doing if you want to get different results.

Tip 2. Look after your health

I am no saint by any means, however since my 30^th birthday I have made a large change in my life. I decided to stop drinking, I am not sure for how long as of yet. It has been 2 months and I have no intention to start again anytime soon.

I decided to stop drinking it was having a detrimental impact upon my health, and bank balance. I wish I was one of those people who could have just one or two drinks on an evening, however when I get started I go for it and it isn’t long before I am on the shots. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was drinking most nights, either in the pub or at home. Every morning/afternoon I would wake up feeling terrible and lacked motivation to actually do anything. How I even made it to 30 is beyond me.

Since I stopped drinking I have changed a number of habits. By making a change like this, other changes happen as a consequence. For example in the mornings I am able to get up without wanting to die. I have rejoined the gym and go three times a week. My diet has drastically improved. My overall energy levels have sky rocketed and my productivity is off the scale. Overall I feel much better, more motivated and physically stronger.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first take control of your body. You do not eat or drink anything by accident!

Tip 3. Treat someone to something

Although this seems to be frowned upon in the pick up community, I am proud to say I am a nice guy. I make a habit to do nice things for other people, on a regular basis. I love nothing more than taking someone out for dinner, to a show or to do something else fun. Just this weekend I took a very special friend to the theatre for her birthday. She told me it was the nicest present she had ever gotten. Hearing that alone was worth 100 times the cost of the tickets.

Doing something nice for someone doesn’t have to be expensive. I also like cooking for people or taking them to really nice part of London for a walk. I also listen to people and make them feel great about themselves. This is a skill I think everyone should learn.

Think about someone you know and something you would like to treat them to. A friend you haven’t seen for a while or even a family member. When you are nice to other people, they are nice to you. Don’t expect the other person to ever go first, always lead when it comes to giving and generosity.

Tip 4. Treat yourself.

Thankfully I have inexpensive tastes. When I used to drink I used to love drinking champagne (but had beer money). I used to try and motivate myself into doing things on a reward basis, but now I realise to just treat myself all the time and this motivates me more.

A few things that I love with a passion are coffee, massages and going to Primrose Hill (a really nice place in London for those who don’t know about it).

I live in Muswell Hill and there is an old style shop called “Martyns” that roasts their own coffee beans. The coffee they sell is amazing and I am frequent customer. I am having a cup now!  Good times. I am easily pleased it seems.

When I first moved to London I lived on a sofa for several months and also wore a man bag. This royally screwed up my left shoulder and I have had to have physiotherapy to try and rectify the issue. As part of the recovery I was told to go for deep tissue massages, which really hurt but leave you feel amazing afterwards. I now go for a massage at least once every two weeks and my back has never been in better shape.

I also love going to Primrose Hill. The area itself is a pretty part of Regents Park which overlooks London. I like nothing more than strolling around spotting celebrities and pretending I live there! The best thing about it, that it is totally free to do.

Always include into your weekly routine things that bring you pleasure. Don’t remove pleasure from your life to motivate yourself into changing. The more pleasure you inject into your life, the more motivated and passionate you become.

Tip 5. Make a list of 5 places you want to visit

People always talk about the places they would like to visit, yet they have a list of excuses for why they have not yet been. Your life could end any day, so instead of wishing you could have been to these places, make plans to actually go.

Make a list of 5 places that you want to visit and set about making this a reality. If you don’t have the time or money, this is something to work on. Find the time and make the money!

Tip 6. Make a list of 5 things you want to do.

Along with places you want to visit, think about things you want to do. Why haven’t you done these things already? Write down your excuses and see what you can work on to make these things a reality.

When I tell people about this they instantly say silly things that they don’t really want to do. Sky diving, bungee jumping and swimming with dolphins all top the list. But do you actually want to do these things?

I believe that the trick here is to make realistic goals that are within your grasp. When you start to achieve small goals, it starts to propel you into setting and achieving larger ones.

To give you an idea, some of the things I want to do are;

Lose 20 KG by Christmas

To go to London Zoo Late Night opening

Go on a boat trip in Camden

To produce websites which generate passive income

To buy a made to measure suit

So all my goals are different and will require different amounts of effort. Going on boat trip and going to the zoo are obviously the easiest and I will have done both of these within the next 2 weeks, weather permitting. The other goals will take longer, however I know I will do them.

Write down a list of things that you want to do. Don’t stop at 5, just keep writing. Once you have a decent list, start to pick some to actually work on. When it comes to game, what do you want to do? Do you want to go and speak to that girl in the office, or even the girl you see on the bus every day. You may want to take the bootcamp or residential or even just commit to going out and opening 5 sets. Something that people ofen say to me on the bootcamp or residential is “why didn’t I do this years ago?”.

Tip 7. Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for

Every day we are bombarded with things that we apparently need in our life to be happy. From the latest phone, car, watch, clothes or lifestyle in general. When you watch programs like Sex and the City or Jersey Shores like they are a documentary, it is easy to think your own life is rubbish. The more we have the more we want. We tend to see what we don’t have, not what we do have. This way of experiencing life always leaves us feeling unfulfilled and lowers our self esteem.

I first learned how to adopt a grateful attitude when I became a therapist. Like everyone I have my own problems, but when I had to listen to those of other people, I quickly realised that I was very fortunate.

It sometimes takes an event to make us realise what we have and to cherish it, rather than wanting more all the time. Last year I got a serious eye infection and I was close to losing my sight in my left eye. The infection was caused by a contact lens and I was unable to see properly for several months. It causes massive amounts of pain, endless hours of waiting in hospitals and many sleepless nights. Thankfully after several interventions the doctors were able to stop the infection and save my cornea. I was incredibly thankful for my sight. Only recently I have been able to wear contact lenses again and the world has never looked so good.

I start every single day by writing down 3 things I am thankful for. By changing how my brain scans the world, from what I don’t have to what I do have, it makes a massive difference. Ok so I will never be able to have laser eye surgery now, but I can wear contacts and glasses and see. I will never be a model but I can lose weight and take care of myself. I can never get back the time I wasted in my life, but I can make the most of now and the future.

Get a piece of paper and write down things you are thankful for. Once you start writing you begin to feel much better, it is weird. Make sure this list is in an accessible place and you read it regularly. You can change how you see the world, but it takes time and practice.

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I know that my life could end any day. I also know that when that day comes I will look back on my life and know that I have spent my time well and overall it has been bloody brilliant. Now turn off your laptop for a while and actually do something you have read in this post. Please post here what it is and any changes you have made. You can also email me personally at any time for help and/or advice.

Until I get conclusive proof that there is life after death, I am going to assume that our time here is probably all we get. We tend to regret the things we haven’t done, not things we did. Spend your time wisely, live a happy life and don’t listen to people who talk about the end of the world.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)