I’m A Loner… What Can I Do? (Reader Question)

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Recently I received a question from a read on being a loner and someone who doesn’t have any friends. Where do you start? How to you make new friends quickly? I give some decent advice in my response, so make sure you read everything.

Question from a reader:

Hey Richard,

I’m in a really bad place right now mentally , my confidence is at an all time low and I need your advice. Basically I’m a loner, I don’t have any friends (not one) that I can call or chat to. I don’t go out for fun, only to buy groceries or run errands, I spend most of my time in my room playing games, reading and just being a recluse really.

I was never popular in school and the friends I did have kind of went their own way, we drifted apart over time. They went to a different college to me and I started out again with no friends and ended up with no friends when leaving college. I just always seem to revert to the same patterns of behavior and I’m stuck.

I’m 23 now and I do try and make new friends, I go to the gym, make small talk in coffee shops, smile at people when walking past them. I feel like everything I try doesn’t work and people just don’t want to talk to me or be my friend.

The last time I had sex was 5 years ago and I have never had a girlfriend.

Can you give me some advice on how I can make new friends, be more outgoing and just feel more confident because I really am starting to hate my life. Especially Friday and Saturday nights, they depress the crap out of me.


My response:

Hey Joe,

Thanks for getting in touch.

Don’t worry dude, I was in your shoes when I first started out in Cambridge. It’s going to be a long journey but trust me, it’s easy when you get going.

Ok so let’s address your issues one by one in three ways. First your mentality, then second your physical appearance/how you act around people and third of all your social life.

Let’s get stuck in:

1. Your mentality

This may sound like cliche advice but the way you view yourself generally translates into how others view you. I’m not talking physical appearance here, I’m referring to confidence, charisma, self belief etc.

If you’re insecure and self conscious, then you will give off this strange vibe that others will pickup on. For example, have you ever been at a party or seen a guy surrounded by lots of people that just oozed confidence and sexuality? Like he was THE MAN! That’s because he’s mentally strong. He doesn’t have small hangups about things or worry about the consequences of his actions (I.e approaching women).

He knows that he looks good, he knows what he wants and he’s confident in everything he does. So this directly translates into the energy he’s conveying through body language, facial expressions, mannerisms etc.

I need you to work on your confidence, every damn day from this point forward… and I don’t want you to stop until you notice that your life has dramatically changed.

Read this article and use the confidence building tips I give.

2. Your appearance

Appearance is not ONLY going to make you seem more attractive to women, it’s also going to get you respect from guys too. The way you dress and how you move is connected to how you feel and how others treat you. It’s certainly related to confidence, but it’s more than that because its perception of others too.

You said that you smile at people when you walk past them. Is it in a shy and timid way? Does it come across as creepy?

You also said that you make small talk with people, like in the gym or coffee shops. Have you heard what kind of questions you ask or how you carry the conversation? It could be seen as very awkward from how your acting.

I need you to focus on your body language every time you’re out talking to both men and women. You also need to start recording some of these conversations. I know that might sound creepy, but recording a couple of conversations you have with strangers is a good way to see how you act, because you won’t have heard or seen yourself talking to others in a natural conversation before, so it will help you spot things you’re doing that may be strange or harming your chances of making friends.

Please also try and work on your style, I highly suggest that you hire a stylist for the day. Go into any of the big department stores in your area or search online for a stylist then pay them for the day to take you out shopping. They will fill out your wardrobe and make you look amazing.

3. Your social life

Now for the big one. You social life is what will give you the friends you want and allow you to sleep with the women you want, so it’s important to put in some serious work here.

Stop playing games alone in your bedroom, it’s far to easy to get lost in a game and piss away a few hours. Get out of the house and do the following:

1. Join some classes – These are classes that force you to talk to others, like a language class or cookery class.

2. Look for hobby groups – Facebook, Linkedin and Meetup.com are great ways to find social groups that you can sign up and go to which are related to your work or things you’re interested in doing outside of work.

3. Make some radical changes – Do things that will take you outside your comfort zone and will make you talk to others, like public speaking, working part time as a tour guide, teaching students in a language school etc. Interaction with others is key to help you get over your awkwardness.

4. Work on your conversational skills – When you talk to others are you interested (genuinely) in what they have to say? Do you care about what they’re saying? If no, then they will feel that. So don’t make small talk for the sake of it, only make small talk if you really want to meet them.

So that’s it. If you follow my advice and work on this every day, then you’ll begin to see changes. One final thing is that you need to pull yourself away when you feel that you’re switching back into your old patterns, otherwise things will never be different.

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