Taking Responsibility for your own Life will get you MUCH further

Hey guys

Sorry I have not posted on here for a while, I have been majorly busy working and moving house. Thanks to all those who came to Effortless Attraction and I am working on getting some audio up on this blog ASAP. I need to speak to the technical wizards above to help me with this.

Ok the thing I want to address today is the whole “fix me” attitude that I see so many guys with. Every week I get emails from people all over the world saying that it is my responsibility for me to fix them. These are not short emails either, they are pages and pages of moaning trying to get me to understand how bad their lives are. I often write back a short email with a few simple things to implement in their lives. This is usually replied to with an email of excuses or why it won’t work for them. At this point I am not able to offer any assistance at all.

Before I started specialising in working with guys with social anxiety (or inner game as others refer to it as) I used to work from a clinic in a large gym in Manchester. Due to the venue I used to get a lot of referrals from the personal trainers to help clients with weight loss. When working with a client who wants to lose weight you need to careful explain to them that they are 100% in control of their food intake and exercise levels.

The most common excuses I got from weight loss clients were;

1. My parents over fed me
2. My partner cooks too much food for me
3. I don’t like the taste of fruit/veg/healthy food
4. The government puts too much sugar in foods
5. There isn’t enough time to cook properly
6. I don’t know how to eat healthily
7. It is to cold and dark to exercise
8. It is societies/the media’s fault
9. I have the type of body that stores food more easily
10.I have a slow metabolism

My standard responses to the above excuses are;

1. You are now an adult!
2. You eat it!
3. Then don’t eat it and carry on eating junk food. I don’t care.
4. You eat it!
5. Make time!
6. Learn!
7. You live in England, it is cold and dark most of the time. Move to Australia. I doubt things will be different.
8. But it is your responsibility!
9. Have you had this confirmed by a doctor? Anyway if this is the case what this means is that you will have to work harder than other people. Life is not fair, deal with it.
10.Again, have you had this confirmed by a doctor? I doubt you do have a metabolism problem, if you do then you need to work harder than those with a normal metabolism. Deal with it.

People love to give excuses to why what I am telling them will not work for them. Instead they want someone or something to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own life and therefore the results they get. This is exactly the same thing I get when trying to help guys with their social skills.

People are not prepared to work hard at something and instead they want results overnight. The problem is with massive change is that the person can not handle it and it often leads to more serious problems. People also make stupid and unrealistic goals. Last week I worked with a 34 year old man who weighed 25 stone, smoked heavily and practically lived of take-a-ways. His goal was to lose 12 stone and become a professional footballer with 6 months. He is living in a fantasy land. Later on he told me he had watched “The Secret” and is visualising himself as a thin and playing football at Old Trafford. More on this dangerous and idiotic film later.

I have found that people like the idea of change, but don’t actually want to change what they are doing. Instead they want to feel better about their miserable life and give their favourite excuses to why the rules of life do not apply to them. The best way to achieve this is antidepressants, drinking or drugs. These tried and tested methods are excellent at blocking out reality and making you feel better about not getting the things out of life that you want. After all it isn’t your fault is it.

Real change takes hard work! There is no way round it. I know that a lot of self help crap just tells you to visualise stuff or even make a wish (I have actually read this in books) and everything is easy and the universe cares about you. This is pure delusion.

I have a motivational strategy that is foolproof.

Step 1. Make a realistic goal. Break this down into very small and manageable steps.
Step 2. Get the resources, skills and training you need.
Step 3. Work with people who know what they are doing.
Step 4. Try to pre-empt issues in advance. Plan rather than react.
Step 5. Measure your progress and keep on course.

No big happy feelings, no making wishes or worst of all, asking the Universe for it. I will let you into a little secret; the Universe does not care about you! If you think the Universe is there to serve you, you are delusional.

People do not want to take ownership of their problem. Whether it be a weight issue or the fact they do not have a good life and a girlfriend. It is your responsibility, regardless of what has happened to you in the past. You are 100% responsible for your results. Life is not fair, deal with it.

I was at home the other day and I switched on the TV. It was half way through “Deal or No Deal”. The concept of the game is simple, the contestant picks a random box containing a cash value, they then chose other boxes to open and try to sell their own box to the banker. It is a game of pure chance and probability. However I was watching this and the contestants were chanting, cheering and seemingly believed that they could influence what figure are in the boxes. One lady opened her box and revealed she had a high figure (chosen at random remember), she started crying as she felt so guilty and kept apologising. It is disturbing to think that people think they can magically change a printed numerical figure in a seal box by simply wanting it to change.

Just a few words that I hate are;


I know that if I am talking to someone who uses these words frequently, that they are the sort of person who gives away control of their life and won’t take responsibility. The worst offender of all the self help crap is “The Secret”. I truly believe that this film is dangerous and should be made to carry serious warning on the cover. People watch this like it is a documentary, it isn’t. Firstly the biggest fundamental error is “the law of attraction”. This is NOT a law! It is not a law in the sense of gravity or anything within the realms of science. It is pure hypothetical idealistic nonsense.

Let’s look at the steps for “The law of Attraction”

1. Be clear about what YOU want and knowing exactly what YOU really want.

2. Placing Your Order. Ask the universe for what you want. The Universe won’t ask you questions that’s why it pays to be very, VERY specific.

3. Allow the Law of Attraction to work. Fully let the law of attraction to bring it about. Don’t force your ideas of how it should happen. Let the Law of Attraction figure that out.

4. Know without doubt that what you want and have asked for will happen.
Have faith and patience that the Law of Attraction will bring it about.

5. Relax and become receptive. You have to be in a calm harmony condition to aligned to the universe and manifesting your desire.

Basically this allows you to think of what you want, ask for it and then just wait to receive it. How amazing is that? I am sure that in some occasions that this has worked, however it does not make it a reliable system. This completely gives away your personal responsibility for generating results.

I met someone the other week that runs ‘Law of Attraction workshops’. He charges £250 for a day long course where people can learn how to manifest everything they have always wanted. As you can image I had a few questions for him, the main one being “how long does it take to actually get the results?”. Of course he gave me a useless answer saying that you have to be receptive, if you are not in that state you will not get what you asked for. So when people say they are not getting results he simply tells them that they need to be more receptive. Good system this, when you do not get the results you simply keep waiting and it is your fault for not being receptive. So you either get what you want (very unlikely) or you die from waiting for it. If people get impatient then they are not in a receptive state to receive. A foolproof system that does not need to provide any evidence to the poor people who shell out £250 for this nonsense. If you are not getting results it is your own fault for not being receptive.

If you want to start getting real results then you need to take responsibility for your life and change what you are currently doing. I understand that the position you are in right now may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility. I have worked with a wide range of clients, all of whom have their own personal histories and some of the things I have heard are very disturbing. I can totally understand why they are in such a state now, however it is still the person’s responsibility to take control of their life, regardless of what they have been through.

At a recent event I did a lot of 1-2-1 work with one guy in particular. I took a shine to this guy because he told me some of the things he had been through and it wasn’t at all pleasant. He was a nice guy but he kept telling me how things were not fair and why what we teach he is not able to apply. The rules of life did not apply to him, or so he protested. I gave him a list of things to do when he got home that would have got him results, I have tried and tested this with hundreds of people. At the end of the event he thanked me and said that he hoped that it had worked for him. This is not something I wanted him to hear as straight away he moving away from responsibility.

A few weeks of I emailed the guy to see how he was. He told me how much he enjoyed coming to the event but nothing had changed. He had not taken action on any of the points I had given him. He came up with a load of excuses, all were invalid. I knew that he wanted me to say that things were alright and justify why he doesn’t need to take action. Unfortunately he is the kind of guy who will never get results out of life although he had the knowledge and potential to do so. It is extremely frustrating to work with a client like this as I have seen so many get results by applying simple principles.

So in conclusion, I want you to really analyse your life and what you are currently doing. Only by being totally honest with yourself and taking ownership of your current situation will you ever get real results. Making changes to your lifestyle does take work, but the results are worth it. I can help you and show you what to do, but I am not able to make you do it. That is your responsibility.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

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  1. I’ve been looking about this specific topic for about an hour, glad i found it in your Blog

  2. Gosh, I've been looking about this specific topic for about an hour, glad i found it in your website! :)

  3. Matt,
    Great article. I also believe people do not take enough responsibility for working towards and achieving goals and aspirations. The work, or the journey should be part of the fun of self-development and should never stop within a healthy lifestyle and mindset. Yet people wrongly believe when they reach specific goals (such as losing weight, getting a girlfriend) it will automatically make them happy.

    However, I also see 'magic bullet' formulas perpetuated by certain pick-up companies is adding to this skewed perspective. Guys are getting frustrated when they dont achieve things in a certain amount of time, or reach the level of success as promised if they take these courses or bootcamps.

  4. I think people misinterpret “The Secret” and take it too literally. You mentioned people not “getting results” from this “law of attraction” when in my opinion its not about getting results at all. It’s more of a state of mind than just simply adding 0’s to your bank account with a simple thought. There’s a lot more to it than just wanting something,
    thinking about it, and then you get it. You have to BELIEVE that what you it is going to happen. Belief is almost impossible to fake where as a simple thought, or imagination has no boundries. I could want to wake up in the morning to find 10 million dollars in my bank account. Hell I could even imagion what that would be like and dream about it all night. But it is almost impossible for me to believe that it will happen. I could say it to myself thouands of times, but still somewhere deep in my subconcious i believe it wont happen.

    Now if you were going to approach a women and you are skeptical, and not so confident in yourself, you don’t *believe* that it is going to work, it probably won’t. If you have no doubt in your mind that you will succeed, if you believe that you will, then you probably will. That is “the secret”, and it will work with absolutely anything so long as you can change what you believe. And thats the catch, its so hard to try to change your beliefs with some things that if you question yourself just a little bit then you dont know how deep into your mind that doubt goes.

  5. Fat-Albert says:

    Hey guys,
    Cool post Matt. You're right on about that load of crap 'the secret' = in reality you can hope and have as much faith as you want but unless you are taking positive steps (insert ACTION) to achieve that, one will remain in the same state of limbo.
    Your conclusion is brilliant mate and if people continue to sit idle watching the world fly by = well, they're doing me a favour. In fact, when I'm out and about I don't even see guys as competition/barriers anymore – I engage the whole group, extending civility and curteousy (smiling and eye contact too) and add value to interactions and really 'feel' such a positive feedback 'vibe' that its both rewarding and uplifting.
    Guys, we choose our mindset and our attitude to be one of prosperity/value as well as being positive. Don't say one day; that day will never come. Rather act now (one small step at a time – practice builds competence; competence builds confidence).

    All the best
    Keep smiling
    Mick (from Australia)

    PS I could always say dry your eyes and harden up lol…

  6. One of the best articles I've ever read. It is SO true, and I could relate so much. I'm also in the same situation right now, where I'm not happy with my life, and today I've also experienced a moment that made me feel also very very bad.

    I often (nearly all the time) tell and wish to have the money yet ready and fly over to London to live with you guys there so you can fix me. I think it would be easier since I would have a lot of mentors pushing me since my biggest flaw is lack of motivation, will power and pushing myself (with some mature other very ugly features).

    I'm happy for this post however, cause you reminded me that I can already start now, and see you back when I got the $

  7. Matt,

    I think you are being a little harsh on "The Secret". I agree that it does not tell the whole story, and that just sitting on your butt visualising will get you nowhere. However, it does give the first steps to any and all endeavours, which do include visualisation, and being open to new avenues. Any goal is much easier to reach if you have a clear idea of what it actually is!

    Interestingly, the rest of your article pretty much sums up the steps which "The Secret" leaves out: take responsibility for yourself and your life, and do something, anything, to get closer to your goal. Hopefully with at least some planning and forethought, to avoid wasting too much effort in counterproductive activities.

    And in my experience, the universe cares about you in direct proportion to how much you care about yourself and others. Basically, you reap what you sow :)

  8. Matt this hits home with a lot of the stuff I’ve been changing in my life. I feel like my life was tough and I had a lot bad breaks to start out. I always knew that other people had it much worse – 3rd world countries with poverty, disease, and genocidal militant leaders. But I always had a strong inner belief that I didn’t care how others had it, that my life was difficult in its own ways.

    Since finding out about “the game” and the community, I have turned things around. Before this, I had minor successes, but it was never a consistent and lasting good feeling. I’d hit a stumbling block and go spiraling down. Now that my social life has begun to align to a more natural and happy state I feel that other areas are finally becoming stable.

    This would have never happened if I didn’t have the will and desire to constantly improve in everything I do. I learned how to push myself when I ran for a cross country team. I just could never transfer that “can’t hold me down” attitude to other areas of my life.

    Nothing worth having is easy or a “gimme”. Hard work is a hard fact of life.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun doing it. ;)

  9. awesome post, I fully agree,I am taking a bootcamp on the 30th -31st of this month.

  10. What a great post if you ask me.

    I found myself making excuses, but after reading the Gambler's book, trying some of his excercises and pushing myself into areas where I have to take charge and meet people I have slowly pushed down these barriers and now my approach anxiety, although still there, is less.

    So now reading this post I have a few more ideas on how to change my lifestyle a bit more, but as this post says it does take work, you have to be commited and most of all take ownership of your own actions and dont blame others when things go wrong.

  11. it seems old hypnomatt has some secular issues that won’t be of any use to a man who visits this site to better his chances of meeting great girls.

    Re question # 7 is that ‘to cold’ or ‘too cold’…only trying to help you gain the best,matt!

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