Taking Responsibility for your own Life will get you MUCH further

Hey guys

Sorry I have not posted on here for a while, I have been majorly busy working and moving house. Thanks to all those who came to Effortless Attraction and I am working on getting some audio up on this blog ASAP. I need to speak to the technical wizards above to help me with this.

Ok the thing I want to address today is the whole “fix me” attitude that I see so many guys with. Every week I get emails from people all over the world saying that it is my responsibility for me to fix them. These are not short emails either, they are pages and pages of moaning trying to get me to understand how bad their lives are. I often write back a short email with a few simple things to implement in their lives. This is usually replied to with an email of excuses or why it won’t work for them. At this point I am not able to offer any assistance at all.

Before I started specialising in working with guys with social anxiety (or inner game as others refer to it as) I used to work from a clinic in a large gym in Manchester. Due to the venue I used to get a lot of referrals from the personal trainers to help clients with weight loss. When working with a client who wants to lose weight you need to careful explain to them that they are 100% in control of their food intake and exercise levels.

The most common excuses I got from weight loss clients were;

1. My parents over fed me
2. My partner cooks too much food for me
3. I don’t like the taste of fruit/veg/healthy food
4. The government puts too much sugar in foods
5. There isn’t enough time to cook properly
6. I don’t know how to eat healthily
7. It is to cold and dark to exercise
8. It is societies/the media’s fault
9. I have the type of body that stores food more easily
10.I have a slow metabolism

My standard responses to the above excuses are;

1. You are now an adult!
2. You eat it!
3. Then don’t eat it and carry on eating junk food. I don’t care.
4. You eat it!
5. Make time!
6. Learn!
7. You live in England, it is cold and dark most of the time. Move to Australia. I doubt things will be different.
8. But it is your responsibility!
9. Have you had this confirmed by a doctor? Anyway if this is the case what this means is that you will have to work harder than other people. Life is not fair, deal with it.
10.Again, have you had this confirmed by a doctor? I doubt you do have a metabolism problem, if you do then you need to work harder than those with a normal metabolism. Deal with it.

People love to give excuses to why what I am telling them will not work for them. Instead they want someone or something to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own life and therefore the results they get. This is exactly the same thing I get when trying to help guys with their social skills.

People are not prepared to work hard at something and instead they want results overnight. The problem is with massive change is that the person can not handle it and it often leads to more serious problems. People also make stupid and unrealistic goals. Last week I worked with a 34 year old man who weighed 25 stone, smoked heavily and practically lived of take-a-ways. His goal was to lose 12 stone and become a professional footballer with 6 months. He is living in a fantasy land. Later on he told me he had watched “The Secret” and is visualising himself as a thin and playing football at Old Trafford. More on this dangerous and idiotic film later.

I have found that people like the idea of change, but don’t actually want to change what they are doing. Instead they want to feel better about their miserable life and give their favourite excuses to why the rules of life do not apply to them. The best way to achieve this is antidepressants, drinking or drugs. These tried and tested methods are excellent at blocking out reality and making you feel better about not getting the things out of life that you want. After all it isn’t your fault is it.

Real change takes hard work! There is no way round it. I know that a lot of self help crap just tells you to visualise stuff or even make a wish (I have actually read this in books) and everything is easy and the universe cares about you. This is pure delusion.

I have a motivational strategy that is foolproof.

Step 1. Make a realistic goal. Break this down into very small and manageable steps.
Step 2. Get the resources, skills and training you need.
Step 3. Work with people who know what they are doing.
Step 4. Try to pre-empt issues in advance. Plan rather than react.
Step 5. Measure your progress and keep on course.

No big happy feelings, no making wishes or worst of all, asking the Universe for it. I will let you into a little secret; the Universe does not care about you! If you think the Universe is there to serve you, you are delusional.

People do not want to take ownership of their problem. Whether it be a weight issue or the fact they do not have a good life and a girlfriend. It is your responsibility, regardless of what has happened to you in the past. You are 100% responsible for your results. Life is not fair, deal with it.

I was at home the other day and I switched on the TV. It was half way through “Deal or No Deal”. The concept of the game is simple, the contestant picks a random box containing a cash value, they then chose other boxes to open and try to sell their own box to the banker. It is a game of pure chance and probability. However I was watching this and the contestants were chanting, cheering and seemingly believed that they could influence what figure are in the boxes. One lady opened her box and revealed she had a high figure (chosen at random remember), she started crying as she felt so guilty and kept apologising. It is disturbing to think that people think they can magically change a printed numerical figure in a seal box by simply wanting it to change.

Just a few words that I hate are;


I know that if I am talking to someone who uses these words frequently, that they are the sort of person who gives away control of their life and won’t take responsibility. The worst offender of all the self help crap is “The Secret”. I truly believe that this film is dangerous and should be made to carry serious warning on the cover. People watch this like it is a documentary, it isn’t. Firstly the biggest fundamental error is “the law of attraction”. This is NOT a law! It is not a law in the sense of gravity or anything within the realms of science. It is pure hypothetical idealistic nonsense.

Let’s look at the steps for “The law of Attraction”

1. Be clear about what YOU want and knowing exactly what YOU really want.

2. Placing Your Order. Ask the universe for what you want. The Universe won’t ask you questions that’s why it pays to be very, VERY specific.

3. Allow the Law of Attraction to work. Fully let the law of attraction to bring it about. Don’t force your ideas of how it should happen. Let the Law of Attraction figure that out.

4. Know without doubt that what you want and have asked for will happen.
Have faith and patience that the Law of Attraction will bring it about.

5. Relax and become receptive. You have to be in a calm harmony condition to aligned to the universe and manifesting your desire.

Basically this allows you to think of what you want, ask for it and then just wait to receive it. How amazing is that? I am sure that in some occasions that this has worked, however it does not make it a reliable system. This completely gives away your personal responsibility for generating results.

I met someone the other week that runs ‘Law of Attraction workshops’. He charges £250 for a day long course where people can learn how to manifest everything they have always wanted. As you can image I had a few questions for him, the main one being “how long does it take to actually get the results?”. Of course he gave me a useless answer saying that you have to be receptive, if you are not in that state you will not get what you asked for. So when people say they are not getting results he simply tells them that they need to be more receptive. Good system this, when you do not get the results you simply keep waiting and it is your fault for not being receptive. So you either get what you want (very unlikely) or you die from waiting for it. If people get impatient then they are not in a receptive state to receive. A foolproof system that does not need to provide any evidence to the poor people who shell out £250 for this nonsense. If you are not getting results it is your own fault for not being receptive.

If you want to start getting real results then you need to take responsibility for your life and change what you are currently doing. I understand that the position you are in right now may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility. I have worked with a wide range of clients, all of whom have their own personal histories and some of the things I have heard are very disturbing. I can totally understand why they are in such a state now, however it is still the person’s responsibility to take control of their life, regardless of what they have been through.

At a recent event I did a lot of 1-2-1 work with one guy in particular. I took a shine to this guy because he told me some of the things he had been through and it wasn’t at all pleasant. He was a nice guy but he kept telling me how things were not fair and why what we teach he is not able to apply. The rules of life did not apply to him, or so he protested. I gave him a list of things to do when he got home that would have got him results, I have tried and tested this with hundreds of people. At the end of the event he thanked me and said that he hoped that it had worked for him. This is not something I wanted him to hear as straight away he moving away from responsibility.

A few weeks of I emailed the guy to see how he was. He told me how much he enjoyed coming to the event but nothing had changed. He had not taken action on any of the points I had given him. He came up with a load of excuses, all were invalid. I knew that he wanted me to say that things were alright and justify why he doesn’t need to take action. Unfortunately he is the kind of guy who will never get results out of life although he had the knowledge and potential to do so. It is extremely frustrating to work with a client like this as I have seen so many get results by applying simple principles.

So in conclusion, I want you to really analyse your life and what you are currently doing. Only by being totally honest with yourself and taking ownership of your current situation will you ever get real results. Making changes to your lifestyle does take work, but the results are worth it. I can help you and show you what to do, but I am not able to make you do it. That is your responsibility.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Are looks important for inner game?

Hey all

The argument about looks is always a hot topic in the pick up community. Some gurus claim that looks are totally unimportant and others say that they are vital. So what do you do if you are not good looking? Should you spend thousands on plastic surgery or accept yourself for who you are? Do your looks really affect your inner game and what can you actually do to change your image?

I have worked with a massive amount of guys when it comes to dealing with inner game and practically all of them had some sort of hang up when it came to their looks. Even guys who are remarkably good looking will have some sort of issue that will stop them approaching girls. Just because you are good looking does not mean you have automatic confidence and/or skills with women.

The main areas that men have concerns about their looks tend to fall into one of these 7 categories;

Teeth – crooked, chipped, stained and missing
Hair – colour, receding/baldness and poor style
Skin – acne scars, shaving rash, birthmarks, scaring and stretch marks
Weight – being overweight and underweight
Height – being too tall or too short
Unattractive features – big nose or just generally not very facially attractive
Dress sense – being unstylish or just dressing inappropriately

I was on skype with an American friend yesterday who has just visited the UK on holiday. He asked me “what is the deal with your teeth in England?” Compared to American we generally focus less on our teeth, however it is being much more common to have work done to improve your smile. So is having a Hollywood smile import for your confidence?

Read any pick up material and it will not belong until you come across the importance of smiling. Those who smile a lot tend to do better with not just women but people in general. If you have a great set of teeth and a nice smile then you are extremely lucky, as most of us have some hang up with our teeth that often prevents us from showing them too often. Think about it like this, if you had great teeth would you smile more? If smiling more improves our game, and if this is dependant on the state of our teeth, then I think it is something worth taking seriously.

The good news is that now there is a range of dental procedures that can dramatically improve your smile. Up until the age of 17 I had horrible teeth, they were small, crooked and several never came through. I was always conscious of my teeth and I always stopped myself from showing them when I smiled. I constantly thought about my teeth and this seriously affected my confidence. Fortunately I had veneers and bridges done on the NHS which transformed my smile completely. Since having the work done I smile a lot more and my confidence rocketed.

Although my dental work was extensive, the pain was eventually worth it. When I had the work done (over 10 years ago) I had little idea about what they were going to actually do and the effect it would have. The work I had was not just cosmetic but also functional, therefore I was given it on the NHS otherwise it would have cost thousands.

My dental work was extreme but I did need it doing. Most clients I see are concerned because they have slightly crooked teeth or that they are discoloured. I would advise to invest in your smile but this does not mean spending thousands on implants and veneers. Often just having your teeth professional cleaned or even whitened can have a dramatic affect on your confidence. When you smile and are proud to show your teeth it defiantly improves your confidence. 

When it comes to your teeth and smiling, you do not need to have a dazzling bright white smile, just the ability to smile without feeling self conscious.  If you have stained teeth, get them cleaned. If you have crooked teeth then it is worth speaking to your dentist to see if you can improve them, there are a lot of procedures now available. If you have nice teeth then you are very lucky, just make sure you take care of them.

Traditionally, men associate hair with masculinity, virility and attractiveness. Losing your hair can cause massive amount of stress and is often ranked highly in our greatest fears. More and more men are turning to cosmetic procedures such as hair plugs and transplants. Of course there are still the more traditional methods that include the trusty comb over, wigs, wearing a hat or growing it long at the back while having a bald patch. Not surprisingly most methods with dealing with hair loss are very obviously and rather unsuccessful.

When it comes to hair loss I am somewhat of an expert. I have always had really thin and crap hair! My hair started thin and gradually got worse, from about the age of 10(yes, aged 10). At school I was not allowed to shave my head, nor would my parents let me. So for my school years I had to put up with having very thin and embarrassing hair that singled me out and made me very self conscious. I remember at school a girl who I really liked asking me if I had cancer! This actually happened and it was not a one off.

As soon as I went to university I have my hair shaved off to grade 2. For the first time in my life my hair was not an issue. It suited me being short and it was actually an even covering so I did not have a bald patch or anything to deal with. This worked well for me for a few years, but then I noticed it was starting to go thinner on top and even when it was a few millimeters long you could see a definite horseshoe.

The first time I shaved my head with a razor was an interesting experience to say the least. When I first looked in the mirror and stroked my newly smooth head I thought I had made a massive mistake. It therefore was a big surprise to me when I actually started to get complements about my hair (or absence of it to be precise). I now shave my hair with a razor 2-3 times a week to maintain my cue ball like head. I also use a bit of daily self tan to give my scalp a bit of colour so I don’t stand out like a light bulb!

Hair is extremely important to men and we will do anything to keep hold of it, regardless of pain and cost. I have seen lots of guys with hair plugs who look awful and fake. Trust me, girls pick up on things like this right away.

My advice is to be self accepting when it comes to hair and do not try to battle nature. If you have good thick hair (you lucky people) then make sure it is styled correctly. Instead of having the typical £8 short back and sides, actually invest a bit in your hair and have it done at a reputable salon. Ask girls for their advice (even use it as an opinion opener) and take a read of some fashion magazines to see what celebrities are sporting.

If your hair is thinning then I whole heartedly suggest that you resist trying to cover up the issue and just shave it off. If you have short hair and it is obvious you are going bald on top, then whip out the bic and go the whole hog. In my experience girls always prefer men with shaved or bald heads as opposed to those who are trying to cover up their hair loss with comb overs or plugs etc. Since I started using a razor for a comb, I now get girls opening me to stroke my head and I always get a lot of complements.

Losing your hair is not as bad as you think. Bite the bullet and do the right thing. Everyone knows you are going bald and it is a battle that you can not win! By shaving your head you actually regain control which will increase your natural confidence.


Having bad skin can seriously lower your self confidence. Remember being at school and having spots? How embarrassing was that. As we grow older we tend to have less acne issues (although some people do still suffer) and instead we have the scars that acne left behind and also other issues such as stretch marks.

When we feel self conscious about our bodies we want to hide them away from others, even our partners. Not wanting to get naked or being embarrassed about our bodies can cause a lot of issues ranging from approach anxiety through to sexual problems.

Another skin type of issue that we have to deal with is blushing. If there was a competition for blushing, I would win and probably set some kind of world record. I blush at everything and as I am naturally pale and completely bald, it is very obvious. Over the years I have been to see doctors, dermatologists and therapists to work on the problem, but nothing has ever solved the issue. It wasn’t until I realised that the only person who was bothered by it was me, that I finally let go of the issue and its hold over me diminished. Blushing is like hair loss, it is something I can’t control so instead of fighting it I simply embraced it.

I also suffered from another skin complaint, when I was young I was suffered severe sunburn leaving me with a lot of scaring all over my chest, shoulders and stomach. For years I would avoid taking my top off when on holiday and I even refused to go swimming with friends. When it came to more intimate situations, then it really became an issue and often I wanted to leave my shirt on. To deal with this I went to the doctor and he gave me a steroid cream that cleared up the 95% issue and improved my inner game no end. I could not believe that such a big issue for me was sorted out in just a couple of weeks.

If you have a skin complaint then these days there are options. Acne scars and stretch marks are the most common issues and can be dealt with the most. Instead of avoiding the issue and covering up, seek out professional help to see if you can improve your situation. If you can’t then you simply have to accept that you can not change and work on other areas of your life. Remember that women are a lot less focused on things like stretch marks than guys are. If you can do something then do it, if you can’t then let go of it. No one really cares about it apart from you.   


When I work with guys, their weight or body shape is often an area of concern. I do believe that being healthy is important, however we really need to take a sensible approach to this. In the media we are constantly bombarded with heavenly bodies that sport perfect biceps and abs that you can great cheese on. The dieting industry is built on fantasy and projects a completely and totally unrealistic image of the human body. I have worked with some guys who are in amazing shape, yet because they put on a few pounds over Christmas they are extremely self conscious and their inner game is terrible.

Cases of male eating disorders are rising at an alarming rate. Cosmetic procedures such as lippo suction and gastric bands are increasing in popularity amongst men as we truly enter the age of the metrosexual. Men get obsessed with working out and going to the gym, starving themselves of food replacing it with protein shakes.

A very common misconception that men have is that once they get a good body, they will somehow magically be able to get girls. Just because you lose weight/gain muscle it might give you a little more confidence, but you will still be the same person underneath. Your personality is far more important than your body, often people simply want to paper over the cracks instead of dealing with the real problems.

We need to start getting realistic and sensible about our bodies and stop aiming for the totally unrealistic image we are sold by the various industries that capitalise on your misery. There will always be another product, another diet or pill that “guarantees to get you ripped within weeks”. Although I believe that girls are more attracted to guys who are in shape than guys who are overweight or really skinny, you do not have to be male model.

Having a good body is just part of your overall attractiveness. Girls are much less shallow than guys, they do not have a visual rating system, i.e. she’s a 8, like guys do and are much more turned on by your  confidence and personality than just your 6 pack.

I knew a friend at uni who was about 6 stone overweight. He was a nasty piece of work and was not able to attract girls. He decided that the reason girls did not like him was his weight and chose to go on a massive diet. Over one summer holiday he spent several hours a day in the gym and literally starved himself, losing in total about 4 stone and really toning up. Image his dismay when he came back to uni and girls still didn’t like him. He was still a nasty piece of work, but now he just weighed less. He thought that once he was slim he would be happy, this is deemed to failure from the start.

My advice is to stop comparing yourself to others, especially those in magazines and in the media. It is important to be in good shape for health reasons, but do not let it dictate your happiness. I am currently overweight and I plan on losing about 2 stone. This is more for health reasons than anything, but most importantly I am doing it for myself. My size has never stopped me being with girls as I have worked hard on my interpersonal skills (or game I suppose), on my personality and lifestyle. Instead of trying to work out ways to lose weight, it is far more beneficial to work out why it is there in the first place.


Like hair, height is something that men are extremely self conscious about and give far too much meaning to. Height is the only category from the list above that I actually excel in and have not had to work on. I am 6’ 2” and very happy with it. I have always been tall so unlike all the other categories it is the only one where I can not sympathise or give personal experience from. It is my one saving grace :)

I have however worked with a lot of guys who are shorter than I and they let it damage their confidence. Height is like weight, we like to make it a scapegoat for our problems. You can not change how tall you are so it makes it easy for us to blame our height (or lack of it) rather than deal with the real problem, your personality!

A guy I knew a few years ago was about 5’ 8” and he said it was the one thing that held him back in life. He said if he was taller he would be more successful with girls and practically every other area. He believed it so much that he went for extensive surgery to have his legs broken and lengthened. The whole procedure cost him thousands of pounds, a hell of a lot of pain and months not being able to walk. 

After the surgery and rehabilitation, the guy was a bit taller, however he was still the same person but now he had a limp. The only thing that really changed is that he thought he was more attractive and this change in mindset actually got him results. I personally believe he could have achieved this mindset without the painful surgery, it would have certainly been my first port of call if I were in the same situation. Although this procedure “worked” for him, I certainly would not recommend it to others.

If you are not the height you want to be then it can be frustrating. You do have options, leg lengthening surgery being one. Are women attracted to taller guys? Well the statistics say that they are. Does this mean that shorter guys can not get hot girls? Does it bollocks. Your height is not the issue, it is how you feel about it that is. If you are a shorter guy, then yes I admit it is a slight problem, but being annoyed and frustrated by it is not going to solve anything. Once again you need to accept the hand you are dealt and play the best you can.
Unattractive features

Unattractive features is my nice way of saying ugly. Some people are born beautiful, some people are born with a face only their mothers can love. Life isn’t fair, deal with it. Again this is a category where I fall victim. OK I am not really ugly, but I would never consider myself to be good looking. This used to bother me a lot when I was younger, however I genuinely believe I am getting better looking as I get older. This is just to do with my face, but everything including my style, body language and personality.

If you have an unattractive feature, then you have two options; either do something about it or shut up! The worse things you can do is to make no attempt to change the issue, but instead constantly go on about it and making it your favourite excuse.

I was out with a friend the other day and he has quite a large nose. He always goes on about how it has held him back and he is very bitter about it. He constantly complains that it isn’t fair that he has such a big nose and that if he had a small nose then girls would find him much more attractive. I had to be straight with him, I said “dude your nose is the least of your worries. Your clothes are terrible (he was wearing trainers, old baggy jeans and a jumper with a sports slogan across it), you are going bald and trying to hide it, your finger nails are filthy, your teeth are stained and you are wearing some nasty aftershave. Worst of all you are often bitter and claim life isn’t fair, well it isn’t so get used to it. Now you have been banging on about your nose for the 3 years I have known you and done nothing about it. I know you can’t afford to have it fixed, so instead stop going on about it because no one cares. Sort the things out you have control over and stop making excuses”.

OK I did have quite a big go at him, but he has talked about his nose being the issue for a long time. His nose is not the issue, his personality is and the way he takes care of himself. If he nose was slightly smaller would he have been able to go and approach girls that night, nope. Having a big nose gives him an excuse not to approach, but no one cares. Your life is not what you think, feel or believe, it is what you do.  

If you have a feature you really don’t like then having it fixed can improve your confidence. I know it certainly did with my teeth and skin. However, often you can not change the way you look and you have to accept that. If you fail to accept how you look then you will be bitter and have “why me” syndrome, which will repel people away from you faster than any facial feature.

Dress sense and style

The biggest thing we have control over when it comes to appearance is how you dress. I can not stress the importance of how being well dressed raises your confidence and the way other people perceive and treat you.

Being well dressed does not have to be expensive and I always see guys making the classic mistake of wearing branded clothes to try and show off. Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a D&G Jeans t-shirt. This doesn’t even make sense, wearing a t-shirt that is advertising jeans.

How you dress says a lot about you and it is the one area about how we look that we have the greatest control. I have never liked the idea of peacocking, just trying to stand out for the sake of it with gadgets and gismos. Dressing well is not about having attention because of wearing labels or flashing lights, it is about dressing to be attractive to the kinds of girls you like.

A private client came to my clinic last week and said that he was trying to meet classy girls. He was wearing trainers, baggy jeans and a humorous t-shirt. This guy was actually a dentist and was making over 50k a year, however he was dressed more like a student. He also paid little attention to his hair, but he was quite a good looking bloke.

People make snap judgements about you based on your style and body language. I have found that girls have a different rating system than men do. Men rate girls on a 1-10 scale whereas women tend to just have “yes” and “no” categories. Women pay much more attention to men when it comes to clothes as this says a lot about the person, wealth, status etc. When a man looks at a hot girl however, he will be focusing more on her body than what she is actually wearing.

The client I was working with said that he did not want to brag about his wealth and he wants girls to like him for him. I think this is crazy, he is trying to play himself down in some sort of “Coming to America” strategy. There is a big difference between trying too hard and showing off wealth (i.e. designer branded gear), and just taking care about how you look and investing in your wardrobe.

Our fashion stylist Ollie has an ebook available on his page and he also contributes to this blog. I thoroughly recommend checking his stuff out and learning about how to dress and become more attractive to girls.

Apart from how people judge you, how you dress has big psychological on yourself. When you look good you feel good, and when you feel good it is much easier to interact with people. When you know you are dressed well it does give you a certain sense of confidence and a swagger in your step.  Remember that dressing well doesn’t mean you have to be outrageous, just that you have put a bit of time and effort into your look.

So are looks important for inner game? I say that they are as it improves how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you. More important is how you feel about your looks and if there is something you don’t like then can you do something about it? The quickest and easier things to change are your hair and clothes, just by doing this you will look completely different. Once you have nailed your style then you may find that other hang ups you had start to disappear.

I recommend spending time on how you look and present yourself. Regardless of what Mother Nature gave you, you play the hand you are dealt. Start to work on your weak areas i.e. fashion or weight, and just see how much this improves your confidence alone. If it something you have little control over i.e height, then I advise to seek some form of therapy to help you to accept yourself more. There is no use being bitter over an issue as this will only drive people away.

If you can fix something then fix it, if you can’t then learn how to deal with it.


A foolproof way to ensure you never achieve your goals

It is that time of year again when I get bombarded with people giving me their advice on New Year’s resolutions and how to really “go for it”, “smash those barriers” etc. I work with people everyday helping them to achieve their goals in a practical and methodical manor. From working with hundreds of people I have noticed what really works and what does not. By keeping in contact with clients it has allowed me to track their progress and see the differences between those who make progress and those who stay stuck.

I have put together my top tips for making sure your goals are never reached and that you stay as you are, or even end up in a worse place. Follow these rules and be frustrated forever!

Make totally unrealistic and unattainable goals

Firstly you have to make completely unrealistic and unattainable goals. If you are 15 stone overweight then aim to be skinny, if you are broke then aim to be a millionaire, if you are single and never had a partner then make sure you want to be able to approach and seduce anyone you choose.

Remember at the first sign that everything is not going to plan, jack it all in and blame everyone and everything apart from yourself.

Ensure that you believe when you reach your goal, life will be pain free and super happy
OK everyone, time to think positively. Once you are skinny life will be amazing, once you are rich you won’t have any problems and once you have a girlfriend/boyfriend life will be just peachy. As soon as you reach this massive goal, everything is going to be fine. No more pain, no more suffering, no more living like you do now. All your problems just magically disappear.

Make it one giant leap, never make milestones
Never take small steps! As this time you are going to really do it, you just know it. On Monday morning everything will just happen and you will start to live your new life. If you are currently overweight and eat far too much, don’t worry as on Monday you will eat small portions of healthy food and be skinny by Friday. Hey, in fact as you are going to start your diet on Monday, you should eat as much bad food as you can before then!

Breaking super massive goals down into milestones is boring and silly, always make sure you make massive goals so you can really get the adrenalin going just thinking about it. So what if you currently eat 5 take-a-ways a week and never exercise, that Monday morning run and porridge breakfast is defiantly going to happen. You are going to really stick at your new lifestyle this time and not fall at the first hurdle. Make massive changes that completely contradict your way of life, it is the only way to make changes that stick!

Never get professional help
Professionals, bah what do they know. Just because they have spent years studying and working with people getting proven results, you should never go near them. Professionals cost a lot of money, just because they know their subject inside out and know how to get the results you desire, it doesn’t mean you should ever go near them. Instead why not do a bit of research on the internet, or better still buy a self help book. Now you are your own expert. Simple eh!

Never plan what you are going to do and when
It is dangerous to plan ahead, especially with all the fun you will be having with your super new life. Sitting down and working out a methodical and practical step by plan and gathering the resources you will need is a complete waste of time. Instead just think of the goal e.g. I want a million pounds, and just get started. You will just learn as you go along and soon you will have a million pounds and a great pain free life you have already dreamt about.

Just think it and you will achieve it. The universe loves you!
Fans of the film “The Secret” already know this proven and completely true universal law, “just think it and it will happen”. Are you broke? Then simply think about cheques and money being delivered to you and it will happen. Single and lonely, well just cut out pictures of people you are attracted to, put them on your dream board and soon they will be walking through your door and throwing themselves at you. Massively overweight? Simply stand in front of the mirror and picture yourself as being slim, there is no need to make any changes or exercise. Not when you know “The Secret”.

The universe loves you and it is there to serve you. Everything happens for a reason and all your wishes will come true. Remember to just think about what it is you want and it will be delivered every time. Know this amazing information how could you ever fail to achieve all your dreams?

Sadly I put this on a message board a couple of weeks ago and people emailed me to thank me for the great information and they are now following my advice. They actually thought they were serious steps to goal setting. Reading the above article you may think I am just a mean person, this is not true. I have worked in the field of change work for several years and I get frustrated when I see people profiting from other people’s pain.

Every year we fall for the same old tricks. Just turn on the TV or read the newspaper and look at all the adverts offering you an amazing new life. People who are desperate will buy and do anything to achieve their goals yet they have little direction, plans or even an understanding to why they want to achieve them.

If you are serious about making changes in your life then I can offer just a few simple tips;

Make a direction instead of a destination.
Instead of wanting to be skinny, aim to live a more healthy lifestyle. Instead of wanting to seduce everyone, aim to improve your social skills and talk to one or two people a day. By making a destination people are often lost when they arrive there and do not know which direction to then take, often they go back to the start as this is what they already know. A common form of this is yo yo dieting, once the weight is lost you do not know what to do so you simply go back to how you were before and the weight starts to gain again.

Work with professionals.

If you want the best results then work with people who can really help you. Put the self help books down, stop going on the internet trying to find that little tip, secret or product that will transform everything. Personal trainers, hypnotherapists, dieticians, doctors, financial advisors etc are all available. Yes it may cost you money, but how much is achieve your goals actually worth to you? Working with professionals also makes you accountable to someone and they can save you so much time, pain and wasted effort.

Make plans.
When making a goal, remember to put plans into place and prepare. I specialise in helping people with social anxiety and weight loss and I am always amazed at how people never prepare. If you want to become more sociable then you need to actually plan things to do, start to fill up your calendar and stick to it. If you want to eat more healthily then you need to go and buy and prepare the food to take to work etc. Without proper planning we tend to fall back into old habits.

Calm down!
Everyone wants to change overnight. Unfortunately that is not going to happen, and if it does then it is build on very weak foundations. I have worked with people who have been for weight loss surgery and they are surprised that they are gaining the weight back almost straight away. The fact is that their mind and habits are that of an overweight person, they simply do not know how to act as a thin person.

Aim to make small changes that you can stick to and make part of your daily and weekly life. Sometimes you need to take larger steps, especially to get going, but then introduce small and manageable changes that are not going to revert. When you make massive changes they are hard to stick to, once you fail on one it tends to bring everything crashing down.

Change your strategy, not the amount of effort
Human behaviour is often a strange thing. One major part of our behaviour that keeps is stuck is our desire to be right. We hate to be wrong and we tend to stick to what we know, even though it does not deliver results. Instead of changing our strategy, we put more effort into what we are already doing in an attempt to be right.

People get stuck in their own patterns and this leads to frustration and depression. A classic example is people trying to lose weight. They read every new diet book and try them all, yes they might lose a few pounds but it always come back. Others will tell them that diets do not work, but they don’t listen. Instead they keep buying the books and the products hoping that one day they will find the right one and the weight will fall off.

This is another reason why working with professionals is priceless, they can look at what you are doing and make simple yet highly effective changes. It often takes someone with an objective viewpoint to see the mistakes you are making.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

If you want help with your goals this year, drop me an email at hypnomatt@puatraining.com


The Long Hard Road?

If you read online marketing about getting women, it’s all about “in just 2 minutes”, the “5 secret steps”, the “simple proven method”…after a while we don’t believe any of it. This stops a lot of guys learning pick up. There are three things that marketers often promise with everything from pheromones to the latest PUA product:

-It works
-It works for everyone (yes even you)
-It works fast and it’s easy.

Here’s the truth on these promises when it comes to good Pickup training:
-Yes it works
-It works to an extent for everyone
-It can be fast-ish and easy-ish but that isn’t always the case.

Let me break down the truth behind the marketing…

Pick Up definitely works, there is a mountain of undeniable evidence of guys that have transformed their lives. The big question is how quickly and easily it works. I’ll be able to give you an idea of that, first let me ask you a few questions:
-Have you slept with and had relationships with some women already?
-Are you comfortable in some social situations?
-Do you have natural qualities of either humour, cockiness, story-telling skills, interesting life experience, acting, dancing.
-Do you have female friends?
-Are you successful and confident in a particular area – eg work or sport?
-Are you in decent shape and do you dress pretty well?
-Are you good at picking up new skills quickly?
-Are you intelligent?

You can take the above and assign a few points for each “Yes” answer and then add them together to see how much you can likely achieve in a given period of time. Guys that have a few of the above going for them will be at an advantage. It’s not the same for everyone, these guys WILL be better than guys that say “no” to the above. A guy that is confident at work, has interesting stuff to talk about, has some natural conversational quality and has some experience with women could get this area totally handled in a few hours. A guy that has never kissed a girl, is unemployed, and has nothing interesting going on might take months to even get a number (assuming he doesn’t do some intense training like the Residential Course).

I was a guy who started game at 25. At that point i’d had a girlfriend and slept with one other girl, those were also the only girls i’d kissed. I had no female friends, and no real male friends. I was bad in all social or group situations, comfortable talking with my mum but not naturally funny or good at telling stories. I was good at learning things quickly and was intelligent. I was confident on the stock market but this didn’t translate to dealing with people in that realm since I did it all from home by myself with just the computer for company. My starting point was lower than 90% of the students I see.

And now the final point, the thing the marketers never mention – It can be very f@%king tough!

When you are gaming, you are putting your soul on the line. You are sticking your neck out. You are rolling the dice. It’s not like signing up to that distance learning course, this is something you have to do, more like tennis lessons. Except we don’t really care if we are good at tennis, we can live with always being shit at tennis, at being “the kind of person that will always SUCK at tennis”, we can’t live with always being shit with women, we’d rather be dead. We need that hope that we will someday be good. That hope is something that we can cling to.

When we start taking action we are giving away our hope and exchanging it for either:
-Success with women
-The memory of the attempt at being successful which failed.

In the second case, the hope has now gone, leaving us with nothing to live for. Depressing for sure, but this powerful force is what stops us taking the action that we think we should, we don’t want to give
our hope away and potentially exchange it for something far worse. It’s what held me back for so long. Understand this and you can take control. But let’s get on to what you can expect on any big journey…

There will be horrible times. You will be harshly rejected, and it will hurt. You will get a number and be so happy and then be dejected when she ignores your text. You will think a girl really likes you and then she will just stop answering your calls. You will get dumped, in some shit way like by email or facebook, and it’ll probably make you cry. If you learn this stuff over a few months you will have
to experience a whole 5-10 years of bad stuff in that condensed time.

Here’s the good news:

It’s no longer left to chance, each error can be corrected next time, you are playing a computer game with “infinite lives”. You WILL know what you did wrong. Each time you f&%k up and fail you’ll be further along, you’ll never go back to zero. You can at least approach, you can at least get numbers, you can at least get into relationships in the first place, you at least know you can get another date. The lows stop feeling so bad and the highs get better and better. Just like the average self-made millionnaire who went bankrupt 5 times, you need to learn and fail and suffer MORE than the average guy in order to be stronger and better than the average guy. It’ll make you into the man you want to be instead of a p£$$y, no one does this and gets to the end and stays a pu$%y. It’ll root out all of the shit things about yourself and force you to become a better man.

So here I am…I feel like I got to where I want to be. I don’t make massive mistakes, i’ve made them all already. I make small ones, and those are correctable. I can meet a beautiful girl, I can fall for
her and she’ll fall for me, i’ll want her and she’ll want me, we’ll be happy together. If it doesn’t work out, there are other girls out there, amazing girls aren’t amazingly common but i’ll find one and it
won’t take too long. I can’t be crushed for too long, I can’t be lonely for too long, and i’ll never feel helpless – I can help myself. I don’t want to be a robot with no emotions, but my game protects me
from feeling the real lows because I always know that i’m never going back to the situation I was in.

In sum, yeah it’s scary, yeah it will be tough, but it’s a road that you’ve got to take if you want to be happy.

Self Hypnosis – Accelerate your pick up skills PART 2

Hey Guys,

Responses to the Self-hypnosis audio have been brilliant – thanks to all of you who have emailed me or posted comments (if you want to listen you can do so here ). You can download the file here

A few of you have asked questions so I’ve decided to write some responses to answer a few of them……….


Noel asked “Does NLP / Hypnosis work with everyone?”

The thing to realise is that NLP and hypnosis use thought processes and patterns and are already part of peoples’ functioning and, in fact, most of them are modelled from people who are doing thing or being a particular way. Let me give you an example:

People sometimes say to me they don’t know if their visualisations are powerful enough and I ask “Have you ever experienced anxiety?”. The thing is, to experience anxiety a person has to imagine something happening in the future and usually make a picture of some event or situation that they wouldn’t want. So, firstly, this means they have the ability not only to make pictures internally, but also to construct pictures of things that haven’t even happened yet. And, they are able to make the pictures so vivid and lifelike that they feel real feelings (anxiety) as a result of them. So, this means a person has the ability to create pictures that are so real they feel actual feelings now. That’s quite a skill. And, of course, if they can make pictures that make them feel one way they can make them feel another way.

Regarding hypnosis, then people enter trance states all the time. A simple way to consider trance is that it is a state characterised by a narrow focus of attention, everyday examples are driving trances, have you ever been driving and absorbed in your own thougts or ‘in your own world’ and nearly missed an exit or junction? The TV trance is another, someone may not even hear their name being called because their attention is focused solely on the TV, they may even have their hand dangling in mid air holding the remote. When someone is experiencing approach anxiety, they may go into trance and literally go ‘blank’ so it seems like there’s nothing there.

So, the question isn’t really whether people can experience trance, it’s more whether the trances they are experiencing are serving them well, and, if not then hypnosis is one way to change this.

Linking to the question from Alif Aka Myth. You say you can’t seem to get the audio to work for you, my question is, How do you know it’s not working? But, more importantly, how would you know if it was?

A question to ask yourself is “Do you really want to understand how to be a great pua or do you want to BE a great pua?”

The aim of the audio is NOT that you consciously know what you’ve modelled from someone else. You can do that by observing them and analysing what they do. The aim of this is to learn unconsciously (which means you don’t know what is it you are learning, you just discover that you have) – which is how you learned as a child, you never consciously set out one day to learn to walk and analysed your progress as you went along. In fact, if you had it would probably have been the very thing that would have stopped you learning it.

I’m not suggesting that analysis and logical understanding aren’t helpful, only that this audio is about helping you find an alternative way of learning. We have been conditioned by our society that we must understand things before we can do them which is sometimes a very unhelpful way to work. Do you really want to understand how to be a great pua or do you want to be a great pua? If you actually want to understand it (which I would suggest only really has a benefit if you’re a trainer and want to teach others) then analysis will be useful, but if you just want to model someone  and be how they are then this will help you massively. Here’s one of the emails I received….

Hey Ben,

This week has been pretty interesting, friday night i applied non verbal opening / forcing a IOI – followed with a direct approach straight into a kiss – the rest was easy. Saturday was more of the same – kissed a girl i was out with some mates – after lots of strong eye contact, i walked up – took hold of her belt and gently pulled her into me – kiss kiss…. the come to bed eyes are improving haha – i wasn’t sure why this side of things is suddenly clicking – then i remembered doing your audio hypnosis! and using Gambler / Maverick as a model!

many thanks :)  Dan

Now, I’m sure there will be some cynical people out there who say, well, maybe these things would have happened anyway. And, maybe Dan would have done them without using hypnotic modelling. Only you will really know what effects it has after you’ve listened to it and, it may be that it’s only some time afterwards when you find yourself being different that you make a connection with that experience. Feel free to let me know your feedback.

How To Easily Get Her Number Fast

This is it.

It’s where the rubber meets the road. It’s where the boys get seperated from the men.

Going for the number… Here’s how you do it.

Now listen, I’ve been in the game long enough to see where most guys go wrong. Nine times out of ten, guys talk nervously for ten minutes and then stutter out a request for the girl’s number. It doesn’t work and they get blown out. It is possible to make a connection by small-talking someone, but it takes ages.

There are better ways to do it. Try this. The next time you are talking to a hot girl, keep in mind that you should be directing the conversation towards the goal of getting her number at all times. Those kinds of conversations are based around connections and common interests.

Here are a few questions that I might ask if I was trying to make a connection. Try them out.

  • What does she do when she isn’t working?
  • How does she spend her time?
  • What food does she like?
  • What places does she like to go to in the evening?
  • Is she a party girl?
  • Does she like the arts?
  • What is something she would like to do but hasn’t yet (e.g. salsa class)?

You might think that these questions would lead into the small-talk I told you to avoid. They don’t have to. They are common interest questions that lead to possible connections. Here’s how I would take a question like that and cash it into a number close.

Me: What places do you like to go in the evening?

Her: I like club/bar X.

Me: Cool, its good there, have you ever been to club Y?

Her: Yeah/No

Me: Well, me and some friends are going there on X day, you should

Her: Yeah/okay

You: Excellent, give me your number.

Or try this one:

Me: What do you like to do when you aren’t working?

Her: I like to go to the theatre/exhibitions/museums/ballet.

Me: Have you been to that new show/exhibition/whatever?

Her: No

Me: Me neither, we should go

Her: Okay, sure.

Me: Great, give me your number.

Do you see what both have in common? Neither conversation features me directly asking for her phone number. By having her agree to do something with me, it’s absolutely natural that she should want to give me her number. In fact, it wouldn’t be unusual for the girl to offer me her number without me asking. It just seems like the thing for her to do. Smooth, right?

Now, I’m not saying it will always be easy to find a connection – you might be too busy to do it, or, for whatever reason, the conversation isn’t flowing like the ones above. In those cases, pull out your trusty all-purpose number close. This one:

Me: You’re cool/It’s interesting talking to you, we should hang out.

Her: Yeah.

Me: What are you doing on Thursday?

Her: Blah. Here’s my number…

Getting the meeting

Even after getting a number, it can be difficult to convert that into a date or another meeting. Here’s what to do!

As she is giving you her number, take her phone and enter yours into the memory. That way, she’ll know it is you when you call. Make sure you’ve arranged something you can do together as described above. And, most importantly, arrange a date there and then. If you’ve already arranged a date, she will be thinking about it. When you call her she will be expecting it. She’ll take the call rather than screening it with voicemail and then binning your message.

There we have it – the do’s and don’ts of getting phone numbers.

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